Help me think this through please!!

[DB in NJ]

Not sure if you remember, but here's my background in a nutshell:

My sister left in February to live with another man. She left her 2 kids: 13 (almost 14) dd and 7 yo ds. There are obvious learning/emotional/social differences with these kids, but she never had them diagnosed.

I have them 10 hours a day, 5 days a week. I asked my bil to let me find an evaluator so I can work more effectively with them because I don't know if what I'm doing is helping or hurting, improving or making matters worse. I don't know what's wrong with them!

Thanks to a previous thread on this board, I found the perfect evaluators. bil agreed to the evaluations. It took me FOREVER to work out the schedule with the evaluators (one for learning, one psychologist to test for possible asperger's and ADD/ADHD).

The first appointment was for my nephew. My bil cancelled it. He was supposed to call the evaluator to reschedule, but he hasn't. The appointment for the learning evaluation for my niece is this Saturday. I *know* he's gonna end up cancelling this one too. I just know it...

WHY??? What would make a father refuse to have his children evaluated? I even offered to take them to the appointments for him, but he wanted to be there, which I understand. He cancelled Monday because of "problems at work." The evaluator told me that he said he'd "call to reschedule once he gets his work schedule." He's had the same work schedule for the last 15 years.

I am so frustrated...

[chiguirre]

IMHO, he's just overwhelmed by having to face another crisis. Even if he knows something is wrong, he doesn't really have to confront that reality until he sees a dx in black and white. It's easy to take comfort when things go well and hope that you're exagerating the problems you've seen.

I'm not sure there's much you can do unless you refuse to hs them without an evaluation. If they go to ps, the process can take a long time but if they have noticeable issues, they will be evaluated eventually. A parent can request testing immediately with or without enrolling, so this is an option if money is an issue.

You're in a tough position, I hope you come to a decision you're comfortable with.

[Stacy in NJ]

You could refuse to continue homeschooling the children unless they complete the evaluation. You could tell him that you're not comfortable "flying blind", that you need the evaulations to properly educated them, that you can't continue without them. You could also tell him that if they attend a public or private school they would undoubtedly be tested there.

Perhaps this could be an emply threat, but it might be a useful leverage tool.

It sounds like a sad and difficult situation. All the best to you and them.

[Laurie4b]

IMHO, he's just overwhelmed by having to face another crisis. Even if he knows something is wrong, he doesn't really have to confront that reality until he sees a dx in black and white. It's easy to take comfort when things go well and hope that you're exagerating the problems you've seen.

.

I agree this is probably the issue--fear, being dealt with by denial. So approach him gently and supportively--" I thought we were in agreement, but since you cancelled, I'm wondering if there are things about the evaluation that concern you..." and let him talk, and listen. Identify with the fears, but gently lead him past those if possible. He may also be afraid that he's going to get blamed for something.

I would reiterate your being uncomfortable with flying blind and that these kinds of evaluations aren't about digging into a child's past.

[DB in NJ]

thanks guys. I'm really thankful for your input and support. It means so much to me right now!

:grouphug:

[Verity]

Having dealt with some issues with my neice and nephew I would only caution to not make a threat unless you are ready to follow through and live with the results. Only you know how he would react - is he more passive or more reactive? Are you unable to homeschool them without the diagnosis?

With little doubt it would be in the children's best interest to get an evaluation but there are alot of different reasons why your bil is unwilling to go through with it at this point. To be honest, if it were up to my dh he would probably continue brushing my kids issues under the rug because he feels so overwhelmed by them. He feels that they are a reflection on him (either as a parent or a genetic donor or both) and he is very concerned about the limitations that our boys may face as adults with learning disabilities/HFA. We have talked through this and he knows that he is dealing with an emotional reaction that isn't necessarily grounded in reality or helpful.

In your bil's case it sounds like his life has been turned upside down and he may be very apprehensive to face anything else right now. I would try gently to lead him to putting the kids needs' first but I wouldn't threaten unless I was prepared to deal with those consequences.

To encourage you: in the public school's teachers have students sometimes all year and never get the parents to agree to evaluations. They can still use observation and various approaches to teach the children. It is very challenging, but doable.

:grouphug: Hugs to you!! I know you are trying to do what is best in a pretty awful situation. I hope things resolve for you soon!

[DB in NJ]

Yes, I suppose I can still homeschool them without an evaluation, but it sure would make life easier to know exactly WHAT I'm dealing with!

Thanks for the encouragement, ladies. I really appreciate it!

:grouphug:

[Verity]

I really do empathize. In my situation I have three kids with a grab bag of disabilities, mostly undiagnosed but not for lack of trying. So I guess I haven't found the medical community to be much help. Instead I look at the boys specific issues and seek out something to address. Forums like these are great for that - lots of parents/teachers with lots of experience. :001_smile:

[DB in NJ]

You have really given me a lot to think about. I've been frustrated and irritated when I need to be understanding and compassionate and empathetic.

These are his children, after all, not mine. While he has delegated their teaching to me, he has not delegated their total care. That's still his cross to bear, not mine.

So, I'll be putting that one down, leaving it where it belongs. If it's to be, it'll be. If not, so be it. I can only work with what I've been given. I have 12 years of homeschooling experience to draw from, plus input from others whose children are similar to my niece and nephew. And for now, that just has to be enough.

For the sake of my sanity and the overall well-being of my entire household, I'm letting this go. When I'm miserable, they're miserable. I don't want to spend the rest of my summer being miserable or making everyone else that way. This situation has overwhelmed me since February, and it has stolen enough of our joy. ENOUGH!

So, on we go. I tried, and maybe eventually he'll see that this would be a good thing. Regardless, I can still be effective and helpful, albeit in a more limited way.

Thanks again, ladies!! You have no idea how helpful you've been! :grouphug:

[newbie]

You have really given me a lot to think about. I've been frustrated and irritated when I need to be understanding and compassionate and empathetic.

These are his children, after all, not mine. While he has delegated their teaching to me, he has not delegated their total care. That's still his cross to bear, not mine.

So, I'll be putting that one down, leaving it where it belongs. If it's to be, it'll be. If not, so be it. I can only work with what I've been given. I have 12 years of homeschooling experience to draw from, plus input from others whose children are similar to my niece and nephew. And for now, that just has to be enough.

For the sake of my sanity and the overall well-being of my entire household, I'm letting this go. When I'm miserable, they're miserable. I don't want to spend the rest of my summer being miserable or making everyone else that way. This situation has overwhelmed me since February, and it has stolen enough of our joy. ENOUGH!

So, on we go. I tried, and maybe eventually he'll see that this would be a good thing. Regardless, I can still be effective and helpful, albeit in a more limited way.

Thanks again, ladies!! You have no idea how helpful you've been! :grouphug:

I totally know where you are coming from, I have been advocating for my niece for many yrs. now. Although I could not hs her, I put her in private school.

What is funny, is I had kind of the same thing happen today. I have been working on transition mtg. for my niece w/the ps dist for months. Everyone is too busy to complete a mtg. so it is being dragged out. Anyhow, I call my sis to make sure I can get on the same pp w/her.

The last mtg. they wanted niece to have more community interaction, so Adult School or cc was suggested. I said good idea, she can be w/older people since she is 21. Well , I forwarded all the info to mom. It was just an art class once a wk at an adult center. DN loves art. So no prob. Mom says too much overload for her. What?! That is crazy, mom is too lazy to take her. She is happy w/her sitting in her bedroom every day after she comes home from school.

I told her I cant keep fighting the dist. and her. She told me her kid cannot learn anymore, she is not mentally capable. I, of course gave her all kinds of research and told her what she needed. Mind you, I cant take her, so my hands are tied. And I keep falling into this trap. On top of that I have this meeting tomorrow to beg and plea for services for a kid that I know can benefit and noone to support me. Where are the advocates for us advocates?????There are support groups for kids and parents but what about us, like Alanon. Hmmmm, maybe I need to start one.

Okay, enough rambling, sorry. It just struck a nerve. You just want to shake them. I wish I could learn to let go as easy.

Anyhow, a million hugs.
Jet

[TraceyS/FL]

Jet - does the adult center have any type of bussing? Would the school take her there after school instead of home?

:grouphug:

[newbie]

Jet - does the adult center have any type of bussing? Would the school take her there after school instead of home?

:grouphug:
No, we talked today about it. Her new transition teacher and I both agree this is a needed item. So if mom will not take her, she is going to look into other options. Perhaps a mentor to take her on public bus to and from. But its evening, so that is tough.

Its just her mom, I have tried for years to get her to take her to jobs and she wont. Anything that messes w/her schedule is a no. Blech. She is so hard to deal w/.

I had a 3.5 hr mtg today and won all my goals.Doing the happy dance. Sis said she would call today about 2, its 7. What normal parent does not want to know what happened in their childs IEP/ITP. :glare:

I could go on and on about the joys of aunt advocacy, but it takes just one lil hurdle like today's mtg. and makes it worthwhile.

[DB in NJ]

No, we talked today about it. Her new transition teacher and I both agree this is a needed item. So if mom will not take her, she is going to look into other options. Perhaps a mentor to take her on public bus to and from. But its evening, so that is tough.

Its just her mom, I have tried for years to get her to take her to jobs and she wont. Anything that messes w/her schedule is a no. Blech. She is so hard to deal w/.

I had a 3.5 hr mtg today and won all my goals.Doing the happy dance. Sis said she would call today about 2, its 7. What normal parent does not want to know what happened in their childs IEP/ITP. :glare:

I could go on and on about the joys of aunt advocacy, but it takes just one lil hurdle like today's mtg. and makes it worthwhile.

I think you're awesome.

[LizzyBee]

Donna,

I know you'd rather have the professional evaluation (and I agree with you), but this book and website have been very helpful to me and perhaps they'd help you too. www.mislabeledchild.com and The Mislabeled Child by Brock and Fernette Eide

The Eide's are medical doctors who homeschooled their own kids for a few years, and the book offers a nice balance of theory and practical ideas, right down to specific curriculum recommendations.

:grouphug:

[DB in NJ]

Donna,

I know you'd rather have the professional evaluation (and I agree with you), but this book and website have been very helpful to me and perhaps they'd help you too. www.mislabeledchild.com and The Mislabeled Child by Brock and Fernette Eide

The Eide's are medical doctors who homeschooled their own kids for a few years, and the book offers a nice balance of theory and practical ideas, right down to specific curriculum recommendations.

:grouphug:

This looks awesome, and our library has it! Thank you :D

[newbie]

I think you're awesome.

Thanks, but you are doing so much more by homeschooling them. Keep up the work, and dont give in.

Since you are starting way earlier, you have a much brighter road. You know, my niece and your nieces may never thank us, but I think God is smiling a lil bit more knowing we are there.

Blessings.

[DB in NJ]

The appointment for the learning evaluation for my niece is this Saturday. I *know* he's gonna end up cancelling this one too. I just know it...



Welp, I was right. Her appointment was at 10:00 this morning, about 30 minutes away from bil's house. dd and I were in bil's neighborhood this morning, getting a pedicure :D We drove past his house at 9:50, and his car was there in the driveway. So he didn't take my niece to her 10:00 appointment.

*sigh* By not being open and honest and up-front with me, he has made this a very awkward situation! I certainly would've preferred if he had just said something like, "Hey, about those appointments. I changed my mind. I'm just not ready/don't want to/whatever." Fine. I would disagree with him, but at least be man enough to be honest with me!

Whatever. They're his kids, although they're in my care for 50 hours a week!

I did go to the library and get the Mislabeled Child along with some other books on learning disabilities, etc. Life would've been so much easier with an expert to help.

I'm very sad tonight.

[PollyOR]

:grouphug:

[TraceyS/FL]

:grouphug:

[newbie]

Welp, I was right. Her appointment was at 10:00 this morning, about 30 minutes away from bil's house. dd and I were in bil's neighborhood this morning, getting a pedicure :D We drove past his house at 9:50, and his car was there in the driveway. So he didn't take my niece to her 10:00 appointment.

*sigh* By not being open and honest and up-front with me, he has made this a very awkward situation! I certainly would've preferred if he had just said something like, "Hey, about those appointments. I changed my mind. I'm just not ready/don't want to/whatever." Fine. I would disagree with him, but at least be man enough to be honest with me!

Whatever. They're his kids, although they're in my care for 50 hours a week!

I did go to the library and get the Mislabeled Child along with some other books on learning disabilities, etc. Life would've been so much easier with an expert to help.

I'm very sad tonight.

It must be in the stars, what is wrong w/these parents. HOw can they not care for their children, especially when you are bearing half the burden.

I am so sorry, I am pulling my hair out, and have a pretty rash on my face. Darn sis.

I totally know where you are coming from. The school basically has told me my dn, would be better off in a group home, since the parent is not cooperating, she would get more needed help. That is horrible.

Lots of hugs and tomorrow is a brand new day.

[TraceyS/FL]

One thing i wanted to add is i think it is very hard to deal with (and not just for men).

I've had my "mourning"period over DD's issues. I've had a good grasp of them for years and have dealt with them as needed. The private insurance we have had wouldn't have covered what she needed - frankly, going on the states insurance is the thing she needed to get services.

So while i have known that, apparently STBXH didn't realize and wasn't listening to me all these years. His (and his families) first response is, "it's your fault, she'd be ahead if she'd been in public school". Well, not really - because she wouldn't be getting the services she really needs there. That isn't the public school's JOB. I can only hope they are getting it now that we have a string of initials hanging after her name...

So what i'm really saying is that he might not have had a clue, and now he's going thru the mourning period. The one book i have talks about that part of the special needs equation. He might be ready for the diagnosis part in the future.

:grouphug:

And Jet - i'm saddened every time i hear your sis isn't doing anything for your DN. DD has similar issues in the the APD area, and heck, the Dev Ped thru out the MR label the other day. She's NOT, just takes her longer to learn and I know what i've been able to do here at home has made huge progress with her. It's not a race in her case - it's about actually getting the info into the brain, when the brain is ready.

More :grouphug: to everyone that deals with this....