Army Wives: Can I ask you something?

[nestof3]

Our 17 year old son really wants to go to a local college on an ROTC scholarship to serve in the Army. He is only going to college to enter as an officer, meaning, he is not using the Army as a way to get educational benefits. He is (and has been for years) very interested in all things military. It's part of who he is, and though he considered having a family business as my husband does, and kept putting away these military thoughts, it seems he has come to a point where he cannot deny his career desires anymore. He really wants our blessing on this matter.

I hate to sound dramatic about this, but he has always talked about marrying, having children, and homeschooling and such, and my husband and I are just concerned because military life seems like it would be so difficult on both the men who are gone and their families who stay behind.

Can you offer me some insight into your homeschooling lives? Has the military made it difficult to maintain Christian principles?

[Sebastian (a lady)]

I hate to sound dramatic about this, but he has always talked about marrying, having children, and homeschooling and such, and my husband and I are just concerned because military life seems like it would be so difficult on both the men who are gone and their families who stay behind.

Can you offer me some insight into your homeschooling lives? Has the military made it difficult to maintain Christian principles?

Like much of life, it is what you make it. I would say that my Christian growth has largely be because of the example of many great Christian officers, both active and retired. That is at least in part because my military training was so hard that it was clear that I needed to lean on my faith. If I had gone through a college that was easier, I would possibly have felt more comfortable leaning on my own ability to handle things.

It can be very difficult. DH and I have not had a long deployment since we've had kids. But we spent our courtship years several hours apart and also were separated for the first nine months of our marriage. It is very important to chose a spouse on this journey carefully. Most of the Navy wives I know are incredible ladies. But there is also a considerable divorce rate (I've never learned if it is really higher than the civilian rate. It is probably no lower.)

It is a very different life than my friends from high school. Fresh out of college, I had 25 guys working for me and if my equipment didn't work, the ship did not get underway. It is hard work and is far from being 9-5. It can be unpredictable. Dh called me a few weeks ago and asked how I felt about moving two years early to another overseas base. I have lost several friends, in both training accidents and in combat. DH was in the Pentagon when it was attacked and several guys in his office did not come home. We have a constant rotation of friends and classmates who are overseas in combat locations.

On the other hand, there is a real sense of accomplishment. A sense that the work matters on the grand scale.

And while we've had to move a lot recently, we were stationed in Europe for three years. My kids studied Greece and visited Athens, studied Rome and visited Pompeii and Rome and Ostia, studied the middle ages and got royally sick of visiting castles and cathedrals. They have walked WWI and WWII and Napoleonic battlefields. Our next big adventure will be in Asia. Homeschooling has been a fantastic fit for our lifestyle and is probably more popular amongst military families than in the general population. Some bases have more than 10% of the kids homeschooled.

Our church has a large military membership, being near a Marine Corps base and within driving distance of several other bases. There are also groups like Officers' Christian Fellowship (http://ocf.gospelcom.net/)which serve military Christians. Some large ROTC units have an OCF Bible study. There are also occasional ROTC conferences at their retreat centers in Colorado and Pennsylvania. If there isn't an OCF group, Navigators, FCA, Campus Crusade and other groups are a great resource for on campus Christians.

I hope this helps. I believe the military has helped me to be a person of stronger character than I might have been if I'd gone elsewhere. I'd be happy to answer more specific questions if a non-Army viewpoint is ok.

[Whisperlily]

My husband joined the Army after we were married and had 3 of our 4 children. He joined for the very reasons you're describing. The truth is, he was born to be a soldier. He loves the job he does for the Army, and he thrives on the structure and principles. He is absolutely thriving, and I can't imagine him *not* being in the Army.

We had to take into consideration the family aspect in a way that many young recruits do not. In our case, DH had to follow his calling. The Army way of life is a different way of life than most people are used to, but it is not a bad way of life. It's hard for people to think in terms they're not used to.

We knew that it was likely that there would be a wartime deployment. That is part of his duty, and was taken into consideration when he joined. All I can say is that we both prayed a lot, and we felt that God was truly calling him to military service. He didn't get the job he wanted in the beginning. There were several roadblocks along the way and we started wondering if we were wrong about what we felt God was asking us to do. Each roadblock brought a turn in the path, and we ended up in a much better position and new opportunities presented themselves. God put us exactly where he wanted us, and we see the blessings because it went *His* way instead of the way we thought it was supposed to go.

One of the major issues people imagine when a husband, son, or relative joins the military is... what if they die? We feel that God already knows the hour of DH's death. He had it in his plan from the beginning. Our job is to follow his leading. He will not lead us where he doesn't want us to go.

It IS hard on families when the soldier is gone. Having just finished a 15 month deployment, it's fresh in my mind. But we believe that what he is doing is what he's called to do. It is part of the job. I don't like having him gone. I miss him like crazy, the kids miss him, and it is difficult. We do remember, however that we put DH in God's hands, where better could he be? It was also a major growing time for each of us as people. Spiritually, emotionally, and personally we all changed and grew. Again, God had a reason.

You ask if it is hard to maintain Christian principles? There is a very large Christian military community. I think that often, when things get stressful, and with the military way of life that people do turn to God to help them through the hard times. People are people wherever you go, and the choices we make are our own. The Army does have "Army Values" and demands a level of respect and courtesy while on the job in a way that other careers cannot. They do have high standards, in general. Off-duty, people do make their own choices as with any other job. (although they can be held accountable at the workplace, for certain things, unlike civilian employers.)

Homeschooling seems to be very popular in the military, partly because we move so much. The kids get more continuity in their education than if they are put in and out of different schools. Of course, you have to take into consideration that his future wife may not have the same homeschooling desire, or she may not be cut out for it. His family life may turn out to be quite different than the one you imagine he wants at this time.

The military way of life is not for everyone. Thankfully it's not a lifetime decision, and if the Army doesn't work out for your DS as a lifelong career, he's still going to come away from the experience with a lot of valuable skills, personal growth, and other benefits.

If he *really* feels like God is calling him, and you feel the same way (even if you don't enjoy the prospect), who are we to stand in the way?

[Jan P.]

Sebastion,

I'm a retired naval officer's wife. Fortunately I only went through one deployment with my dh, and my only child at that time was 18 months old. I do think it would have been harder for me if I was homeschooling all three of my children, but I still think I would do it. I would have to be diligent to seek outside help when I needed it. I did that anyway with my toddler. Everyone in my church helped me out on many occassions. I never lacked for a baby sitter.

Now, there have been times when the my dh was faced with CO's who were more concerned with making people jump through their hoops even if it meant sacrificing certain principles. I was always proud that my dh always took the straight and true path even if it meant going against the grain. My dh was a supply corp officer and he always handled his work with the utmost integrity. I can see where your ds might meet difficulties with those he works with at times. My dh probably lost certain promotions for the stands he took.

I'll be honest. My dc always found it hard each time we had to move. I'll never forget when we moved from PA to FL. My ds was almost devestated. He went through quite a time of depression, but then he was able to meet some great guys at our church. Since we retired we had to move again. The girls and my son sorely miss their friends in FL.

I will say that we got to see so much of our country compared to if we had lived all our lives in one spot. I've lived in Charleston, SC area; Monterey, CA; Jacksonville, FL; and now back to SC. We never lived overseas (unlike the Army folks) because dh's Supply Corp billets were all in the U.S. except for his two deployments (only on a ship -- without dw).

[Mary in NJ]

The military lifestyle and homeschooling are a good fit for our family.

My husband was an infantry officer for a number of years and got out of the Army. He went to seminary and became a pastor. After awhile, he was contacted and asked to consider re-entering the Army, this time as a Chaplain. We have seen the Army on both sides. There are a number of Christian families raising and homeschooling their children. Since we move frequently, it allows our children to see areas that they never would have experienced before. During our study of the middle ages, we visited the area where Martin Luther lived and worked during the Reformation. They have seen Roman ruins, castles, learned to ski in the Alps, sat in the courtroom where the Nurnberg trials were held. I could go on and on. Homeschooling while serving in the military can be a good fit for the whole family.

On a side note, one of my boys made an observation. He told us that if we would just "buy" a house, that we wouldn't have to move anymore. He noticed that his cousins, aunts and grandparents always live in the same house and never move. Since we "rent", that is reason we move all the time;)

Overall, I would say that we are used to moving. My husband and I make an effort to get our children involved right away in the organizations that they have interests, ie, ballet, fencing, scouts, music lessons. I seek out a homeschool group so that I can join in on park days, field trips, mom's meetings, etc.

We are gearing up for another move in 3 months. If only we had bought a house!

If your son has any specific questions, feel free to have him contact me by PM. My husband said he would be happy to answer any of his questions.

Joyfully,
Mary

[TXMomof4]

My husband joined the Army after we were married and had 3 of our 4 children. He joined for the very reasons you're describing. The truth is, he was born to be a soldier. He loves the job he does for the Army, and he thrives on the structure and principles. He is absolutely thriving, and I can't imagine him *not* being in the Army.

We had to take into consideration the family aspect in a way that many young recruits do not. In our case, DH had to follow his calling. The Army way of life is a different way of life than most people are used to, but it is not a bad way of life. It's hard for people to think in terms they're not used to.

We knew that it was likely that there would be a wartime deployment. That is part of his duty, and was taken into consideration when he joined. All I can say is that we both prayed a lot, and we felt that God was truly calling him to military service. He didn't get the job he wanted in the beginning. There were several roadblocks along the way and we started wondering if we were wrong about what we felt God was asking us to do. Each roadblock brought a turn in the path, and we ended up in a much better position and new opportunities presented themselves. God put us exactly where he wanted us, and we see the blessings because it went *His* way instead of the way we thought it was supposed to go.



EXACTLY what she said. That's funny, we had 3 of my 4 before DH joined, my 4th was born while he was deployed.

As far as how it works with a family, I think the personality of the wife has SO much to do with it. You can either choose to handle it, or not. DH is National Guard and it's so hard because, for a lot of the women, they signed up for weekend drill, they didn't plan on 'real deployment'. Now the NG is being deployed every other year in many cases and these guys (and families) aren't in the 'Army' mindset. They are leaving behind careers and situations that were never intended to be left for more than a year at a time. That is terribly difficult for everyone involved. But, I wouldn't trade it for the world. DH is thriving in his role, he is loves what he is doing, and it makes for a happier life for all of us, even if he has to be gone.

We also both feel God has led us to this position. Things have always worked for the best even if it wasn't what we would choose on our own. I have seen blessings that I never would have known if we hadn't decided to follow God's direction and I can't imagine my life any other way now.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Our 17 year old son really wants to go to a local college on an ROTC scholarship to serve in the Army. He is only going to college to enter as an officer, meaning, he is not using the Army as a way to get educational benefits. He is (and has been for years) very interested in all things military. It's part of who he is, and though he considered having a family business as my husband does, and kept putting away these military thoughts, it seems he has come to a point where he cannot deny his career desires anymore. He really wants our blessing on this matter.

I hate to sound dramatic about this, but he has always talked about marrying, having children, and homeschooling and such, and my husband and I are just concerned because military life seems like it would be so difficult on both the men who are gone and their families who stay behind.

Can you offer me some insight into your homeschooling lives? Has the military made it difficult to maintain Christian principles?

Just an anecdote about faith and military life -- My dh, who was not silent about his faith yet not in-your-face in any way, was working a stint at the Pentagon. One day I sent a plate of brownies -- some decadent concoction or other -- to work with him, and of course he shared them around.

Around 10 am, the colonel (his first level boss) bursts out of his office and heads to dh's desk and barks, "Burdett! I thought you were a Christian!"

Dh, just sits there, dumbfounded. "Um, yes sir. Is something wrong?"

The colonel waves a brownie in his face and says, "I'm not so sure about that. These things are SINFUL!" Then he turns on his heel, walks back to his office, and slams the door.

We still laugh about that guy.

---

It's much easier to be a vocal person of faith in the military than it is to let it be known, even quietly, that on is, for example, an agnostic. And basic, common moral values of family, respect, integrity, perseverance, hard work, etc. are certainly reinforced and expected. (Not always achieved, but certainly if one holds oneself or one's soldiers to those standards, the NCO or officer will not be opposed in doing so.)

[asher]

We are a hs'ing, military family, too. I agree with the PPs that the Army can actually be a great influence in developing one's character and relationship with God. I don't think, had I married someone close to home and had my family there 24/7, that I would have developed some of the characteristics I have. This is sometimes a very challenging life, all the more to depend on our Lord. I have seen dh's values challenged, but I've also seen him grow incredibly in his relationship with God as a result of the challenges of Army life. I agree w. the PPs that choosing a spouse that can handle all the ups and downs of this lifestyle is really important, although I'm not so sure you can be prepared for it until you're doing it (kind of like parenting ;)).

[Mrs Mungo]

Our 17 year old son really wants to go to a local college on an ROTC scholarship to serve in the Army. He is only going to college to enter as an officer, meaning, he is not using the Army as a way to get educational benefits. He is (and has been for years) very interested in all things military. It's part of who he is, and though he considered having a family business as my husband does, and kept putting away these military thoughts, it seems he has come to a point where he cannot deny his career desires anymore. He really wants our blessing on this matter.

I hate to sound dramatic about this, but he has always talked about marrying, having children, and homeschooling and such, and my husband and I are just concerned because military life seems like it would be so difficult on both the men who are gone and their families who stay behind.

Can you offer me some insight into your homeschooling lives? Has the military made it difficult to maintain Christian principles?

I'm going to answer this without reading the other posts because I don't want anything else to color what I want to say here.

My husband attended a military school for high school and attended the same school through an accelerated ROTC program with a scholarship. He received his commission as a 2LT with his AA and then transferred to a university where he finished his 4 year degree and served in the National Guard. We met while he was finishing his degree. I knew going into the marriage that he wanted to be an Army officer. However, it was also "before" (as we call it in our family)-before the embassy bombings, before 9/11, before any what followed.

My hubby came on active duty during the time when the Army was downsizing. They were paying LTs to be released from active duty. However, he stuck with it, it's what he wanted. He has excelled in the military. His soldiers have *always* loved him. His superiors have usually respected him if not loved him. There have been politics and personality conflicts along the way (both for him *and* for me). The thing with the Army is (and this isn't as true with the other services): it's a joint venture. When he chooses a bride he must choose someone strong, independent and with an adventurous streak. She needs to be able to bloom where she is planted, as does he.

Is it hard being left behind? Absolutely. We've been through two combat deployments and it's never easy.

First, the minor. Homeschooling adds to the difficulty in that it makes it hard to get certain things accomplished-it's hard for me to make doctor appointments for myself, for example. I have to work hard to get the kids and I out of the house regularly, in touch with friends so that we have a good social outlet and support network. This is vital. I was something of an introvert when we married and I've had to force myself to learn to be an extrovert. Now, it seems natural but it didn't in the beginning, it was hard.

Next, the medium stuff. It's hard playing mom and dad. I know single moms have it rough but it least they usually have family nearby. We've never lived remotely close to family. We've had to make our own family of friends everywhere we've lived. It's hard waiting on him to call, sometimes missing that call, etc. It's hard on my husband being away from the kids, missing Christmas, birthdays, the loss of a first tooth. But they also get a pretty decent amount of time off when they're home and they appreciate the time with their families as so few men seem to do. It's hard being in limbo a lot of the time-maybe this unit is shutting down, maybe it's not, maybe we're going here, maybe we're going there...it's something you must learn to accept and realize you won't *know* what's going to happen until it happens.

Now, the hard stuff. Like I said, we've been through two combat deployments. The fear of death or injury is always there. We have had friends killed in action. I've held their widows in my arms. I know how real it is. I've had my heart *stop* because while watching the news I found out one of "our guys" was killed. Then it's a waiting game. They don't notify spouses in the middle of the night, they wait until morning. I've actually cleaned my house just in case. I've had friends who kept an all night vigil on the phone. I've received emails during those times that said nothing but "all is well." I then knew my husband was OK but then I'd have to worry and pray for the other soldiers and spouses.

Is it hard to maintain Christian principles? The military is a conservative place. There are high standards for your behavior. Your personal life is the business of the military like it is in *no* other job. I don't think my husband has had to take a stand on his principles any more often than he would have had to in a corporate job. There are pitfalls everywhere and people who want to take the easy road everywhere. People have come to respect the fact that my husband doesn't compromise, when in command he's had his pick of soldiers for exactly that reason.

[Laura in VA]

I am a military (Marine Corps) wife and I believe you've received an accurate glimpse into military homeschooling families. It's so wonderful that you are concerned about the challenges involved with the calling your son feels he is lead to follow. I just want to encourage you to remember that if your son feels God is leading him down this path, then God will provide everything your son needs. I know it's hard not to worry about the things you mentioned because they can be, and often are, obstacles difficult to overcome. If someone had told me twenty-some years ago that I would one day be married to a military man I would have told them they were crazy. But God had different plans and He knows what He's doing! He's so faithful and loving that even through the most trying circumstances I know He is taking care of us. And He will take care of your son and his family as well! :)

[Sue in TX]

Dawn,

Having served as a commissioned officer in the Army for nearly 8 yrs and marrying a man who also served as an officer in the Army for more than 10 years, I would encourage you to give your blessing to your son's desire to serve our country in the military. Military service can make family life difficult, but it is always possible. For my husband & I, we chose not to start our family until we had both left military service. That was a good decision for us, but many others choose to make it a career and it works for them. FWIW, I thought that I would stay in the Army for 20 years or more- but once I was married, I knew that I wanted to get out of the Army to start a family... That said, I am thankful for the opportunity to serve in the military and I treasure my experiences. Whatever your son decides, he won't be committed to military service for the rest of his life, but he can make that decision over time. My best to you and your son.
Sue

[Amanda's Mommy]

[quote=TXMomof4;91665]
As far as how it works with a family, I think the personality of the wife has SO much to do with it. You can either choose to handle it, or not. DH is National Guard and it's so hard because, for a lot of the women, they signed up for weekend drill, they didn't plan on 'real deployment'. Now the NG is being deployed every other year in many cases and these guys (and families) aren't in the 'Army' mindset. They are leaving behind careers and situations that were never intended to be left for more than a year at a time. That is terribly difficult for everyone involved. But, I wouldn't trade it for the world. DH is thriving in his role, he is loves what he is doing, and it makes for a happier life for all of us, even if he has to be gone.

quote]

DH is Air National Guard. He joined in 1996 after being out of the Air Force for 10 years. The first few years were easy. Then in 2000 he went to the sandbox. Then on 9/11 got activated (his unit was in Vermont and was the first one flying defense over NY). 1 week later I found out I was pregnant. Our home was in NH, I only saw him every other weekend for 14 months. He had only been at his new job 3 days on 9/11. When he got back it was to a different job in the company, not what he wanted.

I got laid off from my job the day I went back after maternity leave. We now had no love for corporate America and DH decided to go into the ANG full time. At least he now had job security. But it meant moving away from my family in MA to OR.

DH is thriving in his role, he loves what he is doing, and it makes for a happier life for all of us, even if he has to be gone. Like TXMomof4 said you either handle it or not.

I choose to handle it one day at a time.

[nestof3]

Thank you so very much for such great responses. I am going over them, and they are really helping me.