Gee, should I leave my kids with my alcoholic uncle?

[Cadam]

I'll take "not on your life" for 300 Alex.

It really was a kind offer and no he isn't a mean drunk, but a drunk none the less.

Big family reunion coming up and word has come that if any of us want to go on day trips while at the reunion he would gladly stay behind and watch any kids that don't want to go. My sister's response is "I don't think he is actually drinking right now". :eek: He has tried to quit at least 3 times in the last two years. I appreciate the challenge and admire that he is still trying but his own grown dd's won't live with him and have told me that if they had kids they would never let him babysit.

I have heard enough stories here to know that my family is darn good so I am not complaining but I feel like I need to find a way to get through to my sis. I doubt she will feel the need to leave her kids so I think it will be fine but gee. :eek:

I think "Don't leave your kids with the man who smells of booze" is one of those top ten parent rules, don't ya think?

[Kay in Cal]

Lol! You got me... I spent a minute going, "She isn't REALLY asking that question, is she?" :)

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I'll take "not on your life" for 300 Alex.

It really was a kind offer and no he isn't a mean drunk, but a drunk none the less.

I have heard enough stories here to know that my family is darn good so I am not complaining but I feel like I need to find a way to get through to my sis. I doubt she will feel the need to leave her kids so I think it will be fine but gee. :eek:

I think "Don't leave your kids with the man who smells of booze" is one of those top ten parent rules, don't ya think?

Oh, heck, I dunno, go for it!

He *might* be sober this week.

And you might reconsider your plan not to put that loaded gun in the kids' toy box. You're probably just being paranoid.

:eek:

:rolleyes:

:D

[PrairieAir]

Well, ya know, it all depends on the alcoholic. One of dh's uncles was an alcoholic. We might have left our kids with him. He didn't drink all the time. He would not have drank while responsible for children. He was not a mean drunk. He was a very good guy otherwise. Too bad he abused his body the way he did (with alcohol and not following a proper diet after learning he was diabetic) or he might still be with us. He was a very loving father and grandfather.

One of my uncles was an alcoholic. He died of cirrhosis of the liver. He was not a mean drunk either, but I would not have left my children with him. My mom did leave us with him on a few occasions and no harm befell us, but I still don't think it was wise.

[elegantlion]

My grandmother was an alcoholic. We were never left with her, but it made for some interesting family get togethers as she was the only family near us.

[hana]

While I definitely hope no one takes him up on it, I wonder if it might be one of his ways of trying to make amends within the family and to re-build relationships. I think that it must be difficult that he's tried to stop three times within two years, and clearly the family has watched earlier attempts fail. I will him well this time; I'm always the optimist.

[PariSarah]

Well, ya know, it all depends on the alcoholic. One of dh's uncles was an alcoholic. We might have left our kids with him. He didn't drink all the time. He would not have drank while responsible for children. He was not a mean drunk. He was a very good guy otherwise. Too bad he abused his body the way he did (with alcohol and not following a proper diet after learning he was diabetic) or he might still be with us. He was a very loving father and grandfather.

I have a relative that simply drinks more than he should, more often than he should. But he doesn't have any other "symptom" of alcoholism--no missed work, no medical problems, no violence, no irresponsibility, no drinking until he passes out, no drinking until he pukes. And, except for a brief stint with unemployment entirely unrelated to his drinking, he never drinks before dinner.

Is he an alcoholic? Probably. Would I leave my kids with him? Maybe not for an overnight, but during the day, for a couple of hours? Absolutely.

Maybe I'm just deluded, but I think it's possible--rare, but possible--for an alcoholic to be a reasonably competent, responsible adult when she's not drinking, and to recognize some times where she must not drink.

ETA: I think about this because I have another relative who never touched a drop in his life, but was a mean SOB that I would never, ever leave my kids with. It's interesting to compare these two relatives--one who has a problem that has no social manifestation other than a high grocery bill and a tendency to be rather happier than he ought while watching the Late Show, and another who has no official problem other than that he's a complete and utter . . . person of poor moral character.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I think it comes down to if the addicted person (alcoholic or not) is someone with good judgment. If that person has an addiction that over-rides all good judgment then that person has no business being in charge of children. Some people with addiction problems (esp. if they are advanced) have lost all judgment - something triggers their "need" for the addicting substance or activity and they respond. Some people have not advanced that far - they will respond only when it is "safe" to do so. Most of these people are the ones we say have a "problem" but we aren't so sure they are addicted because it hasn't affected their work, their family life etc.

Having said that, taking care of children can be pretty stressful! I wouldn't put someone with an addiction in a stressful situation. They might have good enough judgment to wait for the kids to be gone but if the stress level gets high enough it could send someone directly to the anesthesia of choice.

[Diana in OR]

As an overprotective, control freak mom, my vote is, Not a %#&!*# chance!

[Laura K (NC)]

Interesting... the last time I saw him was at a reunion a couple years ago. Had cirrhosis, diabetes, and looked 30 years older than he was. His wedding day was two months after the reunion, and he collapsed on the way out of the church and never regained consciousness.

It's such a terrible addiction. He tried very hard to break the habit and obviously was overpowered by the pull of the alcohol. He couldn't make sound judgments with regard to his own safety or the safety of anyone else. His fiance and his kids (and grandkids) loved him all the same, but there was nothing anyone could do to save him. There was no question of leaving him responsible for his grandchildren. Another adult was always nearby, allowing him to enjoy a relationship with them.

[scubamama]

This is all too familiar to me. MIL is an alcoholic but also a manipulative cruel person. I have tried over the last 10 years to maintain a relationship with her (dh never returns her calls,etc) thru episodes of her walking away from our then 2mo old son in his stroller at a crowded farmer's market to most recently telling us to abort our last child "it's too many kids" and then when she was born imperfect (facial birthmark) making many comments. Plus the almost constant gossip about me to others - I even got hatemail form one person! Naturally she denies all and sundry, even in the presence of witnesses... We just finally cut off contact. I am very conflicted about this decision. I think her drinking is only a small part of her personality...there's LOTS more going on here with her. A friend's dad was an alcoholic and he was usually drunk but a "good drinker" - i wouldn't leave my kids with either one! I bet you'll have lots of fun internal dialogue at the family reunion!
Michele

[Claire in NM]

Claire in NM

[Joanne]

I have a relative that simply drinks more than he should, more often than he should. But he doesn't have any other "symptom" of alcoholism--no missed work, no medical problems, no violence, no irresponsibility, no drinking until he passes out, no drinking until he pukes. And, except for a brief stint with unemployment entirely unrelated to his drinking, he never drinks before dinner.

Many alcoholics live their entire lives without missing work, no diagnosed medical problems, no violence, seemingly responsible in the ways our culture evaluates it, never pass out or puke. Indeed, I earned a couple of college degrees, Cum Laude, while working 20+ hours off campus during a large part of my alcoholic drinking.

Absolutely many alcoholics and their lives begin to accumulate the effects you mention; but many do not. Symptoms of alcoholism are more pervasive and sometimes more subtle.


Is he an alcoholic? Probably. Would I leave my kids with him? Maybe not for an overnight, but during the day, for a couple of hours? Absolutely.

Maybe I'm just deluded, but I think it's possible--rare, but possible--for an alcoholic to be a reasonably competent, responsible adult when she's not drinking, and to recognize some times where she must not drink.

I used to not drink when I couldn't drink the way I wanted: business parties, family situations, etc.

However, alcoholics' mind and thinking is warped - unless recovering - even when they aren't *drinking* at that moment. I do agree that they can be and often are people with common sense and could supervise a group of kids. But it's important to remember that their thinking is "off" unless a major, transformative change happens.