Parents of athletes, serious musicians, etc.

[plansrme]

If you are a parent of a serious athlete, musician, dancer, etc., especially if your child has pursued or will pursue her sport in college or instead of college (perhaps in the case of a professional dancer), would you mind sharing if you have any regrets about the time you and your child put into this activity? At the end of it all, do either of you look back and wish you'd just spent more time in front of the TV (I don't mean that literally, of course) or pursuing a more typical range of extracurricular activities?

My oldest are 11 and 9, but they are both extremely involved in their sports. My 9 yo and we are contemplating having her enter a much more serious level in her sport, and I'd like some perspective from someone at the other end of this journey, while we still have time to encourage them to diversify.

Thanks for any input,
Terri

[Robin in DFW]

My dd16 plays competitive soccer. It is expensive, time consuming and the politics is insane...BUT, my dd is very disciplined, takes pride in doing a good job, enjoys hard work and loves the competition. I think it has made her a stronger person that understands the importance of dedication. She has had several serious injuries and works her fanny off to come back from them doing extra training and such. I think this discipline has made her a more independent, driven student as well. She does her work everyday without much interference from me. She gets everything done, doesn't complain and is organized.

I don't think being involved in a serious sport has hurt her one bit...she's been doing it since she was 5 and it's a way of life...at this point, I don't know what she'd do if she DIDN'T play soccer!!!

ETA: My dd does other things, too...she is quite an avid photographer, loves classic literature, plays electric guitar, loves video games and is passionate about animals...she also does things with girls from her club team as well as plays on a homeschool team and has friends there...but given a choice...she would give up other things to do soccer...she will almost certainly play in college as she has had coaches already express interest.

Great topic,
Robin

[kmacnchs]

I can't answer to going into something professionally but I played volleyball year-round in highschool in order to get a scholarship to play at college. I was offered said scholarship and played in college but I instead accepted an academic scholarship. Let me say I am glad I did!

It allows you so much more freedom just in case you get hurt or (in my case) decide to graduate early...just my two cents.

But I LOVED playing VB year round and would not have changed that!

[Janet in Toronto]

My older son just graduated from high school and is heading to university in the fall. He was a runner all through high school....cross country in the fall and track in the spring. He ran on his own or with a club in the summers. Because of practices every day after school and long runs on the weekends, he didn't get involved in other extracurriculars much, and I regret that for him.

He was planning to run next year when he's away at school, but this summer he decided that he wanted to get involved in a more diverse set of activities (intra-mural sports, music, etc), so I sense at least some regret on his part as well. Of my two sons, he has a much narrower range of activities/interests.

[Abkjw01]

Not one minute of regret. My dd (almost 13) is a competitive dancer. She's been dancing since she's 3 and competing since she's 7. The experiences she (and we've had as a whole family) has had is beyond superior. She's danced at major venues (Mad Sq Gdn, Radio City, Arthur Ashe Stadium, IZOD Center, Six Flags, etc), has gotten classes and kudos from famous dancers and choreographers, and is so passionate about it all, that I can't help but know this all has been worth it. She will be auditioning for a performing arts high school here in NYC this year and has lots of long-term goals in this field.

Yeah, we've spent a fortune on lessons, costumes, entry fees, hotels, shoes, tights, makeup, hair accessories, rhinestones, travel, private choreography, and now even vocal lessons. Dh and I don't mind a bit - we enjoy it with her. As far as missing out on other activities, she's had opportunities to pursue other things, but never had the interest. My oldest dd (15) was the one who preferred to try it all throughout the years (gymnastics, dance, aikido, guitar, cooking, etc) and now wishes she had stuck with one thing so she'd be great at it now.

[AnitaMcC]

If you are a parent of a serious athlete, musician, dancer, etc., especially if your child has pursued or will pursue her sport in college or instead of college (perhaps in the case of a professional dancer), would you mind sharing if you have any regrets about the time you and your child put into this activity? At the end of it all, do either of you look back and wish you'd just spent more time in front of the TV (I don't mean that literally, of course) or pursuing a more typical range of extracurricular activities?

My oldest are 11 and 9, but they are both extremely involved in their sports. My 9 yo and we are contemplating having her enter a much more serious level in her sport, and I'd like some perspective from someone at the other end of this journey, while we still have time to encourage them to diversify.


Thanks for any input,
Terri

I think it depends on the child. I do feel that a parent needs to let the child guide them on how much and how intense to do the sport or music, etc. It will not work out if the child doesn't truly enjoy/love what they are doing.

My 14yr old Dd loves Kung Fu and music. She was on the Kung Fu competition team and she was working on average 15-20 hours a week on it. She went to several tournaments and earned to compete at AAU Nationals in Fl and for the Jr Olympics in Iowa. She was not enjoying the sparring competitions though she loves the forms and weapons competitions. And since the competition team focus was the sparring (which she enjoys doing... just not LOVES it), she decided she didn't want to continue with the tournaments that only involve sparring. So she dropped from the team but will continue with the Karate tournaments (that include forms and weapons with the sparring) but not the TaeKwonDo tournaments (sparring only).

A part of me wanted to push her to continue with the competition team. She is very good and everyone say she has a natural talent. But I didn't want to force her and risk her loosing her love it Kung Fu. She is so much happier and she still works out about 10-15 hours a week. She has a bit more time to work on her other love... music.

No regrets here. She is very happy and she will continue competing her way. She also plans to start performing in her music. When she starts... we will go with her flow-LOL.

[Sandra in NC]

I had a friend who asked me to ask my husband to talk her son out of wanting to major in piano performance. My husband plays in local bands on a volunteer/hobby basis, but draws a salary from computer programming (self-taught). He has a Bachelors in Music Ed.

Anyway my husband was appalled at the request, "I would NEVER try to talk him out of it. I don't regret majoring in music at all-- it's part of who I am."

Follow your passions.

Sandra

[plansrme]

I appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences. I'm actually surprised that the response has been resounding "no, we wouldn't change anythin." I've gotten local input on my younger daughter's impending ramp-up in difficulty in her sport, and that's also been unanimous that this is the right thing for her. I'll catch up on my housework when they're in college, right???

Terri

[Paz]

I appreciate the fact that my kids were able to pursue their passions. The only downside is that both of my kids' sports were pretty much year round so they did miss out on other activities. This summer dd took a break from softball and it was a great experience. She learned to golf, she read 23 books, and we hosted 2 Italian exchange students. My advice would be that there is great pressure to not miss a game or season but every so often is it o.k. to take some time off or miss a game or event.

[gingersmom]

My daughter is on a synchronized skating team and I think it is one of the best experiences she has ever had.

She has learned discipline, her confidence is soaring, she has made amazing friends, traveled, etc.

I only wish she had started when she was much younger (but unfortunately we could not afford it then. It is super expensive!)

[mcconnellboys]

While my son swims year round, we have never gone to the extreme of extra, private training, etc. He does not even go to every practice per week at all times of the year. He would like to swim in college, but at a Division III level, which is much less intense than Division I (D3 schools tend to be academically very good, too).

He has other interests, such as drama and music, which we've also tried to allow him to pursue. He's just begun driving; just gotten his first job; has service hours to complete each school year; needs to sleep a decent number of hours per night.

There are only so many hours in a day and he needs time to also be a kid, so no, we don't pursue to the extreme as some do. He doesn't set goals of going to nationals, Olympic trials, etc. for swimming. If he had the sort of natural ability that put him in a category (even without heavy training) that might make such a thing reasonably attainable, then it might be a different matter, but he does not.

I think the test should be something like, "What will the goal be? Do I really, really want this? Is it reasonable to hope that it might be obtained within xxx period of time? If not, what more reasonable goal could I set for myself? Is appropriate training available in my area to help me achieve my goals?"

My son is happy to win local or area level meets against kids he's swum against for years. He's happy to have times that will allow him to swim at a D3 school. Even those kids we know who wish to swim for D1 schools have a much higher level of stress in trying to get prepared for such a thing. There's no swim program in our town that is really capable of turning out a large number of swimmers at this level (there is one in Louisville - but that's 90 minutes away). You have to have reasonable expectations for the type of training that's readily available to you, as well as the natural talents of your athlete.

We have a couple of national level/Olympic trial kids in our area, but they have a natural ability that has enabled them to reach this level; training did not do it. Perhaps you need advice from professionals in the field about what they think your child can reasonably attain. I would not go to someone who stands to make money from you to ask such a question, either.

Most good colleges today want to see some diversification on a prospective student's resume'. If they go to a D1 school as an athlete, it's like having a full-time, physically demanding job while attending school full-time simultaneously. Some might love this. It's not my son's idea of a great college experience....

If a student does get into college on an athletic scholarship, then they have the pressure to perform well in order to keep that money. I think this turns the equation of education first sort of upside down at most large schools. I'm not sure most students who do this are that well served, academically speaking (despite the ready "tutoring" that is touted by all such schools for athletes).

After college is concluded, can the student athlete expect that they will be able to continue their sport at an Olympic or professional level? If not, then why pour their entire selves into it for the entirety of their college career? What's the end game?

Gaining expertise in a sport one loves is great - especially if it leads to a career associated with that sport and/or some high level of achievement in that sport (for the very tiny, top percent of athletes) - but I tend to think a more common outcome is a life-long love of that sport which will serve the athlete well in preserving his health over time. If that's the case, then why drive themselves into the ground until they hate the sport and can't stand the thought of ever participating in it again?

We know a ton of kids in a swim club here who have just been driven into the ground with poor training. Many of them will be seniors next year and they've quit swimming (some after ten or more years in the sport) during this past school year. That didn't need to happen.

Parents need to really work to stay tuned in to their childrens' needs, the type of training they're receiving, changing interests, etc. Poor training of any type at a high level needs to be addressed as quickly as possible to prevent burnout, increasing levels of frustration, and loss of desire to compete, among other things.

It certainly sounds like you are trying to stay attuned to your children's needs. In addition to assessing their dreams/desires/goals as a family, I think perhaps if you have some seasoned veterans in your area for your child's sport, perhaps they can give you some good advice, too, about expectations for that sport in future.

[MamaT]

My 12yo dd has been in dance since she was 3, and is in a performing company in ballet and jazz. It takes a lot of her time (and mine), but she loves it and I wouldn't change a thing. She probably will not pursue dance as a career, but could teach later if she wants.

My 9yo dd is a competitive gymnast, which takes even more time and money than my dancer. We recently had to make a decision to ramp up or not. We went for trial practice week with a very serious gym (one of their teams were 2nd in Worlds last year), and if they wanted her there decided we would make the sacrifice. It is extremely expensive and an hour away. She is now at that gym and is thriving. She is very serious about her sport. She will probably get a college scholarship if she continues in the sport - which is totally up to her.