Women who stand beside their scandal-ridden husbands . . .

[BamaTanya]

It's on the news again today. The politician caught. The news conference. The stoic wife by his side.

I just don't know if I could do it.

I cannot imagine the humiliation experienced by these wives. In front of everyone.

I would be so devastated, I don't think I could see anyone for a while. If I *tried* to stand beside someone, I'd probably be crying the whole time. My makeup would be a mess.

Maybe these women are made of something tougher than I. After all, their lives have been under public scrutiny in good times, as well.

I am awed that they can do it. God bless them.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

I'm not sure why you say SHE'S humiliated.?????? He's the jerk. She has every right to disassociate herself from him. IMHO, That would be showing strength.

I would be embarrassed to be standing next to this guy. I'd be in my lawyer's office filing for divorce and letting him handle his press problem on his own.

Reminds me too much of the NJ governor. Yikes.

k

[Friederike in Persia]

Not getting a divorce is one thing, but heading for a press conference?:confused:

Friederike

[Virginia Dawn]

It's on the news again today. The politician caught. The news conference. The stoic wife by his side.

I just don't know if I could do it.

I cannot imagine the humiliation experienced by these wives. In front of everyone.

I would be so devastated, I don't think I could see anyone for a while. If I *tried* to stand beside someone, I'd probably be crying the whole time. My makeup would be a mess.

Maybe these women are made of something tougher than I. After all, their lives have been under public scrutiny in good times, as well.

I am awed that they can do it. God bless them.

I imagine that a great deal of the time there are advantages or incentives to remaining.

[AmyinPA]

for their children and their family. At least that's the only thing that would motivate me to act so dutifully.

I just don't get what's wrong with these men. Here's a guy who's been offered every opportunity in the world - money, education, a gorgeous wife, beautiful kids - and yet he chooses to throw it all away. I just don't get it. What goes on inside a man's head?

[angela in ohio]

I would actually understand them more for them if they cried (I would be up there, but I would be bawling quietly... or not quietly.) It does take a certain kind of woman to go into that sort of public position, though, so I think they really might be a little different.

[WendyK]

Talk about cruel. And I can't believe that about the governor. (I live in NY, although not for a very long time.) I am so sick of these disgusting politicians. I lived in CT and we had a jerky one there too. They are following me..or I am following them..or they really are just EVERYWHERE! :(

I couldn't do what that woman did. And you could see the pain on her face. It must have been the most awful moment of her life. I would have been fine with watching her knock his block off right then and there.

[Danestress]

I would like to think I would stand by him calmly that first day - the hardest day. He still has children and friends and a mother who will possibly watch tv that day, and I would want to show some strength and loyalty.

I'd have the rest of my life to figure out what it meant to my marriage and whether I even have a marriage left.

[angela in ohio]

I imagine that a great deal of the time there are advantages or incentives to remaining.

Like becoming President someday? :D

[kalanamak]

It's on the news again today. The politician caught. The news conference. The stoic wife by his side.

I just don't know if I could do it.

I cannot imagine the humiliation experienced by these wives. In front of everyone.


She is a Harvard Law School grad. I suspect she is dripping with confidence. Another politician's wife was interviewed and she aksed people not to judge, that her motives for being the SBYM wife were for the children, for not blowing up what future there may be, for maintaining dignity about something that is, after all, smaller than the crisis in Darfur, 9/11, etc.

That said, I always, always, always knew there was something wrong with Elliot Spitzer. I was just sure he was trying to gun for the Presidency and was a little glad his tactics as AG weren't working so well in his new role, as I was just sure there was something wrong, wrong, wrong. Blind Ambition comes to mind.

I personally could care less if a politician has an affair. But this in a world of HIV, etc. is outside of the pale.

But come of the woman's comments....that she didn't find him "difficult" as the others had, are high on the UGH reaction, for sure.

[cricket1178]

I would like to think I would stand by him calmly that first day - the hardest day. He still has children and friends and a mother who will possibly watch tv that day, and I would want to show some strength and loyalty.

I'd have the rest of my life to figure out what it meant to my marriage and whether I even have a marriage left.

Beautifully put. I would hope I would be that dignified as well, but probably not.

[PariSarah]

One, that these women (and their children) are well-practiced in acting for the cameras. They have to know how to control themselves when someone is watching, because someone is always watching.

Two, that it is rare that the first time we find out about a politician's infidelities is the first time his/her spouse finds out about them. It's probably easier to put on one's game face in public about an issue one has known about for a long time.

[PariSarah]

Although I'm not sure that "first day" really is the hardest.

It hasn't been for our friends that are going through this (without the limelight, of course). It took about four months for the really hard part to hit.

[Antonia]

I imagine that a great deal of the time there are advantages or incentives to remaining.

This is one of my problems with Hillary Clinton. I can't help but think that her own political ambitions were more important to her than her own integrity. Personally, I would've walked out of the White House and kept walking. So I'm left to wonder, does she have the integrity I would like to see in our President? (Not that I think that there's a lot of that in the majority of them.)

[lynn]

There are many woman that stay with men that are jerks and treat them like trash. I never understood this. This scandel just doesn't suprise me.

[abbeyej]

I can totally see doing it. I'd be in shock. I'd have no idea what to do. The thing yesterday... That poor woman had no idea how to react. If it were me, I'd be screaming and throwing things in my *head*, but I'd be so overwhelmed, I wouldn't be able to act or say much outside my own head.

The governor from New Jersey who was outed a while back for having a gay affair and his wife stood by him at first -- McGreevey... She was on CNN last night. They've since divorced. And she said basically the same thing... She was in shock, she didn't have time to process, her husband and his "team" were making (essentially politically motivated) decisions behind closed doors.
(ETA: Here's a link that mentions some of what she has since said about the experience: http://www.citynews.ca/news/news_20472.aspx )

She stood by -- but it wasn't long term. Eventually they *did* divorce, and it sounded like there was a totally expected mix of heartbreak, shock, confusion, a little bitterness, etc, that you would expect.

These men are still their husbands. It's not like some stranger who has betrayed them -- that would be so much easier. They generally have children together... It's not *just* about politics and careers and money.

If they knew all along, they've probably had time to accept the trade-off in their marriages. If it's a horrible, horrible shock, they probably have no idea *how* to react. And screaming, crying and throwing things aren't necessarily the first reaction -- especially if some part of you inside is screaming, "No! This can't be true! We have to be able to fix this!"...

Anyway. I can't imagine. But if I could imagine... I guess I can see standing there. Till I could figure out what on earth to say or do next...

[Scarlett]

On GMA there was a spot about 'what is WRONG with these men'. It basically said that powerful men believe they are invincible and thus the stupid things they do that risks a lifetime of family and career. Bill Clinton said it well about his own behavior--that he did it because he could. He also said it was a morally reprehensible reason for his actions.

I've known a couple of these men IRL. Their wives also stuck by them---without the cameras, but of course, it is really all the same. Walking in to Sunday Service next to the man everyone in town knows is a cheat is not much different than a woman accustomed to the public eye standing next to her cheating husband at a press conference.

My favorite is the look on the face of that NJ governor's wife during the press conference where he admits he is gay. The look on her face is not so much stoic and stand by my man, but 'are you KIDDING me.'

[Daisy]

One word...

Politics

[Tammy]

I think it is all about MONEY and POWER....those two things together changes people....for the worse...of course!

[abbeyej]

I think it is all about MONEY and POWER....those two things together changes people....for the worse...of course!

I just don't understand that perspective. If the wife of a non-famous husband chose to stay with him, to try to work through things, after he was caught engaging in some despicable behavior... Well, we wouldn't be shocked or think she was greedy and money-grubbing. We might say, "well, I would never do that" or "I can't imagine how she could do that", but we probably wouldn't find it totally inconceivable.

*Maybe* she actually loves her husband in spite of his flaws. *Maybe* she's in shock, she's heartbroken, and she doesn't know what she's going to do. *Maybe* she wants to try to rip his beating heart out of his body, but she doesn't want to come across as hysterical and violent on national television.

Give the poor woman a break.

[Danestress]

I think it is all about MONEY and POWER....those two things together changes people....for the worse...of course!

I don't understand this thinking. You are pretty sure that most women of social standing don't really love their husbands and only want money and power? Or that if a woman decides to stand behind him at least while he deals with the media storm, it's never because of loyalty or love for her husband or children, but only because of money and power? So a more noble woman would abandon him?

I guess I can assume that sometimes money and power are factors, but I could never guess which women are influenced by that and which are there for more noble reasons. I just couldn't accuse a woman of that without knowing her, and would prefer to give her the benefit of the doubt during such a difficult time.

[Jane in NC]

If the wife of a non-famous husband chose to stay with him, to try to work through things, after he was caught engaging in some despicable behavior... Well, we wouldn't be shocked or think she was greedy and money-grubbing. We might say, "well, I would never do that" or "I can't imagine how she could do that", but we probably wouldn't find it totally inconceivable.

...

Give the poor woman a break.

Agreeing here.

When one of my friends learned that her husband was having an affair (granted, he's not a politician) she was not in a position to throw him out or walk out immediately. They both owned a home based business together. They had a child together. And she loved him despite this.

She is currently going through a very painful divorce. Yeah, he was and is a jerk. But the guy she fell in love with 20 years ago did not disappear altogether.

These are sad situations.

[Tammy]

My comment had nothing to do with the wives.....just the men...sorry.

[Tammy]

Here is Amy's quote I was commenting on....sorry everyone.....

"I just don't get what's wrong with these men. Here's a guy who's been offered every opportunity in the world - money, education, a gorgeous wife, beautiful kids - and yet he chooses to throw it all away. I just don't get it. What goes on inside a man's head?"

[Daisy]

Okay, guilty as charged. I think I do have a tendency to project my dislike for politicians, right onto their spouses as well. (Hanging head in shame).

[Dayle in Guatemala]

there's a big difference to your dh having an affair and him frequenting a prostitution ring when he's made a reputation for publicly fighting against these things.

If my dh were to fall into an affair, it would be difficult for me, but, I think after time, maybe maybe maybe, we could move past that and come out the other side okay. I don't know and I hope I never have to find out.

But, if my dh were spending huge sums of money visiting prostitutes that's another story altogether.

We can't judge what is happening in the mind and heart of a woman who is standing up publicly with her dh. I don't pretend to understand the agony and anger they must feel when they have to now decide what will be happening in their marriage and family and do it so publicly with all the scrutiny of people who are just out looking for a salacious story as well as those who are reporting what is happening in a public figure's situation. It makes me really sad for her.

In my opinion, those families need prayer. There's nothing else that will help them right now.

[Kris]

I imagine that a great deal of the time there are advantages or incentives to remaining.

A la Hillary?

[melissel]

for their children and their family. At least that's the only thing that would motivate me to act so dutifully.

I just don't get what's wrong with these men. Here's a guy who's been offered every opportunity in the world - money, education, a gorgeous wife, beautiful kids - and yet he chooses to throw it all away. I just don't get it. What goes on inside a man's head?

DH and I were discussing this last night (we live in NJ, and are former NYers :rolleyes:). I swear I don't get it either. And the tryst in question was the night before VALENTINE'S DAY! DH says he must have been ticked at his wife about something to do it like that. I think he's just another jerk.

I'd be at my lawyer's office in a heartbeat too.

[Danestress]

This is one of my problems with Hillary Clinton. I can't help but think that her own political ambitions were more important to her than her own integrity. Personally, I would've walked out of the White House and kept walking. So I'm left to wonder, does she have the integrity I would like to see in our President? (Not that I think that there's a lot of that in the majority of them.)

I didn't really think she lost integrity with that choice. Nor do I think she would have lost integrity by leaving - to me it wasn't her integrity that was in question but his. It must have been a tough choice for her and I can't begin to guess why she made it, and I have great respect for her for choosing not to talk about it. I do think she loves him, but I wonder if that wouldn't kill my love.

I think sometimes peole fail to realize how traumatic and difficult divorce is. It's horrible. It eats up a huge amount of time and money, splits families, severs (not always, but often) relationships with in-laws. When God makes a woman and man one, it's very painful to split that apart. I think many of you would be surprised how many people stay married after marital infidelity because divorce just hurts and they don't want to do it.

And if you have a friend whose husband cheats on her with a lovely young co-worker, one thing you might hear from your friend (I've heard it) is "I really just wish he would have seen a prostitute or something. It's so hard that he choose someone young and beautiful and smart and who has the kind of job that I gave up so I could raise his kids." So while I do think that the public prostitute element of this case makes it really nasty and icky and just so unpleasant, for the wife, maybe it would be worse if the lover were her best friend, his secretary, or the nanny.

[WendyK]

there's a big difference to your dh having an affair and him frequenting a prostitution ring when he's made a reputation for publicly fighting against these things.

If my dh were to fall into an affair, it would be difficult for me, but, I think after time, maybe maybe maybe, we could move past that and come out the other side okay. I don't know and I hope I never have to find out.

But, if my dh were spending huge sums of money visiting prostitutes that's another story altogether.



Exactly! This is what gets me about these politicians. They know every time they pass gas someone is going to find out. They don't just have indiscretions or moments of passion (not suggesting this is good either). They go out of their way. This governor had time along the many steps of the way to "think" about what he was doing. Apparently he must have been pretty stupid or thought he was invincible. They do stuff that most average ppl wouldn't even do. We all make mistakes, but to me this isn't like "I didn't think at that moment, whoops". No no..this was way beyond that.

[GothicGyrl]

Gotta love the sneaky bashing of Hilary here. What she went through and what this lady went through are two entirely different things.

Clinton had oral sex with an intern--he cheated, basically. Once it was discovered it was over with. A woman can and does forgive and forget and moves on from this.

This guy hung out with and had sex with, the very people he was condemning. He endorsed them to their face because it benefitted him, and lived a lie behind their backs--because it benefitted him.

I don't believe that either woman---Hilary or this one-- have motivations beyond "shutz, what can I do?" and both are stunned and shocked. I'm also pretty sure Clinton got his arse kicked by his wife, once the doors were shut ;). This guy is just pond scum.

Were it me--I could forgive my Bill, but not my Elliot because with my Bill, at least I know it was something stupid and not politically motivated. He just let a bit "go to his head" (maybe Hilary wasn't giving it up enough? :) )

For my Elliot, though, it means he not only lied to me and his family, but to himself and to everyone else who supported him. I would be walking out that door so fast and I would be holding my own press conference telling the world that "I am not him, please do not hold me responsbile for this man's reprehensible actions. Our children are innocent and that's why I am leaving"..

Clinton was just stupid. This guy knew exactly what he was doing. Hilary stayed because she knew Bill was stupid. This woman needs to leave him now or be sucked into this vortex of "bad press" for the rest of her and her children's lives. No one goes to Clinton's daughter and says "your daddy did this".. but people WILL be going to Spitzer's children.. and those children will forever hate daddy for it.

[Kris]

Gotta love the sneaky bashing of Hilary here. What she went through and what this lady went through are two entirely different things.

This lady isn't running for president, is she?

Nothing sneaky about it. It's a perfectly valid statement considering it was a well-known fact that Hillary was eyeing the White House while they were still in Arkansas.

[WendyK]

Yeah, but lets face it, nobody is going to vote for a single divorced woman. It is huge enough for a woman to be running and backed by a major party never mind a divorced/unmarried person.

[GothicGyrl]

This lady isn't running for president, is she?

Nothing sneaky about it. It's a perfectly valid statement considering it was a well-known fact that Hillary was eyeing the White House while they were still in Arkansas.
And? It still makes the Hilary comments invalid. Her running for president NOW has nothing to do with what happened when her husband was president--especially considering she had nothing to do with what her husband did.

If she had divorced him, she would have (or could have) still ended up Senator and then Presidential candidate. You, nor I know whether or not things would have changed if she didn't stay by his side and it makes for a feable argument when trying to claim such and it certainly does make it look like bashing when it is done.

If I had come back and said "Typical conservative republicans" to any number of things they have done, I would have been chewed out right and left for making a "bashing, general statement that is not true of all republicans".

But I come in and call you on the carpet for making a "bashing, general statement(that you can't prove)" and am told "oh things are different, she's running for President so it isn't bashing".

Please.

Listen, I despise ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL Politicians--democrat, republican, or whatever. I do not like them at all. So my comments have less to do with "us vs them" than they do with "common sense vs reactionary commenting".

That Hilary was "eyeing" the White House while they were still in Arkansas means absolutely NOTHING to this beyond she was looking to the future--who wouldn't be? You'd be stupid not to.

So don't hold against her the actions of her dippy husband and likewise, don't hold against Spitzer's wife, the actions of her idiot husband.

[PariSarah]

We have dear friends who were caught in this situation. High-stress, high-visibility job, multiple family pressures, etc.

He goes out and has an affair with someone with whom he ought not to have. (Not that there was someone that he should have done it with. I mean, from a professional ethics point of view. With someone else, it might just have been a personal issue; with this person, it was a professional issue as well.)

So he lost his high-stress, high-visibility job, plunging his family into chaos and distress. But part of me wonders if part of him didn't want it that way. Maybe a teeny part of him hated the situation enough that he wanted--all subconsciously, of course--to mess things up good and proper.

Maybe that's not the case here. Maybe the politician in question just had alpha-male syndrome really, really bad. But sometimes I wonder.

[GothicGyrl]

We have dear friends who were caught in this situation. High-stress, high-visibility job, multiple family pressures, etc.

He goes out and has an affair with someone with whom he ought not to have. (Not that there was someone that he should have done it with. I mean, from a professional ethics point of view. With someone else, it might just have been a personal issue; with this person, it was a professional issue as well.)

So he lost his high-stress, high-visibility job, plunging his family into chaos and distress. But part of me wonders if part of him didn't want it that way. Maybe a teeny part of him hated the situation enough that he wanted--all subconsciously, of course--to mess things up good and proper.

Maybe that's not the case here. Maybe the politician in question just had alpha-male syndrome really, really bad. But sometimes I wonder.
I know how I am reading this and I am smiling at it. Because I agree with it. :)

[OnTheBrink]

Why do these men do it? Pure and simple narcissism. They're told all they're lives they're wonderful, they can do anything they want because they're so brilliant, etc, and they believe it. So, they do anything they want and believe they're above it all, that they're so brilliant no one will find out and if they do, who cares, because they're so brilliant it can all be overlooked.

That's my take on it. And, I'll admit my take is most assuredly tainted by my former marriage. I do see a lot of similarities in the attitudes of the politicians with the attitudes of my EX.

And, to address the Clinton thing, I figured back when Billy was involved with the interns (and I'd bet my last dollar Monica wasn't the only one), that Billary stayed with him because she wanted to run some day. Appears that I was right, simply going on current events. I can't say, however, I know her true motivations for staying with him, since I obviously don't know her personally.

[cin]

I'm surprised at the way we are so strongly condemning this man here. Don't get me wrong, what he did was wrong, but men in the public eye are tempted daily, if not hourly, sexually. And it is one of their weakest links. Maybe she is standing by him because she knows that she was part of the problem? She didn't fullfill his needs, therefore he went elsewhere. (It still isn't right, I know!) And what is wrong with her standing by her man. For better or worse? This is definitely one of those worse moments. But that was the vow, and she took it.

Him trying to clean up the prostitution rings in New York, but partaking of it himself is sort of like the dad who has the playboy magazines hidden away. I know it's not good for my kids, but I just can't resist...

So she was a big powered lawyer, maybe she didn't give him the respect he felt he deserved, so he got some adoration & admiration elsewhere. (Again, it was wrong, but men are men).

Just some jumbled thoughts....

[Amy loves Bud]

[QUOTE=GothicGyrl;96823]

Clinton was just stupid. This guy knew exactly what he was doing. Hilary stayed because she knew Bill was stupid. QUOTE]

Sorry, GG, while I agree with what you are saying about Spitzer, I'll disagree with this statement. You can call Bill Clinton a lot of things - good and bad - but stupid is NOT one of them. And I'm guessing Hilary never thought he was stupid either.

[GothicGyrl]

OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH I got a dreaded "gray box" for speaking up in my last post.. hahaha.. how funny.

And while I do see your points about "Billary" (I LOVE THAT) sticking by him for future purposes, I don't think it was all about that though.. but again, we really don't know her motivations.

And sorry to disagree Cin, but what you are saying is very much like saying "You can't leave him, he only hit you once. He was angry(drunk, burned out, tired), he really didn't mean it".

which is a faulty argument. I don't care WHO you are and I certainly don't care how "drunk, tired, burned-out" or even "tempeted" you are--if your job is protect your wife (not hit her) or Stand up for the Public --you have no business doing what you did. You cannot lay blame anywhere else but where it belongs--ON HIM and I refuse to buy this "he's a public official, he's tempted everyday" (and how do you come to the conclusion that them being public officials equates them being tempted sexually?)

Maybe she is standing by him because she knows that she was part of the problem? She didn't fullfill his needs, therefore he went elsewhere. (It still isn't right, I know!)

If you know it isn't right, why'd you say it? I HATE this strawman argument--"maybe she deserved to be raped, I mean just look how she dresses"--- BULLHOCKEY and you know it. He should have kept it in his pants regardless of how things were going on at home. This is his fault and squarely and ONLY his fault.

If perfectly Godly men can take vows of abstinence and NOT fail at this, then he (godly or not) certainly can keep it in his pants.

[GothicGyrl]

Sorry, GG, while I agree with what you are saying about Spitzer, I'll disagree with this statement. You can call Bill Clinton a lot of things - good and bad - but stupid is NOT one of them. And I'm guessing Hilary never thought he was stupid either.

Amy hun--I'm not calling Clinton stupid, I'm calling his choice of actions stupid ;) I'm trying to keep the "us vs them" out of this argument and focus on only the issues at hand..

eg: Clinton was just stupid for making that decision. He got caught and paid for it.
.....Spitzer was just stupid for making that decision. He got caught and now he's begging and pleading for forgivness, when he did something most vile and totally against what he's been lobbying for in the first place. His trust was broken for many people, not just his wife.

get it now? ;)

[PariSarah]

OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH I got a dreaded "gray box" for speaking up in my last post.. hahaha.. how funny.

Toni, dear, just for future reference: the gray box is when the person repping you doesn't have enough posts to qualify as a repper. It's a newbie, so his/her rep doesn't register, and you have no idea (unless s/he left a message saying "Get a lif, you looser") whether it was a positive or negative rep being left.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I'm surprised at the way we are so strongly condemning this man here. Don't get me wrong, what he did was wrong, but men in the public eye are tempted daily, if not hourly, sexually. And it is one of their weakest links. Maybe she is standing by him because she knows that she was part of the problem? She didn't fullfill his needs, therefore he went elsewhere. (It still isn't right, I know!) And what is wrong with her standing by her man. For better or worse? This is definitely one of those worse moments. But that was the vow, and she took it.


I think people tend to condemn him because it took some deliberate planning on his part in order to follow through with the affair. It wasn't like he just lost control one day and it happened, he PLANNED it meticulously over and over again and had the intention of continuing with this particular prostitution ring.

We do take vows, for better or for worse. This is a worse moment for sure. But, we do not agree to be violated, treated as less than his equal, our emotions absolutely trampled on, and our family torn to shreds. These are things that happen when one person is thoughtless and selfish and goes outside of marriage to find physical fulfillment. No matter how cold she may have been in his mind, it doesn't ever excuse what he did and the manner in which he did it. He took vows, too. He treated them wrecklessly.

[Frontier Mom]

I just couldn't help feeling her love for him left a long time before his escapade came out to the public. It reminded me of a child that is raised without affection or love, they just seem to look into nothingness, not letting anything penetrate their heart anymore.

I felt really sorry for her and am praying for her as well as her family. I just saw pain.

[Amy loves Bud]

I cannot imagine walking in her shoes. That said, I have no idea how I would respond, but standing by his side in front of a camera seems really awful. I respect her ability to hold it together, that's for sure.

I think his career is over, so I don't really see any political benefit for her in standing by him. Bill Clinton didn't build his career on the idea of getting ridding politics of unethical behavior, but this guy did. I don't imagine he'll recover from this the way Clinton did for that reason.

[Amy loves Bud]

I guess I got confused when you said "Clinton was just stupid."

Anyway, I'll still disagree on the "stupid" in any context. He's just not. He made a bad decision and I don't think it was out of stupidity (even momentary stupidity).

[GothicGyrl]

Toni, dear, just for future reference: the gray box is when the person repping you doesn't have enough posts to qualify as a repper. It's a newbie, so his/her rep doesn't register, and you have no idea (unless s/he left a message saying "Get a lif, you looser") whether it was a positive or negative rep being left.
Pari--I know this ;) I'm the one who figured it out. ;) Just sayin' is all cuz I find it funny. (and you really got one spelled like that, on here? HAHA.. that's funny, or pathetic.. for them..)

We do take vows, for better or for worse. This is a worse moment for sure. But, we do not agree to be violated, treated as less than his equal, our emotions absolutely trampled on, and our family torn to shreds. These are things that happen when one person is thoughtless and selfish and goes outside of marriage to find physical fulfillment. No matter how cold she may have been in his mind, it doesn't ever excuse what he did and the manner in which he did it. He took vows, too. He treated them wrecklessly.

B-I-N-G-O!!!!!!! Which is why what he did was worse than Clinton.

And Amy--I voted for the guy, ok? Do I think he's stupid as in "stoooooooopid"--no. But then again, please remember I do think ALL politicians are "stupid" and "dumb" and "moronic" and "bad". ;) And I think BOTH made these decisions out of "stupidity", the difference is now in the reaction to being caught, the "why" they did it no longer is a factor.

[Michelle T]

has remained in a marriage even though DH cheated? I find that hard to believe.

I'm going on record to state that my DH cheated, and I'm still married to him. I would never in a million years speculate on why any other woman remains in her marriage after the spouse cheats, but I'm sure at least one or two of my reasons would apply to anyone else, famous or not.

Reasons:
We had a young child, I did not want to become a single mother
There was no way I could afford to keep our house on my own
I was too frightened of being alone
I still loved DH
I had already invested many years into our marriage
He promised to never do it again
I did not want to enter the dating world again
I felt it was in DS's best interests to have married parents
I was embarrassed
I was absolutely terrified
I was in complete shock for a long time
I was so filled with anger, I couldn't think straight
I would have to have gotten a new job that paid better
I would have lost many of our friends

I could probably think of more, but those come to mind.

And by the way, although no cameras were on me, I did get up and go to work the next day after DH's "revelation", and calmly carry on with my job. What else was I supposed to do? You'd better believe I cried in my private time, but I had to hold it together in front of my son.

What should these women do? Throw away the last bit of dignity they have remaining, to scream, cry and throw a fit in front of that publicity? Would that help their children through this ordeal? It takes time to figure out what to do and divorce, maybe they just haven't gotten there yet.

Sheesh.
Michelle T

[ThelmaLou]

I'm not a democrat, so my comments have nothing to do with party loyalty.

What this man has done is despicable. There's no way around that. As a woman, I don't identify with this kind of temptation. Is he a hypocrite for coming across as a straight-laced guy, all the while frequenting a prostitution ring? Absolutely. Am I a hypocrite? Absolutely. I'm often guilty of saying one thing and doing another. I think we all are, if we're honest. I see my kids quarreling and yelling like a couple of babies, then I lose my temper and yell at them for yelling. Granted, this is a less drastic offense that Spitzer's, humanly speaking, but you get the point. I'm inconsistent. I don't struggle with the same sins as Governor Spitzer, but I sin, nonetheless. Sin is falling short of God's standard. It's easy to compare myself to the next guy. That makes me feel good. But when I see God's standard, I don't have any room for pride.

I don't have any reason to think that Spitzer is a God-fearing man (I don't know anything about him, really.) But do only scum of the earth reprobates engage in such activities? Well, King David was considered a "man after God's own heart" and he murdered Bathsheba's husband and had an affair with her. Sounds pretty premeditated and evil. And indeed, it was very evil. By God's grace, he repented. My point is, even the godliest peope are at risk for caving in to despicable behavior. How much more likely is it that those who are not so godly would give in to sin? Is it surprising that Governor Spitzer behaved in this way? No. Is it excusable? Absolutely not. But let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall. This family needs prayer. And we all need to be on guard against the deceitfulness of our own hearts when it comes to sin.

I agree with previous posters who have a problem with dismissing the wife's loyalty as being motivated by money, greed, or something shady. Sure, this could be the case. But to *assume* this is true is unfair. A long marriage and 3 children is not something to take lightly. Neither is Spitzer's offense. She surely has a great deal to consider. I have no idea what I would do in this situation. If he has an unrepentant heart and she's motivated by something other than love, they are to be pitied and prayed for. If he's repentant and she is torn by her love for her husband, they are to be pitied and prayed for. I just don't see any room for anger or hostility toward either of them.

[JudoMom]

It's on the news again today. The politician caught. The news conference. The stoic wife by his side.

I just don't know if I could do it.

I cannot imagine the humiliation experienced by these wives. In front of everyone.

I would be so devastated, I don't think I could see anyone for a while. If I *tried* to stand beside someone, I'd probably be crying the whole time. My makeup would be a mess.

Maybe these women are made of something tougher than I. After all, their lives have been under public scrutiny in good times, as well.

I am awed that they can do it. God bless them.

As we watched this on the news last night, I told dh that I wouldn't be able to stand behind/beside him in that situation without continually smacking him on the head.

I don't know how or why they do it.

[GothicGyrl]

has remained in a marriage even though DH cheated? I find that hard to believe.

I'm going on record to state that my DH cheated, and I'm still married to him. I would never in a million years speculate on why any other woman remains in her marriage after the spouse cheats, but I'm sure at least one or two of my reasons would apply to anyone else, famous or not.

And by the way, although no cameras were on me, I did get up and go to work the next day after DH's "revelation", and calmly carry on with my job. What else was I supposed to do? You'd better believe I cried in my private time, but I had to hold it together in front of my son.

What should these women do? Throw away the last bit of dignity they have remaining, to scream, cry and throw a fit in front of that publicity? Would that help their children through this ordeal? It takes time to figure out what to do and divorce, maybe they just haven't gotten there yet.

Sheesh.
Michelle T

Let me first clarify that I've not had a **husband** cheat on me (I've only one, btw :) ).. but I have had boyfriends cheat, even "baby daddy" cheated and yes, they were OUT THE DOOR. I've no time to waste on scum like this.

Now let me also clarify, Michelle, that I am not calling your DH scum because I do not know him. Do I feel what he did was scummy? YOU BET. And I'd have very little respect for him for doing so. Your reasons for not leaving him, while I recognize them as your own, do not work for ME.

Let me break it down this way:
We had a young child, I did not want to become a single mother--I had two and two parents who loved me more. Which is more important to me at that point. Not to mention, even though I was dating, I was still technically a single mom and despite what some say, it rocked!

There was no way I could afford to keep our house on my own---Ain't no shame living with mom and dad, that's for sure. And I'm glad I did

I was too frightened of being alone--If I comment on this, it'll sound like I am picking on YOU, which I am not, so please understand that. But this is not an excuse for me.

I still loved DH---you think I didn't love them? I just gave them a child. You bet I did. But again, I'm not picking on YOU, but this is also not an excuse for me

I had already invested many years into our marriage---and lost thousands of dollars to his addictions, to his issues. NO WAY. My kids are more important and deserve better than that.

He promised to never do it again--biggest line of bull (again FOR ME) I've ever heard.

I did not want to enter the dating world again---and I didn't so soon. In fact, I was very combatitive towards my now DH. He's the one who pursued me ;)

I felt it was in DS's best interests to have married parents--well, I can't agree or disagree on this one. My girls did just fine with only me involved. But again, these are my reasons for kicking him to the curb.

I was embarrassed--This will be the only one I directly question to you--WHY? YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!! He should be the one ebarrassed--for what he did to you and to his family.

I was absolutely terrified--Unless you mean you were just terrified of being on your own(for which I DO understand), I'm not catching what you mean by this? Were you scared of your DH and what he might do to you if you left?

I was in complete shock for a long time--of course I was too! But by the time I met DH, I was used to it happening that I fully expected DH to do it as well. 8 years later, it's never happened and he has no desire for it to happen. ;)

I was so filled with anger, I couldn't think straight--and he got thrown in jail for it. Yep, I retaliated by throwing him in prison and I feel not one bit guilty doing it (FTR, he beat me)

I would have to have gotten a new job that paid better--and this is a bad thing? Hun, that's a good thing!! For you especially.

I would have lost many of our friends--well, I can't speak on this. I've never had any real friends, not to mention any that we shared. So this is foreign to me.

Again, I AM NOT PICKING ON MICHELLE!! Only stating WHY I would have kicked someone to the curb and why I have. My DH is loyal to me and I am totally comfortable saying this. I have no fears with him. But I have been there, done that and I simply do not understand putting up with it!! I just could not knowing that he "got pleasure" from someone else other than me.

My point is, I do not and would never begrudge someone as "throwing away their dignity" for getting rid of the jerk!! In fact, I'd be singing their praises because I feel it's actually KEEPING your dignity in tact and improving it, by dumping him!! It makes you stronger. In my eyes, you appear weak by standing by him for doing this (this lady, not Michelle).

[JuJuBee]

Looking at the pictures of her, she looks completely devastated. My guess is that she's on auto-pilot right now, and for her that probably means going where she's told to go, standing for pictures, etc.

On the other hand, I don't know anything about their situation. I would never blame the faithful partner for an unfaithful partner's infidelity, and yet at the same time I think situations like this spring from already dysfunctional relationships. That's not to excuse him -- obviously we all have some level of brokenness in our relationships (being fallen creatures and all), but I'm just saying we don't know the total picture here. It wouldn't mean his infidelity was therefore "OK" of course. It's hard to know what was going on in their marriage, what problems they had, what issues were unresolved. Maybe he is just a self-absorbed, power-hungry, I'm above the law kind of guy and she's a completely innocent victim, or maybe there were pre-existing conditions in their marriage which made this type of scenario more likely. It's just heartbreaking all around. :(

[OnTheBrink]

has remained in a marriage even though DH cheated? I find that hard to believe.

I'm going on record to state that my DH cheated, and I'm still married to him. I would never in a million years speculate on why any other woman remains in her marriage after the spouse cheats, but I'm sure at least one or two of my reasons would apply to anyone else, famous or not.

Reasons:
We had a young child, I did not want to become a single mother
There was no way I could afford to keep our house on my own
I was too frightened of being alone
I still loved DH
I had already invested many years into our marriage
He promised to never do it again
I did not want to enter the dating world again
I felt it was in DS's best interests to have married parents
I was embarrassed
I was absolutely terrified
I was in complete shock for a long time
I was so filled with anger, I couldn't think straight
I would have to have gotten a new job that paid better
I would have lost many of our friends

I could probably think of more, but those come to mind.

And by the way, although no cameras were on me, I did get up and go to work the next day after DH's "revelation", and calmly carry on with my job. What else was I supposed to do? You'd better believe I cried in my private time, but I had to hold it together in front of my son.

What should these women do? Throw away the last bit of dignity they have remaining, to scream, cry and throw a fit in front of that publicity? Would that help their children through this ordeal? It takes time to figure out what to do and divorce, maybe they just haven't gotten there yet.

Sheesh.
Michelle T

I found out in 1999 that EX was cheating with men. I stayed until 2005, when it was obvious by the absolutely vile emails I found, that he had absolutely no intention of of stopping. I initially stayed for the same reasons posted, but after 6 years of having my hopes in his honesty, integrity and loyalty dashed, I threw him out, divorced him, gave him the albatross of the house and went on my merry way, trying to pick up the pieces and keep my kids sane. I wanted to stay, I wanted to work it out, I didn't want my kids to have divorced parents, but even worse, I wanted them to have a mother they could respect. I felt that staying with him was nothing more than abusive to me and them emotionally and that in their eyes, I'd be nothing more than a pathetic doormat. We all knew what he was doing and we knew it wouldn't change.

I still believe in marriage and I pray for God to bring a godly man into my life, but I don't regret divorcing EX for one second. I can look at myself and know that I did all that was humanly possible to keep the marriage going, but a marriage can't stand on lies and deceit and continuous adultery.

I'm not sure how I got onto this, but that's my story for throwing the baggage out. And I'm stickin' to it. :D

[Liberty]

Might I put forth an additional reason (one that may seem absurd, but, I believe, is a factor sometimes): Some women don't really care whether their dh sleeps with other women.

Before y'all throw stones, there are women who believe it's A-OK. I know of examples of this attitude from very famous women, in fact. My following examples will embarrisingly reveal how much TV/rags I watch/read, but oh well.

Examples:
-On Biography, Kirk Douglas' second wife stated she doesn't believe men are capable of being monogomous--her lax attitude about his sleeping around is what made their marriage last for so long (this is what she stated).
-Maria Shriver, in an interview I once read, stated the same thing. I can't remember where I'd read her interview before, but the words she used implied her attitude toward the issue was similar to that of other women in her family (how many Kennedy women divorced their husbands?). Men will be men, was the implications (and men fool around)
-Heather Locklear and Kate Hudson have stated in interviews that they didn't expect their rock-n-roll husbands to be faithful while on the road. No big deal to them.
-On Larry King Live, Bono stated that he didn't believe faithfulness to one person was normal (though, he himself practiced monogamy simply because he was SO IN LOVE with his wife).
-Despite what everyone here seems to believe, Clinton, I believe, is a philanderer and never stopped being one simply because of the Lewinsky scandal. In another Bono interview I read (big U2 fan here), Bono's dear friend Bill stopped by Bono's house in Dublin (post-presidency) and wanted to be hooked up with the local women. Has anyone stopped to think maybe Hillary had the "Kirk Douglas wife/Kennedy woman/Locklear/Hudson attitude" that believes "men will be men"? Of course, the First Lady of our country isn't about to come out and state as much.

I'm sorry that this may seem completely insensitive, but, like I said, I am speculating here and just throwing this into the discussion, fwiw.

[Scarlett]

My best friend was married to a seriel adulterer. *I* think she stayed too long,(5 years at least), but she did what she felt she had to do. She wanted to be able to say she tried everything.

I think most of how I feel about this issue has to do with how long has it been going on? Does he do it again after being caught/confessing and saying he won't do it again? I would certainly hope for forgiveness if *I* did something like that, and I would feel empathy and sympathy for a dh would got himself caught up in an affair. I don't think that compares to what SolaMichelle described or what this governor did.

[chickenpatty]

I don't think I would leave, but I don't think I could stand there and face the press with him. Ugh! I think I'd get physically ill besides. (Or I might be too tempted to strangle him!)

[Kelli in TN]

has remained in a marriage even though DH cheated? I find that hard to believe.

I'm going on record to state that my DH cheated, and I'm still married to him. I would never in a million years speculate on why any other woman remains in her marriage after the spouse cheats, but I'm sure at least one or two of my reasons would apply to anyone else, famous or not.

Reasons:
We had a young child, I did not want to become a single mother
There was no way I could afford to keep our house on my own
I was too frightened of being alone
I still loved DH
I had already invested many years into our marriage
He promised to never do it again
I did not want to enter the dating world again
I felt it was in DS's best interests to have married parents
I was embarrassed
I was absolutely terrified
I was in complete shock for a long time
I was so filled with anger, I couldn't think straight
I would have to have gotten a new job that paid better
I would have lost many of our friends

I could probably think of more, but those come to mind.

And by the way, although no cameras were on me, I did get up and go to work the next day after DH's "revelation", and calmly carry on with my job. What else was I supposed to do? You'd better believe I cried in my private time, but I had to hold it together in front of my son.

What should these women do? Throw away the last bit of dignity they have remaining, to scream, cry and throw a fit in front of that publicity? Would that help their children through this ordeal? It takes time to figure out what to do and divorce, maybe they just haven't gotten there yet.

Sheesh.
Michelle T

You know, many women have stayed after betrayal. I don't think the ones who stayed and worked it out will really want to stand up and be counted. Some may just prefer to be private. Some may know someone in real life who reads these boards and wish to keep it from becoming common knowledge among their friends. Maybe it happened 20 years ago and is no longer a factor in the marriage or the life. Maybe it was a one time thing and the guilt and regret were immediately apparent.

But yes, women stay, men repent, life goes on. It happens and you are not alone. Your reasons for staying were valid.

Sometimes God brings beauty from ashes.

[Scarlett]

Yes, that is right Kelli. And I bet if we could still post anon, more would talk in this thread.

As for some women thinking men can't be faithful and those women are 'ok' with it. Ick. What an insult to men in general. I think some of those women are so deeply immersed in a culture (the Kennedys for example) that they know no other way. Others just seem like they are trying to be hip or all knowing or something. Weird. If it were 'natural' for men (or women) to cheat, it wouldn't hurt the offended spouse so much.

[Kris]

And? It still makes the Hilary comments invalid. Her running for president NOW has nothing to do with what happened when her husband was president--especially considering she had nothing to do with what her husband did.

You seem to have forgotten the topic of the original post, i.e., women who stand by their scandal-ridden husbands.

Hillary had an agenda. Much as you might like to re-write history, using her as a very prominent example of why the humiliated wife might be willing to endure that is completely valid.

The wife in the instant case most likely didn't participate or support her husband's indiscretions, either. That's not what the post was about.

[cin]

I stayed. And our marriage is better for it. Was I devastated? You bet, but it was the first time, and I took those vows. If it happens again, there will be some serious consideration as to what to do, and alot of marriage/individual counseling. I do know a lot of Goldy men who have strayed, and only recently is the church realizing that it is a SERIOUS issue for men. Once again, that does not make it right, but it is a problem that they have to deal with and in today's society, dealing with it is more difficult than ever.

[GothicGyrl]

Might I put forth an additional reason (one that may seem absurd, but, I believe, is a factor sometimes): Some women don't really care whether their dh sleeps with other women.

Before y'all throw stones, there are women who believe it's A-OK. I know of examples of this attitude from very famous women, in fact. My following examples will embarrisingly reveal how much TV/rags I watch/read, but oh well.

Examples:
-On Biography, Kirk Douglas' second wife stated she doesn't believe men are capable of being monogomous--her lax attitude about his sleeping around is what made their marriage last for so long (this is what she stated).
-Maria Shriver, in an interview I once read, stated the same thing. I can't remember where I'd read her interview before, but the words she used implied her attitude toward the issue was similar to that of other women in her family (how many Kennedy women divorced their husbands?). Men will be men, was the implications (and men fool around)
-Heather Locklear and Kate Hudson have stated in interviews that they didn't expect their rock-n-roll husbands to be faithful while on the road. No big deal to them.
-On Larry King Live, Bono stated that he didn't believe faithfulness to one person was normal (though, he himself practiced monogamy simply because he was SO IN LOVE with his wife).
-Despite what everyone here seems to believe, Clinton, I believe, is a philanderer and never stopped being one simply because of the Lewinsky scandal. In another Bono interview I read (big U2 fan here), Bono's dear friend Bill stopped by Bono's house in Dublin (post-presidency) and wanted to be hooked up with the local women. Has anyone stopped to think maybe Hillary had the "Kirk Douglas wife/Kennedy woman/Locklear/Hudson attitude" that believes "men will be men"? Of course, the First Lady of our country isn't about to come out and state as much.

I'm sorry that this may seem completely insensitive, but, like I said, I am speculating here and just throwing this into the discussion, fwiw.
No stone throwing here. While I don't that's what's happening in this particular case, it could have been that way in Clinton's (though I doubt it too, based on how it was handled).. but then again, I don't doubt it happening.

This guy, I think this is the big deal, spent his political career trying to remove the same people from society that he so galantly slept with. I think that's where the crux of this lay. He lied--not only to his constituency, but to his family.

You may never watch this movie--but it reminds me very much like what happened to a Senator in the movie Birdcage (with Robin Williams). Gene Hackman plays a Senator who founds a "coilition" against immoral conduct and his co-founder is found dead, in bed, with a black, underage, prostitute. Of course the underlying story of the movie is deeper than this, but same points--the co-founder of something so highly regarded is found doing exactly what he chastises and fights against.

To me, this guy is doing the same thing--it removes any and all credibilty he may have had and the best thing for his wife is to seperate herself from that and get her own credibility!

[GothicGyrl]

You seem to have forgotten the topic of the original post, i.e., women who stand by their scandal-ridden husbands.

Hillary had an agenda. Much as you might like to re-write history, using her as a very prominent example of why the humiliated wife might be willing to endure that is completely valid.

The wife in the instant case most likely didn't participate or support her husband's indiscretions, either. That's not what the post was about.
Such a lovely back-handed insult. ;)

And no I did not forget the intent of the OP, of course, you seem to be ignoring that I never brought Hillary in to this in the first place. I just carpeted the insulting because there is no reason for it.

You are free to believe she had an agenda. Many people do. I am sure she does. But it isn't my place to judge what her "agenda" was based solely on her husband's lack of common sense.

No one said the wife, in this case, supports her husband's indiscretions. Nope, no one. What I've said (and some others), is that her saving face (or grace, if you prefer) is to gather up her remaining dignity and build it up better than he could ever do. That is my opinion.

[LisaK in VA]

I am a very sensitive person -- but you would never know it.

After years of being teased incessently, I grew walls. Very strong, very thick, and very hard to break through.

When facing adversity or difficulties (especially in public) I am unable to cry. People can be crying all around me, but I just can't. I want to, but I can't.

Of course, get me behind closed doors, where I feel safe -- and I'm a basket case.

Just not in public. Never in public.

I would imagine being in the public eye as much as she has, she has "learned" how to put on the stoic, public face. In private, it is in all probability very different.

[Doran]

*Maybe* she actually loves her husband in spite of his flaws. *Maybe* she's in shock, she's heartbroken, and she doesn't know what she's going to do. *Maybe* she wants to try to rip his beating heart out of his body, but she doesn't want to come across as hysterical and violent on national television.

Give the poor woman a break.

I happen to agree with you, abbey. It's true that we tend to think the worst of so many in the political arena because they have, in many ways, taught us to do so. But, she is also just a woman who up until very recently may have felt she had a decent relationship with her husband, and now she's just trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces. Maybe it is all about her devotion to this man, coupled with the shock of such news. If the "mess" wasn't promoted by the media, we would have no knowledge of it ourselves. It would just be one more marriage in need of a lot of work...and maybe, if we learned of it through friends and neighbors, a lot of prayer...but definitely not in need of stone casting.

Doran

[Kris]

Such a lovely back-handed insult. ;)

Everyone who disagrees with you and believes your arguments are invalid is not insulting you, much as you seem to want to think so. If my intent was to insult you, there would be nothing back-handed about it.

And no I did not forget the intent of the OP, of course, you seem to be ignoring that I never brought Hillary in to this in the first place. I just carpeted the insulting because there is no reason for it.

I didn't say you brought Hillary up in the first place. You said that references to her were "sneaky" in the context of this thread. I don't believe they are. If the references to her agenda are insulting, that would be her problem, not yours.

You are free to believe she had an agenda. Many people do. I am sure she does. But it isn't my place to judge what her "agenda" was based solely on her husband's lack of common sense.

It definitely is my place to judge her if she wants to run this country. And that judgment isn't based on her husband's lack of common sense, but on her actions and beliefs. It is my judgment of Mr. Clinton that is based on his lack of common sense.

No one said the wife, in this case, supports her husband's indiscretions. Nope, no one. What I've said (and some others), is that her saving face (or grace, if you prefer) is to gather up her remaining dignity and build it up better than he could ever do. That is my opinion.

You've taken my comment out of context. It was *you* who said that that references to Hillary were invalid because she had nothing to do with what her husband did.

[Kris]

*Maybe* she actually loves her husband in spite of his flaws. *Maybe* she's in shock, she's heartbroken, and she doesn't know what she's going to do. *Maybe* she wants to try to rip his beating heart out of his body, but she doesn't want to come across as hysterical and violent on national television.

Give the poor woman a break.

I can imagine her head is reeling so badly she could barely dress herself this morning, let alone engage in any kind of coherent thought process, especially about matters as important as the future of her family.

To me, it's another strike against him and his handlers for placing this poor shell-shocked woman on national TV. I suppose it was *intended* to look like she was standing behind her man, since she literally was. But she looks like she'd rather be doing *anything* else right at that moment.

[astrid]

What if SHE was in a position of power and cheated?
And HE stood by her side during the press conference?

Would we not be commenting about what an upstanding, supportive man he is? What a good father, to be standing there for his kids?

I'm just wondering--- Hillary is always the object of such a double-standard when it comes to politics.

I wonder if the tables were turned, would we feel differently toward the spurned spouse?

[GothicGyrl]

What if SHE was in a position of power and cheated?
And HE stood by her side during the press conference?

Would we not be commenting about what an upstanding, supportive man he is? What a good father, to be standing there for his kids?

I'm just wondering--- Hillary is always the object of such a double-standard when it comes to politics.

I wonder if the tables were turned, would we feel differently toward the spurned spouse?
bingo.. double bingo and power bingo at that ;)

always the double standard.

[PariSarah]

I'm just wondering--- Hillary is always the object of such a double-standard when it comes to politics.

This is so true.

From what I understand, both Clintons are known for their naked political ambition. But Hillary is the one that gets flak for it. Both are known to have done many things in order to get/maintain power. But Hillary is the one that is perceived most negatively (among those who perceive either or both negatively).

I can't stand her--I can't stand either of them. But I am a little chastened when I think about how my particular revulsion for her may just spring at least as much from how I perceive "women should be" as from any actual character or political judgments.

[astrid]

For instance, Hillary comes out swinging in a debate. She's called a "bee-otch." Do you hear male candidates of either party being characterized similarly for similar behavior? I've read recently about McCain's outrageous temper (well-publicized by members of his own party, mind you.) He's called "forceful" and "decisive." If Hillary or any other female in a position of influence and power refused to take advice, flew off the handle to the point of temporary insanity or stood on the senate floor in front of video cameras and told a fellow senator to "go f-himself," it would be all over, and some of us here would be performing a virtual drawing and quartering and vivisection of the woman.

I'd just like to think that we've come further than that in this country. :o

[OhM]

Might I put forth an additional reason (one that may seem absurd, but, I believe, is a factor sometimes): Some women don't really care whether their dh sleeps with other women.

Before y'all throw stones, there are women who believe it's A-OK. I know of examples of this attitude from very famous women, in fact. My following examples will embarrisingly reveal how much TV/rags I watch/read, but oh well.

Examples:
-On Biography, Kirk Douglas' second wife stated she doesn't believe men are capable of being monogomous--her lax attitude about his sleeping around is what made their marriage last for so long (this is what she stated).
-Maria Shriver, in an interview I once read, stated the same thing. I can't remember where I'd read her interview before, but the words she used implied her attitude toward the issue was similar to that of other women in her family (how many Kennedy women divorced their husbands?). Men will be men, was the implications (and men fool around)
-Heather Locklear and Kate Hudson have stated in interviews that they didn't expect their rock-n-roll husbands to be faithful while on the road. No big deal to them.
-On Larry King Live, Bono stated that he didn't believe faithfulness to one person was normal (though, he himself practiced monogamy simply because he was SO IN LOVE with his wife).
-Despite what everyone here seems to believe, Clinton, I believe, is a philanderer and never stopped being one simply because of the Lewinsky scandal. In another Bono interview I read (big U2 fan here), Bono's dear friend Bill stopped by Bono's house in Dublin (post-presidency) and wanted to be hooked up with the local women. Has anyone stopped to think maybe Hillary had the "Kirk Douglas wife/Kennedy woman/Locklear/Hudson attitude" that believes "men will be men"? Of course, the First Lady of our country isn't about to come out and state as much.

I'm sorry that this may seem completely insensitive, but, like I said, I am speculating here and just throwing this into the discussion, fwiw.


I've read that Rose Kennedy had a similar philosophy. And I've met couples - everyday, ordinary people like me(!) - who live by that philosophy. As long as he keeps it quiet and it doesn't intrude on "their" or "her" life, he's permitted whatever indiscretions he desires. She's usually happy to have him "out of her hair". I've never delved into the health issues with such an arrangement, though I've always wondered. I just know I could never stomach it.

I'm surprised not to see my theory represented yet. Doesn't anyone else think that these high-profile, high-power marriages are (at times, not always) a contract? I've always expected that a wife in such a union would have specific and restrictive responsibilities regarding how and when she can/should present herself in public.

Maybe this is an extension of the "marrying for money" discussion we had awhile back? Marrying power?

It all reminds me of a high school classmate whose sole ambition after high school was to marry a man with money who would provide her the lifestyle that she wanted. She returned to our 10 year reunion a CT society housewife with 2 kids and a husband commuting to NYC. She serves on boards for local arts organizations and supervises the decorating and running of her house. The lifestyle is completely foreign to me and the rest of our classmates here in central OH! And it seemed to me that her "job" is much more difficult than any I have had: the house, the kids, her life, her manner, her body must be kept "just so" to fulfill her part of the bargain. Maybe ignoring the husband's dalliances is just another part of the bargain for some of these wives? And standing stoically, supportively beside them when they face the music is another part?

[Virginia Dawn]

I did say I was cynical, but I was being general not specific.

If it was me, I would have emptied the bank account and packed my bags long ago. I haven't a noble bone in my body when it comes to certain things. The only reason to stay in that kind of situation that *I* could conceive of was if I had a motive. Thank God I have never been put to the test.

One thing I agree with, I don't think President Clinton is or has ever been stupid in any way. I believe he has always known exactly what he was doing. He was already known as a philanderer when he was governor and while he was running for president. So far he's managed to get away with it, hasn't he? Hillary, also, has never been stupid, she has known what he is like for a very long time. I don't presume to be able to read her heart or mind, but one can't help wondering.

As for the newest situation, I have nothing to say except that if the wife was clueless about her husband's exploits and she still loves him, she has my unbounded sympathy, and I hope she finds some kind of future happiness.

[Janet in WA]

Two possibilities come to mind:

1. She's a seasoned politician's wife, and this is the kind of thing a seasoned politician's wife does.

2. This isn't a surprise to her -- it's only a surprise to us. She's stuck by him this long, why not a little longer?

[WTMindy]

I just don't think I could stay. I told dh that last night when we were talking about it and he said, "I wouldn't expect you to."

I will say that there is something about power (in politics, in the church, etc...) that leads people to think they are above the law. I am always saddened when pastors fall to the very things they preach against. I am always amazed that leaders risk so much when they have so much to lose, but it seems that there is something about the position of authority that affects the thinking. I told dh he was not allowed to run for president!

[Liberty]

This guy, I think this is the big deal, spent his political career trying to remove the same people from society that he so galantly slept with. I think that's where the crux of this lay. He lied--not only to his constituency, but to his family.

You may never watch this movie--but it reminds me very much like what happened to a Senator in the movie Birdcage (with Robin Williams). Gene Hackman plays a Senator who founds a "coilition" against immoral conduct and his co-founder is found dead, in bed, with a black, underage, prostitute. Of course the underlying story of the movie is deeper than this, but same points--the co-founder of something so highly regarded is found doing exactly what he chastises and fights against.

To me, this guy is doing the same thing--it removes any and all credibilty he may have had and the best thing for his wife is to seperate herself from that and get her own credibility!

I agree and I did see that movie (which was very funny). I've read reports stating the man (Spitzer) had always carried himself arrogantly, especially in his pursuit of these very same type of crime rings. In the end, though, I believe we are all a bit hypocritical. In this case it's a matter of "the bigger they are, the harder they fall."

[Audrey]

I think it's easy to say what "we" "might" do in this situation, but really none of us knows how Ms. Spitzer feels, or what she is going to feel down the road. She could have reasons for standing next to him that we can't even imagine. She could have had discussions with him that we couldn't ever fathom. She could have plans and thoughts going on in her head right now that might blow our minds, or make us scream or cry.

Bottom line is: You'd have to walk a mile in her shoes... and frankly, I don't ever want to have to do that. From my vantage point, at least, her shoes suck.

[Gigi]

To me, it's another strike against him and his handlers for placing this poor shell-shocked woman on national TV. I suppose it was *intended* to look like she was standing behind her man, since she literally was. But she looks like she'd rather be doing *anything* else right at that moment.

The honorable thing would be to go and stand in front of the news media alone. He should be thinking first of his wife and letting her process everything and not have to face the cameras. These public confessions make wives look like political accessories. Let the men stand up and face the music alone. Let them take the full hit of the consequences publically and let their wives deal with it privately.

I think it is adding insult to injury that those who counsel with these politicians are willing to see the wives as an object. They want people to focus on the wife, offer sympathy, and forget about the jerk who is actually speaking.

[Scarlett]

I don't know what I would do if I found out my dh was having or had had an affair. After almost 25 years of marriage, and all we've seen happen to others as a result of that type of behavior I would just think, 'wow. If you haven't 'got' it by this point you arent' going to get it.' I don't know if I would leave or not. (shhhh. Don't tell him that)

I do know that if I found out he had been seeing prostitutes on a regular basis for 6-10 years.....spending $1000s on them....I'm am pretty sure I would be gone. Because that degree of transgression is a way of life more than just a mistake. Or a compulsion. And I wouldn't want to deal with either.

I do agree though that we can't say for sure until we are in that exact situation. And I pray none of us ever have dh's seeking prostitutes!