Homescooling, raising children and levels of support. . .

[Marie in Oh]

I was talking with a friend thin morning and wondering if most moms/dads like us feel like an island. So, here is my qustion. . .do you feel like you are going it alone, or do you feel supprted in your endeavor to raise, educate a number of kids. If you do feel supported, where does your support come from- church, family, friends, neighbors?

I would say I feel mildly supported, but I still feel that day to day that I am going it alone. Wondering what the differences are for those who feel differently.

PS- That would be Homeschooling in the opening line and lamenting the edit key doesn't work for that.

[Mrs. H.]

Most of the time I feel like we're going it alone, and then I get on these boards and realize how many homeschoolers there are out there, maybe not in my neighborhood, but "out there" in general.

As for support...well, this may seem harsh, bitter, jaded, or whatever, but I really don't care. As long as my dh supports us homeschooling our children, I could care less what my family members, friends, or fellow church goers think about us homeschooling our children. I'm not saying that you do care what others think, just that we don't.

My dh is an interesting person. He would RATHER be an island, doing our own thing, and have everyone leave us alone, than he would have active support from family and friends. I think that comes across in his personality, so people don't really give their opinions of what we do.

[clane]

I feel very much alone lately. DH works long hours with a long commute and family is not close enough to drop by to visit on a whim, help out with the girls, etc.

[asher]

In terms of support, I feel very supported. We have a great, active hs group here, with many moms that I've become close to. My extended family is supportive of our choice (although they have questioned it in the past). For those who don't support our choice, I'm not so much concerned with them. Dh & I feel as though we're doing the right thing by God & for our children, so that supercedes others' opinions. We are due to move in the coming year & I pray I'm able to find a great hs'ing group there, too.

In terms of the actual work, sometimes I feel overwhelmed and daunted. Dh works ridiculous hours (he's an Army recruiter) and I often do all the hs'ing and all the housework, so that can be difficult at times.

[Closeacademy]

When my dds were little I felt good about our parenting decisions and like we had a lot of support because of La Leche League.

But it has taken quite a few years of hanging around the homeschooling groups to feel like I have a good supportive community. My dh has always supported me, my MIL gave the nod of approval and so does the family members who opinions I respect.

It has just been over the last year that I have been able to develop friendships with other homeschooling moms and we have built our own little support network within the larger network.

So yes, I have support now and it is great. Before I found my friends I felt very lonely especially around this time of the year. I often felt like I was adrift in an ocean with no hope but knowing I was doing what was right for our family. Now, I feel like if I am having a bad day I can call a friend.

This group has been very supportive but it is not the same as friends that you can talk to and hear a voice.

[Sue G in PA]

:) Seriously, I feel as if I get more support from you all, my cyberfriends, than anyone else. People "support" us on our journey of hsing, but as far as the day to day, nitty gritty of raising kids, schooling, keeping house, etc...there is none. We are alone. Does anyone KWIM? We are supported in voice (family, friends, etc.) but not action. I don't really expect much of that, though. My friends have their own lives. This is our decision so it's our responsibility. Talking to other friends who homeschool gives me the encouragement I need to continue even on the roughest of days. That's all I need, really. "Venting" on this board, asking questions, seeking advice, is good enough for me.

But, I will say the lonliness is overwhelming at times. My friends are all at different stages of their life. Our schedules just don't jive. I feel I can be flexible, but most of my IRL friends don't bother with me during the week unless I call them. It's almost as if I'm in a little bubble. THAT gets a bit frustrating at times. But, I'm not complaining.

[Jenny in Florida]

My husband is supportive in a general kind of way. He loves that we homeschool and frequently tells me (and pretty much anyone else who will listen) how great the kids are and what a good job I do. He has little problem devoting financial resources to the cause and will generally at least pretend to pay attention when I need to talk out an issue. He also serves as a substitute when I need to be away for a day or two (although even he will admit he's not really into it).

As I type that out, it sounds great. And it is. But he's not particularly interested in the nitty gritty stuff: curriculum choices, scheduling, sourcing reading material for specific historical eras, etc. And when I do have a problem with something, he tends to do that stereotypical male thing of trying to jump impatiently to the most drastic solution. This tends to hold true of non-homeschooling, general parenting challenges, too, by the way.

In terms of the outside world, though, I feel completely isolated in my efforts at both parenting, in general, and homeschooling. We're fairly liberal, politically and socially, and most of the homeschoolers I know who share those tendencies lean toward a much more unschool-y lifestyle. So, I have very little common ground with them when it comes to education. On the other hand, I find I have to tread very carefullly when I attempt to interact in person with the more academically oriented folks I know, because we have such different viewpoints on other issues. (I do better here, because I can think better when I'm typing and have access to a delete key.)

The religious denomination to which we belong has a lot of academic types in our membership, and there tends to be a lot of skepticism about homeschooling. We have relatively few homeschoolers, and the ones we do have, again, tend toward a much looser approach. The local church we attend currently has very few homeschoolers, and my previous attempts to get anything going there have all fallen flat.

Add to all of this the fact that both of my kids are academically gifted and pretty radically accelerated--which carries with it a whole 'nother set of issues--and there just aren't a lot of people sharing rowing duties in my boat.

--Jenny

[Danestress]

So, here is my qustion. . .do you feel like you are going it alone, or do you feel supprted in your endeavor to raise, educate a number of kids. If you do feel supported, where does your support come from- church, family, friends, neighbors?




My husband is supportive in terms of finances and emotional/spiritual support. He also plays tennis and swims with our boys and is starting to teach art. But for the most part, I am the sole academic instructor.

My parents used to be a great support. They are still cheerleaders, but lately they have needed a lot from me (Dad has Alzheimer's Disease) and so I am more supporting them then they other way around - in terms of actually doing things. They are still great cheerleaders for me and pay for some extras for the children, and are really loving and WANT to help.

I have lovely friends who are supportive of me as a person. They don't really do anything special to support homeschooling, but it's always great for any Mom to know who she will call when she needs someone to watch the kids. Lately a few of my friends have been wonderful about having my kids over when I need to be with my father so Mom can get out and do something.

[8FillTheHeart]

So, here is my qustion. . .do you feel like you are going it alone, or do you feel supprted in your endeavor to raise, educate a number of kids. If you do feel supported, where does your support come from- church, family, friends, neighbors?


Other than the fact that my dh agrees with the decision......it's all me. Family and friends really don't care one way or the other (not that I would care if they did.) Even our friends that homeschool, they homeschool so differently that we don't even discuss homeschooling.

I guess I am not sure how much one can feel supported when it comes to homeschooling. I guess it sort of like my dh and his job......he can feel appreciated by fellow workers and our family can show him appreciation for his efforts, but by and large, unless your job is something special......does anyone else really care??

I don't feel criticized for homeschooling......so in that sense, I guess it sort of a non-issue??

[Jean in Newcastle]

My friends support "Me" - not homeschooling specifically (and most don't homeschool). I do have a couple of friends who do homeschool but their approach and philosophy are so different than mine that we don't talk about "homeschool" issues as much. For my specific questions re. curriculum etc. I come to these boards.

The grandparents (both mine and dh's) support us as a family esp. the kids. My in-laws were opposed to homeschooling at first (they are immigrants who see public education as the way to the American Dream) but they've decided that I'm not out to ruin their grandkids so its become more of a non-issue. When I say that they support the kids - I mean that they inquire more about how the kids are doing healthwise, and talk to them about their interests etc. but they don't take an interest in their education as such.

[Marie in Oh]

I guess my friend and I were both lamenting that we just don't feel supported period outside our dhs. Not just homeschooling. Just the isolating job of raising a posse of children with no outside involvement from anyone- grandparents (either because the live too far away or wouldn't anyway), church family (becasue they are doing their own thing), friends, neighbors, etc. I think it is the lack of community that I feel the most. I mean, I have friends, and that's all good, but in years past, there was extended family-- aunts, cousins, etc, as well as neighbors, church, etc that helped moms in our stage of life. It is just not that way anymore, and I find it a sad, lonely journey at times. Just wondering where people who don't feel they are going it alone find their community.

[angela in ohio]

I am supported by most people I come into contact with on a daily basis. Dh is incredibly supportive, my mother is proud of our homeschooling, and one in-law is supportive (and I don't care what the rest of them think, so that's okay.) :D My church is full of homeschoolers, my doctor thinks my kiddos rock, the librarians are kind in general, and even people in public are pretty nice to us (we go all over the place during the day.) Our church is centered around men leading families and wives as homemakers, so there is soo much support for my "job" there. We're pretty blessed, really.

I do feel a little lonely among other homeschoolers, as (except for a handful in our church) there aren't many academically rigorous or classically educating homeschoolers around here.

Maybe there are resources at church you have overlooked? Or maybe there are some other homeschoolers you can seek out locally?

[Jennifer in NH]

I feel like an island that might have a bridge or a causeway to it!:)

My DH is very supportive but works long hours, so not actually here much.. My family and in-laws are not hostile and don't talk about it. There is a hs support group here, but really only gets together once the weather is nicer...another month or so. Then there are you lovely people. over the past month or so you have all helped me out quite a bit...even without realizing it! Thanks!

[Eleni]

As a person who would thrive in communal living, with a husband who works 70-80 hrs a week, I would say I feel alone a lot. :D

but, I have found some good homeschooling friends, and we are involved in a few activities and that helps, my only wish is that we got together more often!

[Unicorn]

Dh is tremendously supportive and while he doesn't help w/ teaching, he comes home and does a lot of housework to help out. A few family members are semi-supportive in that they have said they think it is great, or have at least never made negative comments. Others smirk alot, or make snide remarks occasionally.

The local homeschool group is sort of..., well, they have known each other a long time, so I don't really have any "friends" in that area, but I only joined this year, so.... One of my closest friends homeschools, but she lives about 4 hours away. My bgf locally, doesn't get homeschooling at all, and I've gotten tired of defending myself and our schooling, so I just don't mention school to her. Not to say that I don't have to listen to her go on and on about issues at ps, though.

So, most of my support comes from dh and the wonderful people on this board. Oh, and the occasional comment from one of the dc like "What! I have to go away to college? You're not gonna homeschool me for that?" :)

[Eliana]

I feel very supported, in all areas of my life.

We live in a warm, supportive Jewish community; we have very close, supportive families (on both sides), and I have some incredible close friendships.

Things I have found most helpful:

My older kids have strong relationships with other adults in the community. (I think this will be even more valuable as they get into the older teen years.) It is a large extended family for all of the kids - for the little ones the joy is in having three houses within half a block of ours filled with friends and loved and trusted adults, for the older kids it is also the security of having other adults to learn from and help them form their sense of themselves and a their vision for their futures.

There are so many resources to support our children's religious education (and they are welcome at the adult classes and talks as well, assuming the topics are appropriate).

Though not everyone parents or schools as we do, our community places a high priority on education and shares many core parenting values.

There is always someone to call on if we need emergency child care, a ride, a meal, a shoulder to cry on... any support, at any level, over any time period.

I have a few very close friends (who've been my dear friends since high school) with whom I can share anything and everything.

Our parents are unbelievably supportive - they don't live in the same city, but if we needed them, they'd be here asap, and they are all very pro-homeschooling and very supportive of all our choices with our kids... even when they don't agree. They all have close relationships with our kids and their presence, even long distance, is a real gift to the kids.

All the less closely tied adults we encounter (doctors, librarians, co-workers, college professors, swim teachers, theater folk, etc) are so warmly supportive, so excited about the kids themselves and homeschooling in particular.

More important than all the outside support though is the support dh and I give each other... there is no aspect of our lives which we don't both feel as a joint responsibility - even if, on a practical level, one of us is doing more of the actual work than the other, it is all a team effort.

...but all of this has been years in the making, if that makes any sense. Much of it is just pure undeserved good fortune, some of it we have worked and/or sacrificed for, some of it has been the unexpected dividends of the life choices we made.

When we first moved to Seattle (10 years ago), I felt very alone. The community was just as warm, just as special, just as caring (and I would have had the same level of physical support the day after we moved here), but it took time to build connections, to feel at home.

Although our families are and have always been amazing, building the strong relationships we have now took work, and some mess-ups (mostly on my part, I think)...

And our marriage, my greatest treasure, took a lot of investment in the early years... we didn't start a savings account when we were young, but we are benefiting from having the opportunity to invest heavily in our relationship when we were first starting out.

In the end, imo, the circumstances of our lives are often the ones we need to live the lives we are meant to live. Our support network enabled us to survive some nightmarish times, and use them to grow whereas without it I think we would have been crushed.

fwiw and ymmv :)

[Musical Belle]

I guess my friend and I were both lamenting that we just don't feel supported period outside our dhs. Not just homeschooling. Just the isolating job of raising a posse of children with no outside involvement from anyone.

My dearest hs'ing friend and best supporter moved away almost two years ago, and although I am blessed with other friends it just hasn't been the same. We drove 2800 miles at Christmas so I could see her and be encouraged again, and it was well worth it! When I was really feeling crummy, she encouraged me to reach out to other hs'ers (or friends in general) to offer support to them. I felt a little pitiful that no one was coming to me, but it has helped my outlook to be a friend to these other moms.

[Karenciavo]

As for support...well, this may seem harsh, bitter, jaded, or whatever, but I really don't care.

This is how I feel too. Are you from Jersey by any chance? :)
Karen

[Jami]

I have a great deal of support, as far as I know!

Dh is probably more pro-homeschooling than I am. I'm all for classical, Christian education, but when we started out I was certainly open to finding the kind of academics I wanted in a private school setting (finances allowing). But dh wanted the unique homeschool environment as a way to raise our family, he's sort of anti-institutional that way. ;)

My parents and my in-laws are both outwardly supportive and encouraging. Mine probably understand *why* we choose this for our family as a way to disciple our children in our faith better, but dh's parents used Catholic private schools and can appreciate our not choosing public schools. Any misgivings they have about homeschooling is primarily lack of exposure to it, they think very highly of dh and I as parents though and think their grandchildren are the most brilliant ever. :D I also have an aunt who has homeschooled her three and my extended family thinks they've turned out well. And my sister homeschools and started before I did, so she had to get the initial questions and funny looks.

And then the churches we've been a part of have all been a mix of public, private and homeschooling and very supportive of all three. Our current church has 4 or 5 other homeschooling familes and so we have easy play dates on Bible Study days. :) The pastor and his wife homeschool and their three older, now graduated, daughters are so lovely and wonderful I can't imagine anyone in the church questioning that it was a great choice for their family.

Last, but not least, we live in a state and urban area where you can't help but bump into other homeschoolers. ;) There are groups and programs galore. The only place where there doesn't seem to be too many homeschoolers in our experience is on ds's soccer team. But we haven't had any negative reactions to being a homeschool family. I'm sure we're not the first homeschoolers that most of the other parents have met!

Jami

[Jami]

Eliana,

I just re-read your post, it sounds like our lives are very similar! Though in my case it's been the deep, rich relationships in two different church families that have been so important to our family. But I've lived in true community and it is a great blessing.

Jami

[chiguirre]

Well, I have lots of support. There is an advantage to having no choice but hsing. Both inlaws and my parents know that we can't send ds2 to any school and are pretty impressed by his accomplishments so they're very supportive. On the practical front, neither sets of grandparents help at all. Honestly, they can't handle all 3 kids for more than an hour or two on their own.

I do get plenty of practical support by paying for it. First, ds1's school is wonderful and lifts a huge weight off of my shoulders. Then, we have a great ABA therapist who comes to our house 4x a week and has helped me take the kids to activities when dh had to travel. All of the teachers at ds2 and dd's activities have been willing to work with me to make classtime successful. So, we've had lots of help but it isn't volunteer. OTOH, I've been pleasantly surprised by how helpful people will be if you have a special need and ask for help so that you can participate in their class.

[kalanamak]

I grew up a "child-adult" in that I liked classical music, didn't want to take up smoking, etc and was a "freak" in school.
I have never voted for a winning president.
I have a bottom freezer fridge and have a Mac.
I've never eaten a MacDonald's burger in my life.
I've not seen Star Wars, LOTR, any survivalist shows, River Dance, and never read more than the very first paragraph of the very first HP book.
And as a secular, neoclassical HSer who is the breadwinner of the family, a doc with a functionally illiterate husband and a menopause baby living with his undivorced bio mother and father (us) I think I just reached an astronomically small chance of existence. Perhaps I'm not even here.

I think, therefore I am.....I think.

[j.griff]

I feel pretty much on my own, mildly supported by conversations with my family. Since we've been living on the opposite side of the country from our family, there just hasn't been much physical support from them. I don't know if that will change when we move or not. I'm a pretty independent person though. DH's family has lots of questions about hsing, (is it legal? HOW do you KNOW they are Learning??????? etc. :rolleyes: ) and I hope those don't get worse or increase when we live closer. (I should think up some good answers for those ahead of time though- How do I know they are learning? Gosh- I never thought of that. I bet if we had that $400 microscope I'd KNOW they're learning then. ;) )

[abbeyej]

I have a tremendous amount of support. Dh is very supportive, though doesn't actively participate in our home schooling most of the time. My parents, while far away, are tremendously supportive. Even my in-laws, who used to think home schooling was crazy, now very much believe in what we are doing.

I have *tons* of home schooling friends -- in fact, since we moved here, nearly all of my closest friends are home schoolers (though I never set out for that to be the case). We don't all home school the same way, but it means I have a lot of camaraderie. I would *absolutely* home school without this -- it really doesn't matter to me a whole lot -- but since I do have it, it's nice, you know? Of course, the thing is, I do spend a lot of time supporting *other* home schoolers. It takes my time too.

The funny thing is, I'm really not much of a team player. ;) But I do have a great home school community right now. And it's really nice. Sometimes just for the friendships, sometimes because I *need* something. When I had flu a couple of weeks ago and dh was out of town, I emailed a friend and asked her to take my kids the next day or find someone who could. I knew we had enough mutual friends that if she wasn't available to help me out, she could find someone who could (and I was too sick to call people). She ended up taking the kids, making me soup, bringing me medicine and finding someone to watch the kids the next day as well. (And after a couple of days of fending for themselves 100%, my kids were grateful to have someone make them a real lunch too!)

[Jill, OK]

...I kind of have weird needs, when it comes to things like that.

For instance, it's not necessarily other homeschoolers where I get my best support; it might be a good friend, that loves *me*, and thinks I'm wonderful, lol, telling me that I'm doing something grand, and surely I'll figure a way out of whatever quandry I'm in. (Even if they don't fully understand it).

My family thinks homeschooling is great (my mom homeschooled my brother), but I don't know that I think of them automatically, when I think of 'support'.

I don't take part in any local support groups, or do co-ops (I belong to a couple of Yahoo lists, so that I can keep track of opportunities in the community)...but most of my friends happen to homeschool. I'd rather go out to dinner or something with a handful of them and talk about things *other* than homeschooling, to recharge, but if I have a struggle that I want to bounce off of another homeschooler, I know I have them available. (Although not all of us are on the same page about things, if you know what I mean. ;-)

This board actually gives me a lot of the encouragement and "Homeschool Talk" that I need, really. Even if it's just reading about other folks' decisions and ideas, it really hits the spot, many times.

[Janet in WA]

I'd say that we pretty much went it alone. We were usually the only homeschoolers in our church, and sometimes the only homeschoolers in our whole town. We were fine with that, though.