Cross post: solutions to family schedule dilemma? (m)

[Valerie(TX)]

http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/images/icons/icon1.gif Seeking solutions--what to do when the family schedules don't mesh?
For too many years, I've been getting, at most, 6 hours of sleep each night, and I just don't do well. Long term sleep deprivation is taking a toll on my memory and probably other systems as well.

Here's the rub, dh has to get up at 4:15 a.m. to be at work on time, and I really like to be up with him to make a decent breakfast and pack his food for the day; he eats a special diet for health reasons, and I like that quiet time alone with him.

On the other end of the day, I don't like going to bed hours earlier than my kids, but it is out of the question to send teens to bed at 8 pm...they usually pack it in between 10 and 11, depending on the kid. I have often stayed up at least til 10, and I hate feeling guilty for 1) either not going to bed with dh, because he likes the company and he'd like me to take care of myself, or 2) feeling guilty because I am missing out on the most productive, heart-bonding time of the day. My kids are more quietly, reflectively talkative at night than at any other time. They totally fit the stereotype! In the early morning before school time, they are barely able to prop open their eyelids, so--nah--no heart-to-heart then. I really resent having to go to bed, because I'll never have these years back, and very, very soon, my teens will be gone. Deep sigh!

I am just too close to this. Can someone help me look past the emotion of this :eek: and figure out some solution? What works in your family?

Thanks, I'm feeling kinda desperate.

Val

[Faithr]

I have this problem too because I am naturally a morning person but my dh and kids are all night owls. I resent having to stay up at night with them but at the same time, there's only one of me and lots of them! LOL!

Two thoughts - can you go back to bed after seeing your DH off. Don't drink coffee then, maybe just a nice herbal cup of tea or something. Then go back to bed for a catnap? Or maybe you could grab a nap in the afternoon?

As for the teens, I would schedule certain nights that you'll have a late night 'date'. Maybe you can bond over a tv sitcom or something and get a nice chat in there. And let them know that if there's anything on their minds you are there to talk to them but you just need more sleep! So I would try to plan what nights you'll do your teen bonding and what nights you'll do your dh bonding! Sometimes folks just have to take turns, LOL, if they want your company. You simply can't constantly be burning the candle at both ends. When I do that I'm too cranky for anyone to want to spend time with me!

[FloridaLisa]

Well, you can't serve everyone *all* the time, though it looks as though you are doing a pretty good job of it!

It looks like your pull occurs most in the evening -- when dh may want you in bed with him, but you feel the pull to reap the best of your teens' hours. Perhaps a compromise for this stage of life (nothing is forever): your dh gets you in the morning, your kids get you on most nights, save perhaps a Friday and/or Saturday when dh gets you to go to bed at his hour. And for your well-being, I'd suggest a daily nap. :) I can put in many a long night after my littles go to bed, after a good afternoon nap. Would that help solve the sleep-deprivation?

My dh goes to bed before me. Every now and again, I'll go lay down and we'll just talk before he drifts off. Then I'll pop back up (since I'm refreshed from that afternoon nap) and finish all I need to do before I get to bed.

HTH. How sweet you are to want to meet your family's needs. They are blessed to have you!
Lisa

[Nan in Mass]

I think you will probably have to choose either special time with your husband in the morning or time with him at night. I don't think you can have both of them and still have special time with your children. There just isn't enough time in the day. And your children aren't able to do the special time in the morning, so that might leave you doing special time with your husband in the morning and special time with your children (not a forever thing) at night. The solution to the sleep problem is to take a substancial nap in the middle of the day. I worked with whole families who worked 3rd shift and split their sleep into two halves - they'd take a 4 or 5 hour nap when they got off work at around 7, wake up and be with their children and go play in the sun and shop and things, then take another 3 hour nap after an supper. It takes a little getting used to, but it works fine once you adjust. The idea that you need the 8 hours all consecutively is something that doesn't exist in many other cultures. Burning your candle at both ends will work fine if you take a nice long nap mid-day. By now you are probably tired enough that the adjustment to sleeping mid-day would be easy GRIN.

My other idea is to get up and go to bed with your husband, and wake one child early every morning for a special breakfast one-on-one. I have teenagers, though, and I'm not at all sure this would work. They aren't very talkative until about 10, even the one who gets up at 5 to go to work. Or you can do child time M-R and go to bed with your husband F-S. That way, you only have to wait a few days, not years, for that sort of together time. I think the trick would be to pick a fair routine and stick to it so you don't feel torn.

I hate having to choose between my husband and my children, but it seems to be a fact of life that you have to delay some of your together time until they are gone.

HTH
-Nan

[Chris in VA]

I'm a best of both worlds kinda gal. Probably I'd go to bed early 3 nights a week, and go back to bed after dh left. I'd want to schedule it, but I wouldn't last with sticking to a schedule! lol

[Valerie(TX)]

Chris, Nan, Lisa and Faith -- I'm going to ponder your suggestions. Your thoughts were very helpful!

V