What do you do when your kid melts?

[Doran]

I wrestle with this, and have likely posted something similar in the past. Today, dd11 and I were doing some school work (making up for time lost on a spontaneous "fun" thing on Thursday). We were in the middle of her language arts lesson. And, btw, we were the only two home, so there were no distractions to speak of. Her attitude was less than lovely, which is not all that uncommon, but we usually just muscle through. I was trying to be extra patient (she's eleven and eleven is a moody age in my house), really keeping my voice calm, my attitude level. But, she was not. Snip, snap, grumble, whine. I finally reached my limit and told her she needed to adjust her attitude, that I am her teacher and in order to teach her anything I needed to be able to guide her in what to do without her rebuffing me at every turn. Arrrgh!

By the time I finished my little lecture, I sat across from a quivering chin and big wet eyes. This is the point at which I know continuing the lesson will be fruitless. She struggles academically in many ways, and I am sensitive to that. But, once she's gone into this mode, getting information into her head is harder than getting information into a brick.

So.....big deep breath. In a mildly miffed tone I said, "And, now, we can't continue until you've had a little break. So, why don't you have a stretch, get a snack, I'll wash some dishes, and we'll come back to this in a few minutes."

Maybe 30 minutes later, we were able to continue and finish the lesson without issue.

What would you have done?

Doran

[WTMindy]

My almost 11yodd needs a hug and she needs me to tell her I love her and that is pretty much all it takes to get her back on track. She is very tender spirited.

My 9.5yods needs a firmer hand or he will manipulate the heck out me!! :o With him I have to give him some form of discipline for a melt-down. This can be as simple as telling him he will get no dessert that day if he doesn't snap out it. For some reason this is SUPER motivating to him. Or, sometimes I tell him he has to work in his room if he has a bad attitude. He hates this because he hates being isolated. But, the biggest threat (and I try not to use this one too much) is when I tell him to put his books away and he has to do his work with Dad when he gets home. Let's just say that Dad is *NOT* manipulated and this is *NOT* a pleasurable experience for him, so he will work hard to try to avoid having to do that.

[gandpsmommy]

I also struggle with knowing what to do.

[coffeegal]

What would you have done?

Doran

:p Exactly the same thing, lol.

[True Blue]

I would've taken the break, too. If a kid is so worked up that they aren't able to work or listen by all means give them time to cool off. I need the same things sometimes. I don't always get it but I do better when I have time to calm down and readjust.

[PrairieAir]

Uh, yeah. That's how it would have gone down here, too. Except I think you're nicer and more patient.

When my 11yodd doesn't feel like doing school work or is frustrated, she likes to say everything in a whisper. I'll ask her to repeat her question and she mutters under her breath more. I ask her to say it so I can hear or I can't help and she mumbles. Eventually we get to the big lecture on how inconsiderate and disrespectful she is being to me by purposely doing this. (It isn't nice to make mommy want to put her head through the table darling.) Then she's a mess and we have to take a break. Except now she doesn't want to take a break, she wants to continue. But does it get better? No. Now she is mumbling and sobbing and still not getting anything. AAARGH! Sometimes I have to just get up and tell her I need a little break, that she'd better not disturb me for the next half hour, and that she would be wise to go take a little rest as well. Then I lock myself in my room and pretend I can't hear her. And I resist the temptation to kick and break things and throw my own little hissy fit.

Usually dd is such a sweet, compliant child, a real pleaser. 11yo is a tough age. Good thing I only have one more to get through it.

[Whisperlily]

:p Exactly the same thing, lol.


Me too! You have good instincts. :)

[Dana in OR]

my easy-to-melt 7-yo kid however chooses less opportune times to cave in, such as the benefit dinner I took the kids to last night. There was no way I was going to walk out on a $25 per plate dinner that I brought all the kids to - I was going to eat my steak if it killed me. So I just let her cry and get over it. By the way, the issue for her was that the band was too loud. She had no less than 3 meltdowns during the evening, from something as little as her sister looking at her the wrong way. Each time I let her work it out herself and at the end of the evening none of her "issues" was bothering her in the least. God help me when this kid is a teen.

[beansprouts]

What would you have done?


Honestly - I don't handle my dd's emotionalism well much of the time. I like the way you handled things, and have been taking notes.

[Daisy]

Yikes, my 8yo sounds like your 11yo. I was hoping mine was going to outgrow it. It would have gone down just like that at my house only 8yo would have run to her room and cried like her life was over. I would have told her (probably grumpily) that she had some time to get over it and then we'd start lessons up again. After 30 minutes, either she would be ready to do lessons and relatively over it OR I'd find her fast asleep b/c she really had been whiny and fussy b/c she was still dead from having had the flu earlier in the week. If she was asleep we'd skip the lessons. ;)

[Cadam]

I think you did just fine. My ds is 10 yo but although he is a boy we still have similar issues. I am not sure I would have lasted as long as you did.

[Doran]

You know...like http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/confused005.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org)

Not huh? (like "what are you talking about?) but hunh? (like shrug).

I really kind of expected a raft of replies telling me I was a big wuss, a royal pushover. Gee. Now I actually feel...well...kinda good...a teeny bit smart. Gee.

So, next I have to figure out how to "help" my 13 year old feel less conflicted about life, longing, sibling relations, the whole teen nine yards. Our house soooo fun right now. And chocolate isn't changing things. Whee. :rolleyes:

Doran

[Amy in Orlando]

I would have done (I HAVE done) the exact same thing. I've gone through this sort of thing with all of my older boys. ((()))

[Amy in Orlando]

You know...like http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/confused005.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org)

Not huh?So, next I have to figure out how to "help" my 13 year old feel less conflicted about life, longing, sibling relations, the whole teen nine yards. Our house soooo fun right now. And chocolate isn't changing things. Whee. :rolleyes:

Doran

Let me know if you figure that all out. In the meantime, you clearly do not have enough chocolate.:p

[Mrs Mungo]

Me too! You have good instincts. :)

Thirded (fourthed?)! My eldest is 12 and it's a hard age. I think you reacted perfectly, Doran much better than I do some days.

[Natalieclare]

My 11yods melts down with frequency at our house. He's recently started meds for adhd, and although his focus has improved, his emotional state has worsened. It's almost as if now that he can actually concentrate, he has no tolerance for mistakes, which he makes with regularity. Poor kid. The producing part of learning is so difficult for him. He would love it if all we did was sit around and read scientific information or history.

But we do have mechanics to cover and those really frustrate him. I have taken the uber patient approach, but now I am wondering if a periodic bout of muscling through things wouldn't actually strengthen him a bit. Would he see that he wouldn't DIE if we continued spelling through a tiz?Or is it simply futile to try to work in a hyped up emotional state?

I don't know.... I'm such a comforter; it's hard on me to watch him get discouraged. But I worry because I wonder if I don't push him a bit/stop "coddling" a tad, will he grow out of this? Or will he always expect the world to stop while he gets it together?

If you develop a foolproof technique, will you please let me know????

[Chris in VA]

Doran, I just wanted to say that I really appreciate your point of view on things.
Since the change of format, I've been on the boards a lot more than before. I think it's also our home situation with Sky right now--gives me a break from my life and lets me poke around in others. (That's probably bad, but oh well.)
I read everything you write. I really like the way you handle things, and I think you'd be a great friend.

I'm finding myself contending more with my soon to be 8 yodd. She's just so much less easy going than before. My suspicion is the ol' hormone thing is starting with her (she says she is getting stinky armpits--could this be a sign?), but sometimes I feel so disrespected. It's just tiny things. I'm hypersensitive because of the rift in Sky and our relationship (which is mending)--I won't allow very much "snark" from her. But then I read your calm, gentle, yet firm way of handling what needs to be handled, and I am encouraged. It is difficult to not take things personally, and to just get on with life, letting kids' feelings be their feelings, not overreacting, not seeing everything as an attack or rejection of my authority, not allowing their discomfort to become mine. I check to make sure I'm being reasonable, etc, and if I am, their problems are their problems.
You have really helped me. Thanks for all your input. You're a gem.

[Karen sn]

You guys are scaring me. Dd will be 11 this summer. Sometimes she'll cry and tell me she doesn't know why she is crying. This from a kid who as a baby/toddler/kid NEVER cried unless something was really wrong. Hormones....ugggh.

[Friederike in Persia]

who made their children cry:eek:
Not often, but it does happen.

Usually after a hug and a break everything is fine again;)

[Tracey in TX]

A hug (gritting my teeth the entire time) and time to "regroup"-5-10 min. Then we begin again. Often times my 11DS needs to know I'm sympathetic to his torture (??). When he calms down, the lesson goes smoothly. Other times he feels overwhelmed and requires my to regroup before I can continue on his level w/o blowing my cool.

So, I'd do the same thing as you.

[Sasharowan]

With my just turned 12ds, He usually ends up with reading time in his room while I work with the others and we try again later when we're both calmer. There is usually a period of stomping and yelling beforehand though, on both sides regretfully. We are working on that.