ok, I have another FAQ

[fishnoises]

How often do you allow your kids have play dates, or see their neighborhood friends?
One of the reason we hoemschool is becuase I do not want my children to be influenced by their peers. I know they will be to a certain extent, but I want them to be influenced by me for as long as I can make it possible! I also want them to experience boredom as a way to discover themselves and their creativity. The tv and computer a huge distractions for them during the winter months, and the summer is when they feel they can see their friends at any time. But I just feel in my heart that such dependancy can take away from exploring their own imaginations. And it also breaks up the bond between the sibling relationships. I know it is totally normal and good for kids to seek each other out, but I get soooo frustrated with the constant pleading to go to so-and-so's house or to have so-and-so sleepover.
I know families that have kids play dates and friends over every day! Homeschool or psers.
Am I being too unreasonable? I do let my two oldest visit their friends who live next door almost every day when they get home from school. But it annoys me so much. I do not know how to handle this.....
How do some of you deal with this???

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

How often do you allow your kids have play dates, or see their neighborhood friends?
One of the reason we hoemschool is becuase I do not want my children to be influenced by their peers. I know they will be to a certain extent, but I want them to be influenced by me for as long as I can make it possible! I also want them to experience boredom as a way to discover themselves and their creativity. The tv and computer a huge distractions for them during the winter months, and the summer is when they feel they can see their friends at any time. But I just feel in my heart that such dependancy can take away from exploring their own imaginations. And it also breaks up the bond between the sibling relationships. I know it is totally normal and good for kids to seek each other out, but I get soooo frustrated with the constant pleading to go to so-and-so's house or to have so-and-so sleepover.
I know families that have kids play dates and friends over every day! Homeschool or psers.
Am I being too unreasonable? I do let my two oldest visit their friends who live next door almost every day when they get home from school. But it annoys me so much. I do not know how to handle this.....
How do some of you deal with this???

I don't regulate time much. My mother did for me, and for no real reason -- it was her way of exerting power. (Not saying that's you.) I let them at it. The only thing I don't do is allow the visiting to interfere with schooling.

If I were wanting to regulate, though, I'd put a schedule on the fridge and let them know which days were "open" days for socializing outside the house and which days were "closed." If they begged and wheedled on closed days, they would earn another closed day that week, or probably as a first step an hour off their open day to be spent at home hanging out with me to "practice" proper communication skills. (That is, "not whining and begging" skills.)

Then they would know what to expect, I would be in charge of their schedules instead of the neighbor kids, and all would be right with the world.

And my breakdown would likely be 3 days closed, 4 days open were I to regulate it. That's how things naturally worked around here when the bigs were young.

[dangermom]

I try to do quite a lot. My kids are still young, 7 and 4. For the oldest, she has group classes 2x/week, homeschool parkday once a week, church (ours has an hour main service and then 2 hours of class with peers) and I would be happy if we played with friends most days of the week. In reality, I'm not quite sure how often she sees friends outside of activities--4x/week at least? We allow sleepovers but so far have only had a couple, and one resulted in insomnia, ack!

I like her friends; if I didn't think they were nice kids, we wouldn't be hanging out with them. I feel that she gets plenty of time in the family along with the time she has for friends, and also plenty of "bored" time; both girls have wonderful imaginations and use them constantly.

If you're looking to limit time, I think the "closed/open days" idea is a good one. You might also think about limiting screen-time in favor of bored-time?

[WTMindy]

We do not do a ton of play-dates and we don't have any neighborhood kids around. My kids play with their cousins quite a bit and we have one other family from church (who are also homeschooled, but that doesn't really matter) who will take our kids home from church or vise versa for a couple of hours. Other than that, I make no efforts for playdates! My kids do attend a co-op two days a week, so they get some social interaction there.

[pixelroper]

we have slots for
'social' time: 1 afternoon/week
clubs: 1@1/wk, 1@1/month
lessons: up to 3/week.

I find then if something comes up- as long as all chores have been done regularly, all school work has been done well, etc. I can allow an exception.
and/or
figure what a good balancing compromise would be- you happy, kids happy, good opportunity to practice the art of compromise and making compelling arguments (as long as the children understand you are the parent & have final say)

[Amy in Orlando]

How often do you allow your kids have play dates, or see their neighborhood friends?

Am I being too unreasonable? I do let my two oldest visit their friends who live next door almost every day when they get home from school. But it annoys me so much. I do not know how to handle this.....
How do some of you deal with this???

What about your kids playing with the neighbors annoys you so much?

Our experience, and I will admit to being extraordinarily lucky living in my neighborhood, has been we don't do much as far as playdates (or didn't when my older kids were young). Neighbors? We've gotten to know ours fairly well over the years and I'm fine with my son (mostly my youngest) playing with his neighborhood friends once his own schoolwork is done - not everyday, but probably 3-5 days out of seven. But, my son's friends' parents and I are mostly on the same page. We expect the kids to play outside 95% of the time. The game systems and computers are saved for when it's simply too hot here to play or if it's just too nasty to expect them to be outside.

My older sons have made many friends through Scouts and church. Most of them live within a reasonable bike-ride. Again, we've come to know the parents. My older boys may not visit their friends if their parents aren't home (all of my older boys' friends are either public/private schooled and all but one is home alone for 3-4 hours after school each day) but their friends are always welcomed here. Their friends (16,15,14,13 yr old boys mostly) know the house rules and play by them. They will help me unload groceries, take out trash, change toilet paper rolls (lol). They generally play basketball or some kind of "ball" game outside. I keep drinks and snacks available. Every now and then, they'll head inside and bake - weird, I know.

I guess what I'm asking is what do you want? What is your biggest fear? What annoys you so much? I like for my kids (and me, frankly) to feel part of the neighborhood. My kids spend far more time with me and dh than they do with their peers so them being overly influenced isn't really an issue. Even the older boys, after being homeschooled (and just having involved parents) are not that strongly influenced by their peers. In fact, I would say it works in the opposite direction.

And, in terms of siblings being friends, I think simply homeschooling is a HUGE step. My boys might beat each other up all day long and they can be mean to each other, but God help the first "outsider" that is mean to one of them. They take care of each other when it really comes down to it. AND, the older three are much older than their little brother, but they are the best big brothers in the world. They watch out for him and stand up for him if he needs it.

Good luck figuring out your own situation.

[fishnoises]

I am not sure Amy, what annoys me so much! My kids are very active...the oldest is in a dance ministry at church, and she is on the preteam gymnastics team. She helps out at chruch im childcare at my Bible study and at MOPS. She does not have many friends at all, and is not terribly friendly. She is a little mature for her age and doesn't goof off like the other girls (so the adults love her and the girls are a little wary of her unless they get to know her.)
My son is in Scouts, upward basketball and archery. He is with boys his age 4-5 days a week or more. My 3rd dd goes to her friends house about 3-4 times a month. She is 6 and is starting to get invited to playdates more often.
I guess, as I sit here, I feel things getting out of control. We are a SOOOO busy. I want the kids to have down times, and there never seems to be any. And when we do have one they are so bored!!!! I do not want the kids to think their lives need to be filled with activity and to really on others to fill that void. Does that make sense? We all need to socailize and connect, but we also, I think need to tone it down and rest and listen to what God is trying to tell us. It is almost impossible to do so when there is always so much noise!
I do like the schedule idea though. That would work for me!!!

[A home for their hearts]

This is one of the main reason I pulled my kids out of school. I didn't want them to be indoctrinated anymore into this society then need-be. I hate all the social cliques in school, and I was seeing it in my dd first grade class! She still attends brownies through the school she attended, which is something I allowed her to continue since I knew my social butterfly still needed to see the light of day LOL I really don't get too anal about it, but I don't go out of my way making play dates. We have some kids in our neighborhood, a few I could do without, and they can play with them if the time is right. Some of the kids I'm not too crazy about but I see it as a learning tool to use for my dc. One of the things that has been driving me crazy lately is this webkinz craze! My dd has 3, and one neighbor girl of ours has 17, and the other has 20 something. My dd keeps saying I want more webkinz! This is one of the things I really wanted to avoid with school, but I guess somethings just can't be avoided. Well, that's just my 2 cents !

[Mrs. H.]

We live out in the country, and except for baseball in the summer, family get-togethers (holidays), and Sunday School, my kids never play with children outside the house. There aren't any other kids around us, and they don't seem to be suffering from any type of anti-social disorder as a result. When we are around other kids, they have fun and are social. When we're at home, they play together or do their own thing. Complaining of boredom translates to mom-speech as 'Send me outside to pick up sticks or rake leaves.' I don't have too much trouble with kids being bored. We have five acres to run on, bikes, dirt to play in, books to read, things to knit, origami to make, and lots of bugs and frogs to catch.

If I were you, I'd let the kids be bored for awhile, or give them a chore if they complain. Their social lives seem to be plenty full, in my opinion.

[Mom2legomaniacs]

I try to let them have play time whenever possible. I think it is very important to know how to interact with their peer group in a social setting. I want them to have friends and to be kids. I try to not over-schedule them but to allow that free play time. When they are playing with their friends, the usual course of play is imaginative play. This has been great for sending their brains in the creative realm. They are relying on nothing but what is in their heads for ideas for play.

I don't let them have screen time often. I much prefer them to be physical -- riding bikes, running around the yard and such. They do not sit around at the computer or watch tv with their friends. They truly play -- which I love!

As home schoolers, the majority of their influence is their family. I feel they are getting a solid foundation with that. There is no reason, for us, to keep them away from their friends as long as the friendships are healthy ones.

[3lilreds in NC]

I have found that when they do play with the neighbors, they come home with some.... interesting things. I've had to have more than one discussions with them saying things like "Just because they do this does not make it OK, and I don't want to hear you saying things like that." And then we talk about why it's not appropriate. Thankfully, the neighbors aren't around much. None of them are homeschooled and all come from divorced parents so at most we see them every other weekend. I love the kids, I really do, just not what they bring home from school, if you KWIM.

My girls do dance, gymnastics and horse riding lessons. We didn't do co-op this year because of when Schmooey was born; we wouldn't be doing so many other things if we were. They see friends at church on Sunday. We have one standing play date per week, and one other family we try to see fairly often. That's all though. We're considering Classical Conversations for next year, and that will mean cutting back on the other activities.

I don't like tons of playdates and I don't like to run around like a crazy person. The baby needs naps and I need to make sure he gets them. That necessarily limits our schedule for the next couple of years.

My kids are occasionally bored, but truly, they have more toys than they know what to do with and I remind them to play with them. Also, they can go outside. Living in NC, it's rare that there is a day that's too cold or whatever for being outside. I feel so blessed when I talk to people in Chicago who are fighting the winter blahs!

I guess what I'm saying is, IMO, let the kids have down time. If they are bored and choose to spend their time feeling bored instead of finding something to do, that's their choice. You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting some time at home.

[Amy loves Bud]

Much the same as Amy here, though our kids are younger. I will say we are very lucky in our neighborhood to have many like-minded families (we do a Bible study with 5 of them each week, vacation together, etc.). Our kids play almost daily with the neighborhood kids. I find that since they can't play until around 4 because they are in a public or private school setting, that the time they play is naturally limited.

I've also found that our house tends to be the gathering spot 3 out of 4 times. Which is great by me - I can listen in and I have a good idea of what is going on with whom.

That said, there are a couple of kids with whom I am more cautious , and I will limit, in a round-about way, the time my kids are with them. With these kids it is ALWAYS at our house and not theirs.

I feel like the beauty of homeschooling is that Bud and I *are* the primary influences in their lives, and we have the freedom to let them have a very active social life without that being threatened.

[Ellie]

We rarely ever had "play dates." I had never even heard that term until I started hanging out on the Internet:)

There were a scant few neighborhood dc, including some other hsed dc for the first year we hsed, and my dc played with them when we weren't doing something else (sometimes I was glad we hsed year-round, because it was a good excuse for my dc not to be able to play with them!). We went to a park day once a month, and eventually had some friends in the support group that we met with ocassionally...but not for a "play date."

[Tracey in TX]

I regulate only according to our schedules (sports, homework, etc). We used to have Fun Friday when each child had a playdate. It was crazy fun! Our schedule doesn't allow this anymore.

We fit in what we can, but the children have natural playmates in their siblings. I don't want to eliminate their outside friendships, but do want to deepen the sibling bonds.