My dh is not in agreement with us homeschooling

[Eleni]

And Im thinking I need to stop fighting and let go. I am thinking that I need to spend the next few months getting the kids on grade level so they can be enrolled in the fall. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that though this is my conviction...it is not my husbands and he has every right to determine the education his children receive. But at the same time I am wanting to fall into a puddle of tears.

Dh and I both had horrible school experiences....however he had a very supportive involved family, and feels he came out better because of it, while I had a very neglectful childhood, was not supported, and have no idea what school would be like with involved parents.

I just need some reassurance and love here. :(

[Excelsior! Academy]

(((hugs))) Put them back in for a season and homeschool in the summer. I did this with my dc and dh was sold! I will be praying for you.

[OnTheBrink]

(((((((HUGS)))))))))

I'm sorry he's not supportive of it, but there are all sorts of things you can still do with your dc at home. Your marriage is too important to let this be a burr the saddle, so to speak.

And, pray. He may very well change his mind. You never can tell. Stranger things have happened! :)

[Joanne]

Do you simply want {{hugs}} and support?

Or do you want to "discuss" this?

[Eleni]

I probably want to discuss this. I need to be sorted out before he and I sit down to talk about it.
#1 to be frank, the idea of putting them in school horrifies me
#2 I only have my messed up childhood and school experience as my entire basis
#3 Our eldest son is behind, most definitely, and I will and do take ownership of that. He is a child who needs structure, and consistency...I am a flake...my 5yo is a child who is self motivated to learn and has done just that..and asked for help when he needs it. My eldest has perfectionistic tendencies and if something doesnt come right off the bat he deems it as "too hard" and it is a battle.
#4 I am sure that if I were to move to a more school at home, regimented way of doing things dh would acquiesce....BUT, can I do that without going batty?
#5 Part of me says "just submit, he is your husband" the other side says "no freaking way"

But, like I said before, they are his children as well, and has every right to have input into the sort of education they are to receive....I guess it comes down to us trying to compromise and working together. Admittedly, I do feel slightly guilty about HS'ing because I dont have his full approval and support. If I were allow myself to wish, it would be that he would be involved, supportive and helpful with it.

[sdWTMer]

Hugs to you. I would have to submit to my dh. There have been times when I've wanted to put them in school, but dh persisted, I submitted and here we are today. Hang in there. Things can change.

[WTMindy]

I would be so sad if my dh didn't want me to homeschool. I also know that I don't think I would do it if my dh weren't on board.

Sending you huge virtual hugs!!

[Peek a Boo]

discuss? you got it :-)

You are absolutely correct in wanting to discuss this with him. You have a scriptural obligation to submit to him, and he has a scriptural obligation to make sure YOU feel loved in this whole process.

Per your info shared here, i would make it clear to him that since the support of parents in the public school process is *integral* to the success [ask any school teacher!!!], is he willing to attend PTA meetings, sit in on teacher-parent conferences, drop off and pick up, help w/ homework in the evenings, and participate in extra curricular activities like plays, concerts, sports practices, etc?? If he is not willing to be 100% involved in the public school process, then I would insist on homeschooling even w/ objections.

And if he is willing to be involved w/ strangers in the PS atmosphere, why is he not willing to support YOU?? Aren't YOU more important to support than the PS system?

As for your oldest, maybe you can enroll *him* only for the year and see how he does? My oldest would have a blast in a school setting, but I homeschool because i detest the social atmosphere of the schools. Having children that are behind academically would not sway me at all -- it's easy to catch up on learning facts when you can grow in peace.

I would not "just submit" when it comes to the educational, emotional, and spiritual well being of my children. I see no basis in scripture for the wife submitting "to whatever dh says" and the dh doing little to support his wife. That's NOT how it works.

I do agree that the marriage is key. But if he is basing the marriage happiness on the education style of the children and not on supporting his spouse, then sending them to school will NOT help the marriage in the long run. i would probably compromise on sending them [or just one] to school as long as he compromises by 1. taking on a lot of the parental involvement necessary since he's insisting on the change, and 2. attending counseling to strengthen the marriage. Cuz it really does boil down to he doesn't trust your judgment and refuses to support your decisions in managing your household per proverbs 31. If he is expecting YOU to submit scripturally but not fulfilling his end of scripture, then I would insist on corporate accountability for this per titus 2.

How many children do you have?
If you have one away at school you can concentrate on doing a better job w/ the others. You can use that time to practice implementing a more disciplined routine. Try a video school. You can focus on meeting his ideas of education, but in your atmsophere.


good luck, no matter what you decide :cool:

[Kelli in TN]

I am so bad. I am a dreadful wife, really.

But I have fought this fight in the past and I stood my ground. I was in the "no freakin' way" camp. We have put kids in school at times, but it was when we were in agreement. When we have been at odds I have won the fight by the sheer power of my strong, bulldozer personality.

I am not saying you should do this. I am just saying I have done it.

This is coming from someone who is generally pretty good about lining up with my husband's vision in life.

Just not that. I am a homeschool radical. And sometimes I am a lousy wife.

I don't know what to tell you. If you know are not doing a good job, perhaps you should put them in. I think if my kids were behind and it was my fault, and my husband took me to task about it, I would take that seriously. If he had real reasons, real concerns, I would probably take that to heart.

[gandpsmommy]

In Ohio, there is a public charter school called Ohio Virtual Academy. If you enroll your children in it, they are enrolled in public school. You are given K-12 curriculum free of charge, and a laptop to use for as long as your kids are enrolled, if you don't have a computer at home. You don't have to notify the schools that you are hsing, because they are enrolled in a public school. You are assigned a team of certified public school teachers who you can contact anytime for assistance, and they will check in with you periodically to see how your kids are progressing. They provide you with all materials you need and give you a suggested timeline for completing assignments. The kids take computer assessments periodically to check their mastery of concepts, and at the end of the year they are required to take standardized tests, just as all public school kids are. But, they do all of their work at home with you. And the curr. is high-quality. They also organize field trips/social opportunties for families enrolled in the virtual school. I know a family who chose this option because the dad was dead-set against homeschooling until he learned about this. If your state has something similar, it would be worth discussing.

[Eleni]

He would not be able to be involved in any PS activities....he works around 80 hrs a week, it is not uncommon for him to be gone from 8am till 10/11pm 5 days a week, and then 8-5 on Saturdays. So, yes, it would still all be on me.

I know I have issues with staying on track and being consistent....but do you know how hard that is when Im ALONE ALL the time??? I get tired, I get lonely, I try hard to make the best of it. (Im not yelling this at anyone here....just pretty much yelling it)

We are involved with lots of activities, and groups, and have a good social support structure. Dh sees that our children are bright, outgoing, happy little people.

Admittedly...there are times I really think of quitting...because I do get worn out and it gets hard, but ultimately, I cant....because of my convictions that hands down this is the BEST education my children can get that wont cost 20K a yr per kid.

BTW. I have 3 children...7.5yo, almost 6yo and a 4 yo.

[Joanne]

I probably want to discuss this. I need to be sorted out before he and I sit down to talk about it.
#1 to be frank, the idea of putting them in school horrifies me
#2 I only have my messed up childhood and school experience as my entire basis
#3 Our eldest son is behind, most definitely, and I will and do take ownership of that. He is a child who needs structure, and consistency...I am a flake...my 5yo is a child who is self motivated to learn and has done just that..and asked for help when he needs it. My eldest has perfectionistic tendencies and if something doesnt come right off the bat he deems it as "too hard" and it is a battle.
#4 I am sure that if I were to move to a more school at home, regimented way of doing things dh would acquiesce....BUT, can I do that without going batty?
#5 Part of me says "just submit, he is your husband" the other side says "no freaking way"

But, like I said before, they are his children as well, and has every right to have input into the sort of education they are to receive....I guess it comes down to us trying to compromise and working together. Admittedly, I do feel slightly guilty about HS'ing because I dont have his full approval and support. If I were allow myself to wish, it would be that he would be involved, supportive and helpful with it.

Hm. It sounds like maybe he's less worried about "homeschooling" in general and more worried about your continued lack of discipline around it?

Would it be possible for you to consider - instead of getting them ready for public school - talking to him about progressing to consistency with school?

In other words, if you address his (sounds like valid) concerns about their education, would he be open to continuing?

And, if so, do you feel you are able to build the habit of consistency? You won't be able to go from today to a WTM schedule overnight. But if you are going to do the work of getting them ready for public school, why not do the work of getting your homeschool in order?

[MMinMN]

Awesome post!

[j.griff]

That's what I was thinking- IF you're willing to get them "caught up" in order to attend school, why not just put that effort into getting "caught up" and then sticking with the schedule that got you "caught up"? You "can" do it, either way. And once you all "see" that you "can", I believe it would be easier to continue HSing. Hugs.

[Mrs. H.]

I think you need to really have your dh explain to you what his concerns are...lack of consistency? discipline? children falling behind? socialization (too much or too little)? Have him state concrete goals for the children, and explain to him that without some sort of goal to work towards, he is just setting you up to fail. I've had this talk numerous times with my dh, by the way.

As for getting yourself consistent and dealing with loneliness, having to do it all, etc. here's some advice from a mom who's husband works looong hours. I have to do it all, too. Dh is here for supper (sometimes) and bed time, and he's too worn out to help with either of those. I do get tired, depressed, lonely, etc. but it's up to ME to be the adult and keep it all together here, just like it's up to dh to be the one to go to work and provide for seven people. We all have our burdens.

Talk to your dh, work out a good plan, and implement it one step at a time. Telling yourself you can't get on the computer, talk on the phone, turn on the tv, etc. until school/housework/dinner is done may be something you have to do, but no one is going to do it for you.

[Mrs Mungo]

He would not be able to be involved in any PS activities....he works around 80 hrs a week, it is not uncommon for him to be gone from 8am till 10/11pm 5 days a week, and then 8-5 on Saturdays. So, yes, it would still all be on me.

I know I have issues with staying on track and being consistent....but do you know how hard that is when Im ALONE ALL the time??? I get tired, I get lonely, I try hard to make the best of it. (Im not yelling this at anyone here....just pretty much yelling it)

I'm an Army wife. So, yes, I do know how hard it is. My husband can be out of the picture for *months* at a time.

We are involved with lots of activities, and groups, and have a good social support structure. Dh sees that our children are bright, outgoing, happy little people.

Admittedly...there are times I really think of quitting...because I do get worn out and it gets hard, but ultimately, I cant....because of my convictions that hands down this is the BEST education my children can get that wont cost 20K a yr per kid.

BTW. I have 3 children...7.5yo, almost 6yo and a 4 yo.

I think if I were in this spot I would sit my husband down and ask him what he thought a reasonable expectation would be. It's not reasonable or fair to put the kids in school and make you be the only "super-involved parent." I agree with Joanne. You don't need a classroom school, you need discipline and consistency.

[Scarlett]

In Ohio, there is a public charter school called Ohio Virtual Academy. If you enroll your children in it, they are enrolled in public school. You are given K-12 curriculum free of charge, I know a family who chose this option because the dad was dead-set against homeschooling until he learned about this. If your state has something similar, it would be worth discussing.

I use K12 for this very reason. Dh tolerates it this way. He is still not 'for' it totally, but we are still hs'ling.

Also, If you have organizational problems, K12 would be great for you. It is a boxed curriculum and there is a great time lesson tracker....calculates for you when you will finish the year based on current schedule. You can also set your schedule anyway you want. My State is very flexible with scheduling and what they allow as supplemental time. K12 will test your children in order to properly place them and this will be very helpful if your oldest is behind in some things. For instance, a friend of mine has a 7th grader who is doing all 7th grade K12 work except for Math and he is having to redo a lot of 6th grade and even some 5th grade to get him on task math wise.

It is a great compromise IMO.

[sdWTMer]

(Gently) Yahbut, Peek, it does say to submit in all things, does it not?

I believe that Peek has given you quite a few good ideas on which to bounce off dh.

I would also fight it, but in the end I would do what dh says to do.

[Joanne]

I know I have issues with staying on track and being consistent....but do you know how hard that is when Im ALONE ALL the time??? I get tired, I get lonely, I try hard to make the best of it. (Im not yelling this at anyone here....just pretty much yelling it)

We are involved with lots of activities, and groups, and have a good social support structure. Dh sees that our children are bright, outgoing, happy little people.

Admittedly...there are times I really think of quitting...because I do get worn out and it gets hard, but ultimately, I cant....because of my convictions that hands down this is the BEST education my children can get that wont cost 20K a yr per kid.

BTW. I have 3 children...7.5yo, almost 6yo and a 4 yo.

Hm. When my kids (13, 11 and 9, so I have BTDT), my (then) husband - their Dad - travelled constantly. I was "alone" all the time, handling everything.

With the "tone" and content of your posts, I am wondering if you could be suffering from clinical depression? Combined with unrealistic expectations of life with littles?

Staying on track and being consistent (with school, chores, kid training, housework, all of it) ultimately is easier and takes less emotional/mental toll than the alterntaive. If you "can't", that could well be a function of depression. Particularly since you say you are involved socially with others.

[Peek a Boo]

I know I have issues with staying on track and being consistent....but do you know how hard that is when Im ALONE ALL the time??? I get tired, I get lonely, I try hard to make the best of it. (Im not yelling this at anyone here....just pretty much yelling it)


BTW. I have 3 children...7.5yo, almost 6yo and a 4 yo.

ok-- I would vote for a virtual charter school if that's an option. It will provide the accountability to other people and will help fill that 'lonely' void --you'll be in pretty consistent communication w/ others that have a vested interest in your child's education. Otherwise another type of boxed/correspondence curriculum might suit you well. Can y'all afford that?? If not, we can scout around and look for something else that is more budget friendly :-)

Your kids are still VERY young. There's not really a need to be "caught up" at 8 years old!! Just get him reading, writing some sentences even if it's just via copywork, and doing math facts and that would be GREAT. Feel free to share your oldest's capabilities and where you think he's behind and the hive can offer practical, more specific comments and realistic goals. Where does dh think oldest is behind? What does he expect "caught up" to look like? My oldest didn't start really reading till almost 8! It just wasn't his cuppa, lol. But at 10.5yo, he reads just fine.

good luck!

[Eleni]

We did use OHVA last year for this reason, and it was a nightmare, both ds and I would wind up in tears daily over it...and then we fell behind.

What happens to us is:
I have set things that we use, we do it for a few days, and then I get distracted by something...or we go on a field trip or I notice warning signs that I need to get out of the house and socialize. Seriously, if I dont have regular social outlets I get very depressed, Im very extroverted.

This is my biggest character defect. Dh refers to my temperament as "artistic and fascinating" While he loves the fact that I go 100 miles an hour, try to tackle everything at once, all while reading no less than 10 books on assorted topics, can find new friends wherever we go...it is also clearly my downfall with homeschooling.

SO...how does someone like me get regimented? Or, stick with a regimen?I do really well for a couple days and then I start feeling like Im being strangled and I get all irritated...

[Scarlett]

Hm. It sounds like maybe he's less worried about "homeschooling" in general and more worried about your continued lack of discipline around it?

Would it be possible for you to consider - instead of getting them ready for public school - talking to him about progressing to consistency with school?

In other words, if you address his (sounds like valid) concerns about their education, would he be open to continuing?

And, if so, do you feel you are able to build the habit of consistency? You won't be able to go from today to a WTM schedule overnight. But if you are going to do the work of getting them ready for public school, why not do the work of getting your homeschool in order?

So well said Joanne. I have a friend who is bringing her 5th grade son home because he and school are failing each other. Her dh is very concerned due to her lack of organization and follow through, but she feels she HAS to do this. And by 'do this' I mean hs the child and keep her dh happy with the rest of their lives.

[j.griff]

Here's my suggestion:
Don't schedule every subject for everyday, but do schedule "get out of the house time" for everyday- just have it planned for a certain time (not clock time necessarily- but routine time, maybe after lunch?) each day.
Don't "allow" yourself to have any "social" time UNTIL the school work is done (as done as it's gonna get for that day). That should keep you from becoming distracted. If you have to, turn your puter OFF and leave it OFF until after school is done. You know that you "need" regular social outlets, so just plan for that. :D "schedule" core subjects, and then you can add other stuff as it fits your fancy since you say you are "artistic and fascinating", ;)

[Melinda in VT]

It sounds from what you have posted here that your husband might have a point. I don't know that his wanting to send the kids to public school is a sign that he is not supporting you. He may just be trying to find a way to meet his goals for the kids' education without putting pressure on you. (Has he brought up concerns with their education before? If he has, and not much has changed, maybe he feels this is the only way to get what he feels the kids need.)

I know kids learn at different speeds and have different issues. But there is a difference between kids who are behind because they haven't bloomed yet and kids who are behind because the work needed to be done to educate them isn't being done. You know your son, and I may be mis-reading this, but I don't get the impression your oldest son is a late bloomer. I get the impression he has learned that fighting with you about school means he doesn't have to do the work.

It sounds like you and your 5yo have a good homeschooling relationship where learning is occurring. But it sounds like that relaxed method isn't working for your oldest son.

To be honest, even if you put your oldest son in school, you will have issues with making sure his homework gets done. And if he fights you about homeschooling work, he will likely fight you on homework too. But I think he might learn more in school, even without doing his homework.

Ideally, you and your oldest would work out a way for him to continue to learn while being homeschooled. But if he isn't learning, then I think you owe it to him to put him in a situation where he will.

[Mrs Mungo]

We did use OHVA last year for this reason, and it was a nightmare, both ds and I would wind up in tears daily over it...and then we fell behind.

What happens to us is:
I have set things that we use, we do it for a few days, and then I get distracted by something...or we go on a field trip or I notice warning signs that I need to get out of the house and socialize. Seriously, if I dont have regular social outlets I get very depressed, Im very extroverted.

This is my biggest character defect. Dh refers to my temperament as "artistic and fascinating" While he loves the fact that I go 100 miles an hour, try to tackle everything at once, all while reading no less than 10 books on assorted topics, can find new friends wherever we go...it is also clearly my downfall with homeschooling.

SO...how does someone like me get regimented? Or, stick with a regimen?I do really well for a couple days and then I start feeling like Im being strangled and I get all irritated...

In my opinion it is possible with such young children (especially with your hubby's long work hours, you don't have to do school from 9 to 3) to schedule school for 3 days a week and social activities 2 or 3 days a week.

Being an extrovert and an artistic personality are not character defects. You simply need to find good balance between meeting your child's educational needs and meeting your social needs.

[Peek a Boo]

Eleni, I have a question:
if your children ARE happy, healthy, and bright, do you think you really NEED a "consistent" school structure?

I too would fit most of your description --very outgoing, easily distracted, always going somewhere, etc. But what I have found [my oldest is in 8th, w/ others in 5th, 1st, a 4yo, and a 2yo], is that the consistency isn't as necessary as some would think. yes, if i wanted my kids to be academic whizzes, we would need to buckle down more. But my guys learn A LOT just by our travels, adventures, discussions, and spurts of "school time". You might consider getting a logbook type of thing and logging what your kids *do* vs trying to do lesson planning and keep up w/ something else. My kids certainly aren't idiots, lol. They can carry on a discussion w/ actual facts w/ a number of people. They learn things whether I plan the learning or not. On some days my 6yo's reading program very often boils down to the line of Campbell's soup labels or other products in the grocery/toy store....;)

Taking the time to document what you DO, see, learn, and discuss may help alleviate dh's fears. It will give you an opportunity to become more disciplined in record keeping too :-)

That doesn't mean we are a failure at *homeschooling* --it means our homeschool looks different from another's.

Check out a "learning log" "car schooling" and "unschooling" on the web --you might get some ideas to mesh your style of life w/ your desire and obvious care of your children to instruct your students in a manner that dh can relate to. And disclaimer: "unschooling" doesn't mean you do nothing! It just means you follow a different philosophy of what a school schedule looks like. PM me for more info if you'd like. i don't "unschool" totally, but i think i might be able to offer some practical advice for accountability, documenting, and setting some realistic goals so dh has a better idea of what you ARE doing.


(Gently) Yahbut, Peek, it does say to submit in all things, does it not?


If you take the entire marriage counsel from one verse, then yeah, you can read it that way. But Scripture offers A LOT that puts that verse in context.
Submitting w/o keeping the real problems in discussion and not expecting each other to work on areas that bog the marriage down [insisting on accountability] does NOT fulfill our scriptural role as Helper.

We are to submit "as to the Lord." You can read "as to the Lord" as "I should turn everything over to dh and do nothing else except pray" or "The Lord expects me to WORK for things: i should go get a job, not expect money to appear magically on my doorstep. i should change the baby's diaper, not expect God to clean it Himself. I should actively preserve my marriage, not expect God to do every little thing....." yadda yadda yadda.

'As to The Lord' is a heavy phrase that inserts a huge responsibility on the parties and helps clarify expectations involved. Yes, we submit, but we do so in a responsible manner that takes into consideration the needs of everyone and what we can realistically do. Sending a kid to PS doesn't necessarily mean that they will learn anyway --esp if they don't have parental support at home or the only parent involved is not supportive of the concept. Add in the socail stuff tehy have to deal with and I'd rather my kids learn late than pick up bad habits at school.

And again, If the wife is going to submit, the Husband needs to Love. I would hold him accountable to that.

[Peek a Boo]

In my opinion it is possible with such young children (especially with your hubby's long work hours, you don't have to do school from 9 to 3) to schedule school for 3 days a week and social activities 2 or 3 days a week.

Being an extrovert and an artistic personality are not character defects. You simply need to find good balance between meeting your child's educational needs and meeting your social needs.

Big ditto here!!

[Scarlett]

I'll agree that those are not character defects, but her dh just may not be able to handle having his children schooled that way. More discussion is certainly warranted, but even artistic people have to learn to organize their time. Obviously, what you are doing works for you, and I assume your dh is on board with your style.

OP, I wonder if you made the K12 curriculum more difficult than it needed to be? For instance, my first few months with it, I was totally dazed by it because it seemed to be soooooooooooo much work. Eventually, I figured out that I don't have to do EVERY single piece of work they give us. In fact, I often teach an hour lesson in 10 minutes if ds gets it quickly. Sometimes I skip art projects (although I review the material with ds). Sometimes I skip science projects. I OFTEN barely glance at the music because ds takes private piano lessons. It could be that OH makes it difficult by putting more demands on you than my state...but I would encourage you to give it another try. It is a great program to begin with young children because you learn the way they work and the next year it is a piece of cake for both parent and child.

My dh also works long long hours and everything is on me. I mean everything. We had a snowstorm here last night and I asked dh to pick up milk. He actually said to me, 'and where do I find this milk?' :eek: Obviously, I never ask him to stop by the store. He works lots of weekends too. You might use this to your advantage because homeschooling makes it a lot easier for kids to see workaholic fathers. If ds had to go to school he would HAVE to be in bed early...this way he often stays up until 10 and sleeps until 8 and thus he can see his father in the evenings.

I hope you find a way to work it out. I know I fear constantly that dh will force me to put ds in ps.

[Peek a Boo]

actually, Scarlett, dh is NOT always on board w/ my style --I do need to be ready to defend my style and the dc's education a lot. And I should!

my dh is a pilot --even when he's home, it is often difficult to get him to do ANYthing to help --he's usually best at taking the little guys for an hour. But i do understand about lack of support and involvement.

How one person organizes their time doesn't always jive w/ how another organizes theirs. I do agree that working out some sort of organization is definitely in order, but since her dh isn't even in teh picture most of the time, he really needs to let her choose what will work *for her* --not for him. It's NOT his time. It's hers. he needs to make suggestions, and even offer practical helps to help *her* in her job, but insisting on a course of action that he can't and won't even practically support himself is not helpful or rational for anyone, imnsho :-)


I'm more w/ Kelli on this one, lol.

[A.J. at J.A.]

#3 Our eldest son is behind, most definitely, and I will and do take ownership of that. He is a child who needs structure, and consistency...I am a flake...my 5yo is a child who is self motivated to learn and has done just that..and asked for help when he needs it. My eldest has perfectionistic tendencies and if something doesnt come right off the bat he deems it as "too hard" and it is a battle.
#4 I am sure that if I were to move to a more school at home, regimented way of doing things dh would acquiesce....BUT, can I do that without going batty?
#5 Part of me says "just submit, he is your husband" the other side says "no freaking way"

I think points 3-5 really stick out to me. My husband is very supportive, BUT that is contingent on the boys and I getting the work done. He would not be supportive if I were loosey goosey in our studies (not saying you are.) If he for one moment thought we were consistently not getting our work done, or were behind, he would be very alarmed and would seriously consider PS.

I think that point 3 is a very real concern and I can understand your DHs hesitancy here.
Point 4 is really a submission thing too. Are you willing/able to make this a full-time "real deal" job and not be flaky? He is possibly willing to commit to another trial if you are willing to do it in a more regimented and structured way. That is fair for him to ask. If you are willing to homeschool as he visions it to be, then that is a submission item as well.
Point 5: ultimately, this is DHs decision too. It sounds like he isn't trying to be unreasonable but sees real concerns that aren't being met. I think you need to follow his leadership unless you can commit to a plan of action to tackle points 3 & 4.

Hope I've made a bit of sense.
Hugs,
Angela

[Scarlett]

but since her dh isn't even in teh picture most of the time, he really needs to let her choose what will work *for her* --not for him. It's NOT his time. It's hers. he needs to make suggestions, and even offer practical helps to help *her* in her job, but insisting on a course of action that he can't and won't even practically support himself is not helpful or rational for anyone, imnsho :-)

Well, I do think I agree with you on this. Especially once I figured out the OP's oldest child is 7.5. How can he be 'behind'? This reminds me of another poster's dh on these boards whose was often saying their 3 yo was behind. If this 7.5 year old gets to be 10 and can't read, or do basic math then I might think her dh should insist on trying something different. But for now they are all so young...I hope she can relax and enjoy!

[Mrs Mungo]

Well, I do think I agree with you on this. Especially once I figured out the OP's oldest child is 7.5. How can he be 'behind'? This reminds me of another poster's dh on these boards whose was often saying their 3 yo was behind. If this 7.5 year old gets to be 10 and can't read, or do basic math then I might think her dh should insist on trying something different. But for now they are all so young...I hope she can relax and enjoy!

Off topic: There is a parenting board that my sister posts on. Sometimes I read it but the section on schooling drives me craaaaaaaaaazy. My sister and I are always joking about it by saying things (to each other) such as "I think my fetus is gifted!" or "How do I teach my 6 month old to read?" Err...sorry...I just had to get that out.

[LadyAberlin]

I'd see if he would be okay with some type of umbrella school. Maybe he could be over that and make sure the child you are having difficulty with is getting everything done. You could be in charge of the other child that is more self motivated.

[sdWTMer]

Oy...umbrella school. That's what got us in all this trouble in CA. :p

Just addin' a little levity is all.

[Eliana]

We did use OHVA last year for this reason, and it was a nightmare, both ds and I would wind up in tears daily over it...and then we fell behind.

What happens to us is:
I have set things that we use, we do it for a few days, and then I get distracted by something...or we go on a field trip or I notice warning signs that I need to get out of the house and socialize. Seriously, if I dont have regular social outlets I get very depressed, Im very extroverted.

This is my biggest character defect. Dh refers to my temperament as "artistic and fascinating" While he loves the fact that I go 100 miles an hour, try to tackle everything at once, all while reading no less than 10 books on assorted topics, can find new friends wherever we go...it is also clearly my downfall with homeschooling.

SO...how does someone like me get regimented? Or, stick with a regimen?I do really well for a couple days and then I start feeling like Im being strangled and I get all irritated...

You don't need to be regimented to homeschool successfully and effectively! Imho, you need to figure out how to work with who you are not against it.

I can't offer anything useful on the marriage issues, my faith doesn't have a 'submit to your husband' concept at all... dh and I work for consensus, which can involve a lot of discussion, exploration of priorities, fears, hopes, and hidden expectations; it is hard work sometimes, and we always learn so much from each other.

If schedules, routines, regimens, etc suffocate you, don't use them! Think about what does work for you. How do *you* get things done? What motivates you? What excites you?

Things to consider:

Unit studies: If you pick a central topic to focus your homeschool, you could perhaps build off your tendency to take on new passions and throw yourself into them. Each month a new topic! New books, new field trips, new experts to consult!

Have you read The Skylark Sings with Me by David Albert? It's a lovely, lovely book and shows how beautiful unschooling can be while achieving academic excellence.

Harness your creativity: think of all the different ways you could approach your core subjects, make sure you have what you need to implement all these ways, and then make sure you do at least one a day for each subject... you won't have that feeling of doing the same thing every day, but your kids will get more consistent practice of their skills.

Read. In the car in parking lots, in waiting rooms, during lunch, at the park, at bedtime read, read, read. Read picture books, chapter books, fiction, non-fiction, read about your latests passion (kids love to share our interests!), read about their latest passions, read about history, about birds or snakes or Saturn... and when you aren't reading, let them listen to audiobooks (unabridged classics). Read poems together, take turns reading pages from an easy reader with a little one, or chapters from an exciting chapter book with an older kid.

Talk with your kids, all through the day about every imaginable subject. Are you following the election? (My 6 year old twins are fascinated by the process and by my passion.) Do you have a cause you believe in? (religious, political, social?) get the kids involved! ...and talk about it. talk about what you read, the field trips you go on, the music you listen to. Encourage them to talk to you (regular car trips are great for this, btw! We've had some of our best discussions commuting to and from art class or piano.). Find out what interests them, let them tell you the stories they've made up, or the dreams they had last night, or what they think they'll do when they grow up. (And then support those passions - get them books, materials, answer their questions, help them find the next step...)

Make your home educationally rich. Turn off (or get rid of!) the TV, pack away the video games, and fill your home with books, music, poetry, art, science experiments, history timelines, board games, craft supplies, dress up clothes, blocks, legos, binoculars, magnifying glasses, a microscope, guide books, encyclopedias... and use them together! Explore the world, both directly and indirectly. Read, think learn (to quote MFS!)!

Bring bird identification handbooks to the park. Go to a local star party (and read up on astronomy afterwards!). Bake bread (or cookies!) together. Write letters to grandparents. Set up a family journal - and make entries about all your activities out in the world - illustrate and decorate it, include a theater ticket, a handout, a photograph. And/or do a family reading journal for your main read aloud - take turns narrating it after a reading session is over (we did this one year and it was fabulous!).

Your children, especially at these ages, don't *need* a structured school setting. They need opportunities to learn and grow. They need your support and involvement and at least a little guidance. They need a rich environment, and lots of reading and talking.

A structured academic setting for the elementary years is, imnsho, for the teacher/parent's benefit, not the child's. Many parents do better with structure, it makes it easier for them to be sure core subjects are getting the attention they need... but if it gets in the way rather than helping, don't throw out the baby with the bathwater... and *please* don't think of yourself as less qualified, less virtuous, less anything than those of us with more structure. You can do just as fabulous a job educating your children as the most organized, disciplined homeschooler out there... you just have to figure out what really works for you and your family.

... you might consider reading books about different approaches to hsing, and then sharing some of them (or, if he's short on time, some excerpts or summaries with your dh). Help him to see that there is more than one way to this and do it well!

[sdWTMer]

I must say that this sounds a lot like my dh and he is being much more successful with ADD meds. Seriously. I thought that it would never help him near as much as it has! He's been able to stay focused and get things done. He's even got a promotion since he started, that I don't think that he would have otherwise. Just my two cents.

[Patty Joanna]

If he is working that many hours, he might be very surprised at how little he will see his own children when they are submitted to the school schedule. One of the great blessings of bringing our son home was that he actually got to SEE his dad, who had a pretty impossible work schedule. While my son was in school for K-1, he had to be out of the house to go to school by 7:30. Dad was still asleep. Son came home. Dad was at work. Son had to be in bed by 8:00; Dad got home at 9:30ish. MAYBE sometimes he got home at 8, but that was smack in the middle of bedtime, so not actually ever a "quality" time possibility. Certainly not "quantity", which is where "quality" comes from.

Then, school told us when we had vacations. Very often, my dh would be in a part of the product cycle where he couldn't get away from work. So much for vacations. The school schedule, which is NOT in your control, meshing with a difficult work schedule can very easily split the family into two working units.

I would not expect a husband who works 80 hours per week to be involved with school activities. It will be a miracle if he sees his kids at all.

You have had good suggestions in other areas, so I'm not going to pile on in that mix; just wanted to point out that your dh may not know what he is asking for as re: his relationship with his children. I say that kindly, not as a "threat" but as a statement of the experience in our home.

I hope you can work this out for the well being of all, including each of you and the marriage unit and the family unit.

Kind regards,

[Kelli in TN]

I think points 3-5 really stick out to me. My husband is very supportive, BUT that is contingent on the boys and I getting the work done. He would not be supportive if I were loosey goosey in our studies (not saying you are.) If he for one moment thought we were consistently not getting our work done, or were behind, he would be very alarmed and would seriously consider PS.



Same here. Everytime my husband has brought up the school talk it has been over something silly, like this child is quirky or that child is too shy or my all time favorite, "Put him in school, the other kids will teach him not to act that way" :eek:

I admit I get all up in my flesh and I get to lookin' like karenciavo's avatar!! Only rounder and fatter. And brunette. But I digress.


But in all honesty, if my husband had reason to doubt my commitment and my follow-through to educating his children, after I have insisted that I am capable of doing this job, I would have no choice but to listen to his concerns. If I could not give an answer or I could not lay out a solid plan to change, and then follow that plan, I would need to let him put the kids in school.

[chiguirre]

Eleni, if you want to continue hsing, you've got about 6 months to get into a good groove which is completely doable. I'm the opposite to you personality-wise, I'm an accountant not an artist but that's never stopped me from opining so here goes:

1. Divide your day into "toothbrush" subjects and "wonder" subjects. Reading, math, spelling, handwriting and composition are things you have to do everyday. Just like brushing your teeth :D. They aren't always exciting, but they shouldn't cause pain either. Wonder subjects are things you want to learn about. You can be as flaky as you want with these, follow your whims! Honestly when you have a passion for vikings or insects and go with it, you can learn so much and remember it forever.

2. About those toothbrush subjects, do you like your curriculum? Does it work for you as a teacher? Does your son click with it? I've tried some stuff that had both ds and me tearing our hair out. After a lot of trial and error, we've finally found our groove half way through first grade. Make sure you've got something you both can live with, because you'll be living with it for about an hour everyday!

3. Is your oldest in first or second grade? If he's in second, he should be able to read a Level 2 I Can Read Book, for first graders aim for something like The Cat in the Hat. That's SL's "grade level". Calvert has very similar expectations. IMHO, some hs curricula are more advanced but if you have an average child you feel behind even though they're doing grade appropriate work. This same thing happens with math curricula as well. If you're using Horizons or Abeka, they may be going too fast for your ds. Take a careful look at that before you conclude he's behind.

4. If your ds is behind, especially in reading, putting him in ps could be very bad if he's going to be pulled out for remedial instruction. That can undermine a kid's confidence and label him for life. If he doesn't have any learning issues, make sure he's reading fluently before you put him in a ps 3rd grade.

I hope you can find a workable solution to your situation. I know how hard it can be to get in your groove and having a lot of spousal pressure doesn't help.

[Karenciavo]

And Im thinking I need to stop fighting and let go.

So are you saying the ball is in your court or did your husband say you need to put the children in school? My husband is not very supportive and would love for my children to be in school. If I hem and haw about whether I'm doing a good job or if I complain about homeschooling to him, his answer is and I think would always be put them in school, but that's different from him saying Karen, you must put them in school. So if he's not demanding it I don't know why a conversation needs to take place.

I would take j.griff's wonderful advice to school three days and play two. Protect those three days of schooling from distractions and get your work done.

[Sunkirst]

In my 4 years HSing, I have switched styles more times than I care to count. Anything new that came along, I wanted to experiment with. My oldest ds is dyslexic (we just found out a year ago), and I was searching for something that would help him learn to read, but I was never satisfied with how long things were taking. I'm also a very disorganized personality who often just NEEDS to get out. I'm also introverted and I often just want to retreat from the constant demands of three kids (dh works looong hours too).

All this is just to say that I know how crazy this can make you. About a year ago, my DH began to have his doubts that I was really educating our kids (specifically the oldest, mine are now 10, 4 and 2). We did work through it, and now we are in agreement (which is lovely). I have no idea if this can work for you, but here's what's worked for me:

1. I researched learning styles (with a library book by Cynthia Tobias?). Turns out ds and I are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. This helped me see that I would need to teach him in a way that he needed (slow, incremental, repetitive) and not my way (quick, disjointed).

2. I invested in a book called Countdown to Consistency by Mary Hood. This took me some serious time to work through, but it helped me clarify what type of HSing I wanted to do. It also helped me to realize that the type of schooling that I most wanted to do (self planned Unit Studies), was just too much work for a disorganized mother with preschoolers. I had to compromise, but we are actually doing school (the same type of school :o) everyday.

3. I asked my dh to be the principal... For us this means that we have to be in agreement with curricular choices (I research and then make proposals to dh), and that he will ask/quiz the kids about what they are learning when we do have family time. If he has concerns, I am responsible to address them promptly. Dh has really helped me modify my curriculum choices, so that I am not responsible for sitting with ds for every bit of every lesson. (BTW, we communicate school stuff via email).

4. I did some planning. For me this meant listing all my roles (wife, mother, teacher, gardener...), and goals (short and long term) within each of these roles. A HS goal was to "bust out" school 5 mornings each week. I've found that if I can maintain my self-discipline for 2.5 hours each morning, that we can get school done with the 10 and 4 year old. This is just the basics, but we are getting so much more done than ever before. On the afternoons that we are not out, we do the extras (history, science, art). I've had to review my goals frequently to keep them in mind, and take it "one day at a time."

This has worked all this year. It has been hard, but worthwhile. There are mornings that I wake up and I just don't want to do school, but I remember my goals, and remind myself that it will be quick. Sometimes I plan to take time off (and I really enjoy it). My ds is finally reading, and he Loves his "new school" (mostly because it's quick, and then he gets time for himself)

Good Luck!

[Eleni]

Due to very bad weather we were housebound this weekend. :rolleyes: usually when dh is home we are constantly on the go...but not this time. We had a very relaxed weekend that was conducive to conversation.

Thankfully, I didn't need to say anything. 7 yo DS brought his phonics book to dh and said "do this with me dad, I want to show you what I can do" Ds went through several new lessons and dh was very impressed. Then our 5yo came and did his lessons...he is pretty far ahead of his brother...and then our 4yo showed how she can read.

Dh said that he is thankful I trusted my instinct with our eldest and backed off of systematic instruction. Now ds is wanting to read and it is really clicking, whereas before it was a HUGE battle with him.

Dh says he is 110% in support of homeschooling, he now sees what we have been doing and thinks Im brilliant and wonderful. :o

[JennifersLost]

Yay, Eleni!

I was worried about you. I'm so glad this worked out. Sometimes our dh's have to deal with others' worries and perceptions about homeschooling and it makes them nervous. I'm glad he got to see for himself how well it was working.

[Peek a Boo]

wow!!

that is EXCELLENT. Keep that guy updated :D

good job Mom!

[one l michele]

And Im thinking I need to stop fighting and let go. I am thinking that I need to spend the next few months getting the kids on grade level so they can be enrolled in the fall. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that though this is my conviction...it is not my husbands and he has every right to determine the education his children receive. But at the same time I am wanting to fall into a puddle of tears.

Dh and I both had horrible school experiences....however he had a very supportive involved family, and feels he came out better because of it, while I had a very neglectful childhood, was not supported, and have no idea what school would be like with involved parents.

I just need some reassurance and love here. :(

and give him reassurance he needs? My dh was not on board 3 years ago when my oldest was approaching K. Our comprimise was a cyber charter/Calvert because they supplied the materials, kept records, and graded papers.

[PinkInTheBlue]

I'm probably in a minority because I do not operate in the way that says I have to honor what my husband wants us to do only. We are partners and a disagreement in opinion does not automatically default to him. He's not my boss and definitely not necessarily smarter than me on decisions.

That being said, disagreeing on something as big as this is tough. You feel passionate about your opinion and I assume by what you said that he is passionate about his opinion as well. The only advice I have is the obvious; you have to sit down and find a compromise. Also, I would factor in the opinions of the children just as a factor but at least worth considering.

Me personally? I'm so passionate about homeschooling that I would not budge on this one. There's not much AT ALL in my marriage that I'm not willing to compromise on but this would be one. You will have to do what seems best to you and your family. :)

That's a tough one...

Edited to say : I see now that you did get the opportunity for this discussion and interaction with the kiddos and all is wonderful. Yeah!! That's great!!

[Eliana]

Hurrah! What a relief!

It must be hard for your dh spending so much time working and not always being in touch with the details of day to day life... and caring so much for all of you and wanting to make things be right for you all.

[Eleni]

Hurrah! What a relief!

It must be hard for your dh spending so much time working and not always being in touch with the details of day to day life... and caring so much for all of you and wanting to make things be right for you all.


It is hard. We do try to touch base during the day...usually via text messaging. :rolleyes: When he is home he is so focused on the kids, and makes the most out of every minute. At night I stay up a little later just so he and I can spend time together. Last week we celebrated our 12th anniversary, had a blissful 10 hour date that was full on non-stop conversation and maybe .05% was about kids or work. :D

On the up side, he does LOVE his job...and Im so happy about that.

[Jean in Newcastle]

My dh is supportive of homeschooling but I have to say, I have to really watch any complaining I do. If I complain too much, my dh will say, "Sounds like its time to stop!" So, I save my complaints for you-all!

[A.J. at J.A.]

Dh says he is 110% in support of homeschooling, he now sees what we have been doing and thinks Im brilliant and wonderful. :o

That is SOOO awesome!! WOOHOO! Doing the happy dance for you! :D

Blessings,
Angela

[OneRoomHomeSchool]

Dh said that he is thankful I trusted my instinct with our eldest and backed off of systematic instruction. Now ds is wanting to read and it is really clicking, whereas before it was a HUGE battle with him.

Dh says he is 110% in support of homeschooling, he now sees what we have been doing and thinks Im brilliant and wonderful. :o

Awww, it sounds to me like your Dh is just normal parent, who loves and wants the best for his kids! It appears that HE was feeling a bit insecure regarding their learning and now feels MUCH better. ;)

Hang in there...figure out some type of routine where school gets it's proper place of priority and you also get some socialization. You CAN do this.