co-op/homeschool group issues....oh boy

[Holly IN]

ds came home very upset. He said most kids are not accepting him for who he is. He said he wants to change his personallity totally opposite. I advised him against it. I told him to just tone it down a bit. The parents love him though. Not sure what the issue is.

He did spend a week with Teen Pact this week. It is a totally different world than homeschool group. It is homeschooled kids learning about gov't and have mock gov't legislature. He had a great time and the kids respected each other so well. They looked out for each other. DS is very upset by the differences between TeenPact and his homeschool group.

I am besides myself over this. I am quiet upset about this issue.

Anybody going through this with their 13 year old boy?? He is much more mature than his own age so I am not sure what the problem is.

HELP-
Holly:(

[WTMindy]

I hate to see mature kids ostracized. I would keep doing what you are doing, finding places where he will be around peers who get him. I used to babysit for a boy who was considered a real nerd (I'm not saying this is your son, by the way). He was a nice kid and very smart. He found a few friends in high school, but totally blossomed in college. He grew tall and handsome and people actually appreciated his brain in college. He is getting married this year and it makes me smile and it reminds me of the story of The Ugly Duckling. Some little swans are just underappreciated when they are young.

I really have no advice, but I think you are doing the right thing. Keep praising him for his wonderful characteristics!! By the way, I think *every* kid wants to change their personality at age 13.

[Whisperlily]

I really have no advice, but I think you are doing the right thing. Keep praising him for his wonderful characteristics!! By the way, I think *every* kid wants to change their personality at age 13.

I couldn't have said it better. I think it comes with the age. :)

Edited because as I was responding my mind went along a different track... when I came back to re-read, it sounded like I was encouraging your son to change because of the unhealthy situation. Keep encouraging him, Mom. I don't think we should "subject" our children to a situation where they are unaccepted or ridiculed. (((Hugs))) for you and him.

[sdWTMer]

Well said Mindy. Kudos.

[Karenciavo]

My oldest son is like this, not ostracized, but he just doesn't fit in. Last week he was "mocked" for not knowing what Uggs are, he laughed it off. He really has nothing in common with many of his peers, it doesn't bother him. He has one or two close friends that he talks theology, politics, philosophy, and music with, the rest he limits to polite conversation.

Tell him God has given him special gifts and that he should not desire to change them, but should be excited about what God has planned for him. Try not to let him allow bitterness take root. You could pray that God will send a good friend into his life.

[sdWTMer]

My eldest son is a little, scratch that, a lot different; but, he does get along with all of his chess buddies. :-D

[Testimony]

I just wanted to add. I had a situation like this with a Young Friends Club that we joined once a month. The children were being very mean to my sons. I could not figure out why. I just stopped going.

I started my own club where I make it a rule no name calling. Yes it is one of my rules. I do not make it understood. I make every child feel special. I have everyone applaud every child after they have made their creations. My club keeps growing and more children keep coming. We try to make it a safe and loving environment for all the children who come through our doors.

I personally believe that in a lot of ways that it could be the leadership too. How is it that your child is ostracized? Who is monitoring that this does not happen? You might as well put the child in public school if that is what is happening in a homeschool co-op.

I know that some people may say that I am wrong to pull a child because they should face up to these situations, but children need to grow and thrive in a nuturing environment. Issues like this will come.

That's my 2 cents.

Blessings,
Karen
www.homeschoolblogger.com/testimony

[Jean in Newcastle]

Sounds to me like TeenPact is a keeper. The co-op isn't. Why subject yourself to that kind of environment if there isn't a need to endure it?

[Amy in Orlando]

Sounds to me like TeenPact is a keeper. The co-op isn't. Why subject yourself to that kind of environment if there isn't a need to endure it?

This was my reaction as well.

Your son sounds like a great kid and the coop is just not a good fit. I think this is what a lot of people are talking about when they talk about how much they hated middle school. 13 is simply a rough age and kids that age tend to be kind of mean and cliquish. I'm very happy to have my sons coming out of this age relatively unscathed and with a lot of confidence. I cannot say the same for a lot of their friends.

As an adult, you wouldn't continue to participate in a group that made you feel like your son felt when he got home, would you? I think the early teen years are great for letting them make some decisions about who they want to spend time with on a regular basis. They're no longer little kids in a play group where it's appropriate for mom to step in talk to the other mothers about having their kids play nice. Now is the time to help your son negotiate his way on his own. If a group isn't a good fit, there's no real reason to continue with the group. (I find this hard because we've left groups where I really enjoyed the other moms, but my sons didn't mesh with the other kids. I miss that time for "me" to socialize. I'm still in touch with the other moms, but I miss that set time.)

As far as "toning it down," I'm not sure what you mean. Do you really feel like your son needs to tone things down or is it just not a good fit? I have one son where I constantly want to tell him to tone it down, but even if he did, you'd know he was doing it and it would be almost insulting - did that make sense? He's fine in situations like church or scout meetings - so he can tone it down when it's absolutely necessary, but when it's free/fun/friend time, it's hard to hold him back. And, when I really think about it, why should we hold him back. That's who he is. He has found friends who like him because of who he is. He wouldn't have made those good friends if he had "toned himself down."

I hope some of this makes sense to you. I"m only trying to encourage you, not challenge you and I hope it came across that way.

[Holly IN]

This was my reaction as well.


As far as "toning it down," I'm not sure what you mean. Do you really feel like your son needs to tone things down or is it just not a good fit? I have one son where I constantly want to tell him to tone it down, but even if he did, you'd know he was doing it and it would be almost insulting - did that make sense? He's fine in situations like church or scout meetings - so he can tone it down when it's absolutely necessary, but when it's free/fun/friend time, it's hard to hold him back. And, when I really think about it, why should we hold him back. That's who he is. He has found friends who like him because of who he is. He wouldn't have made those good friends if he had "toned himself down."

I hope some of this makes sense to you. I"m only trying to encourage you, not challenge you and I hope it came across that way.


Thanks! I actually do not want him to tone it down. He was going to go to the exact opposite of who he really is. I advised against that but directed him to just tone it down if he truly feels that he needs to. He does have friends that really like him for who he is. He is determined to do this. I rather him to just tone it down a bit than change himself so drastically to the opposite. I told him that will backfire and make the other kids that like him really concerned that something is wrong with him.

He already said that he doesn't want to do this fellowship group anymore. He wants to continue the classes but not the social groups that is not organized in a way that prevents stuff that happens yesterday.

Holly

[shanvan]

but I had to respond to your post. We have been dealing with a similar situation for several years! Ours involved actual agressive physical contact, lying, and an unwillingness to accept authority (on the part of one particular child who repeated singled out my son). We addressed the situation repeatedly with the parents and with leaders, but we finally had to leave the co-op. I agree with the other posts

"Why subject yourself to that kind of environment if there isn't a need to endure it?"

"As an adult, you wouldn't continue to participate in a group that made you feel like your son felt when he got home, would you?"


I finally came to this conclusion after the problems continued and the parents did not want to address the situation. I could have saved myself (and my son) a lot of heartache if I had come to this conclusion earlier.

I try to remain friendly with the parents, but we stay out of the co-op. I had many ideas for classes and co-ops I wanted to teach, but I am running them as clubs (just like the other poster) so I can control the behavior issues myself.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone, and co-ops are not always the best option for everyone. Stick with the environments that allow your son to flourish.

I would be interested to know if anyone else has had negative experiences with co-ops. It is not something you see discussed often.

This board has a lot of great posts! I'm so glad I discovered it.

[Diana in OR]

My 14yos is having a similar problem...

Since starting ps last October, he has found the ps students to be friendlier and more tolerant of him than the kids in the homeschool group we have been a part of for 7 years.

He's a great kid! He has a strong, leader-type personality, and is not a "quiet" child, iykwim. Helping him shape those God-given skills and talents has been one of my biggest challenges (and rewards) during our hs journey.

It makes me sad, but I'm glad to see he finally has friends who are accepting of him as he is in ps.

[Tami]

besides the wonderful thoughts and advice you've already received.

If this is a *Christian* co-op, I would call the administrator. Acting in love is our highest calling, and teasing/bullying has no place in the Christian setting. It is no different than if some of the kids were smoking or drinking alcohol during class. The offenders should be confronted and given an opportunity to repent and apologize. If the behavior continues, the co-op should take action to remove the students in willful sin.