Enforcing painful consequences

[momee]

Bummer.
My dh set a reasonable very clear expectation before my son with a very clear consequence should he break this requirement.

DH repeatedly asked ds if he understood it, asked if there were any problems with it and told ds he was not to do this.

Well, wouldn't you know I catch him doing that exact thing this am. DS just stood with his hands over his face looking up to the celing. He knew he'd been "busted". He also knows the reality of the consequence.

I need to hear some encouraging experiences when you've had to follow through on a painful consequence.

BTW, this was set up as a deterrent as a result of his breaking this rule before AND we gave him another chance by laying this line down. I know we can't go back on our word at this point - it's just very hard!
Stink, stink, stinker kid!
Sin, sin, sinning kid - just like me I know...

[Laura Corin]

I recommend the book Hold On To Your Kids if you are looking for other ways of looking at discipline.

Best wishes

Laura

[Beth in Central TX]

I've found that my boys learn more from consequences than from grace. I'm the same way too though. Following through is necessary for them to learn from the experience, but it is the hardest part of being a parent.

Take care,

[angela in ohio]

You can do it!! My parents never followed through, and I had to learn that there are actually consequences for actions after I left home, when there was a lot more to lose. I wish, wish, wish they had stuck with it.

If parenting is hard and inconvenient, you're doing it right!!!!

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Bummer.
My dh set a reasonable very clear expectation before my son with a very clear consequence should he break this requirement.

DH repeatedly asked ds if he understood it, asked if there were any problems with it and told ds he was not to do this.

Well, wouldn't you know I catch him doing that exact thing this am. DS just stood with his hands over his face looking up to the celing. He knew he'd been "busted". He also knows the reality of the consequence.

I need to hear some encouraging experiences when you've had to follow through on a painful consequence.



Oh, knowing there are consequences and that they will be enforced is what has contributed in a large part to my kids feeling safe at home and in the world. That said, I have always reserved the right to express genuine sorrow that my kids have found themselves in whatever situation it is that they are in. I let them know how sad I am for them. (Which is different than how disappointed I am *in* them.)

Some of the times in their lives that has meant tears on my part, sometimes just a kind word of sympathy. But it goes a long, long way in keeping the relationship intact. Lets them know we've all been there and that they are not alone.

Also meant to say -- you're doing them a great favor by giving them a safe place to fail, take the consequences, and move on with their lives.

[sdWTMer]

Oooh. That post was your "666" post.

;-)

[PariSarah]

Mercy is not itself that often appears, or some such?

Yes, we've been in this position before. It's not fun. But parenting isn't for wusses. If you're sure your expectations were reasonable and the discipline fair, have at it. You're not doing him any favors by failing to train him while he's still young. He won't remember this in five years, but if you don't do it, you might be in a very bad place in five years.

[angela in ohio]

He won't remember this in five years, but if you don't do it, you might be in a very bad place in five years.

Will someone PLEASE give PariSarah some positive rep for me. That's the second post this morning I've wanted to give it on, but I used it up the other day. :D

[PariSarah]

Oh, knowing there are consequences and that they will be enforced is what has contributed in a large part to my kids feeling safe at home and in the world.
. . . .snip . . .
Also meant to say -- you're doing them a great favor by giving them a safe place to fail, take the consequences, and move on with their lives.

You know what, this is so, so true.

I have a few friends who are just incapable of exercising authority in their own home. One of them thinks it's immoral, and the other two or three are just squeamish. I'm not talking people who have different parenting styles than mine. I'm talking, the one friend thinks that saying "No" is child abuse. He's literally said that to me: "How can you tell Isaac 'No' like that? It's child abuse!" In all seriousness.

But the problem is that their kids will never have an experience of healthy authority. So they won't ever know the difference between authority being exercised well and cruel, vindictive, self-serving abuses of power. That's a dangerous situation to be in. The chances become astronomical that 1) they will themselves become abusers of power or 2) they will be attracted to those who exercise power wrongly.

[PariSarah]

http://www.33smiley.com/smiley/love/14.gif

You're a sweetie!

[Janet in WA]

I don't really need to know the offense, but I'd want to know more about the "painful consequence" before I could encourage you to follow through on it. Just making the consequence clear to the child doesn't make it a good one. Some of our most preventable parenting mistakes are made because we feel we can't "go back on our word".

That said, if the consequence is reasonable, then by all means, you have my encouragement to follow through this time.

[Beth in Central TX]

That's okay. My phone exchange use to begin with a 666-. My mom absolutely hated it. I finally convinced my dad to preprogram their phone with a speed dial number; that way I wouldn't have to hear how much she disliked our phone number each time we talked. Luckily, we moved and my new exchange is not "demonic" anymore... Her advice always cracked me up though: "Just call them up and have them change it." Uh, yeah, mom, I'll get right on it, and they'll change the whole area just for me.

[Tammy]

I agree!

[Mom2legomaniacs]

It does stink to have to follow through with things sometimes. I especially hate when it totally messes up personal plans of my own. Hasn't happened often, but it is a pain. Kids were supposed to do a fun thing with dh. Then one lost the privilege and had to stay home with me. Well, I had to cancel my "me" time in the process. Yep, painful for all involved.

[readwithem]

He'll learn that you mean what you say.

So when you say you love him, you mean it. When you say you will be there for him, you mean it.

It goes both ways.

I know it's still hard....

[CookieMonster]

But the problem is that their kids will never have an experience of healthy authority. So they won't ever know the difference between authority being exercised well and cruel, vindictive, self-serving abuses of power. That's a dangerous situation to be in. The chances become astronomical that 1) they will themselves become abusers of power or 2) they will be attracted to those who exercise power wrongly.


Amen! Amen! Amen!

[Lisa in Jax]

Bummer.
My dh set a reasonable very clear expectation before my son with a very clear consequence should he break this requirement.

DH repeatedly asked ds if he understood it, asked if there were any problems with it and told ds he was not to do this.

Well, wouldn't you know I catch him doing that exact thing this am. DS just stood with his hands over his face looking up to the celing. He knew he'd been "busted". He also knows the reality of the consequence.

I need to hear some encouraging experiences when you've had to follow through on a painful consequence.

BTW, this was set up as a deterrent as a result of his breaking this rule before AND we gave him another chance by laying this line down. I know we can't go back on our word at this point - it's just very hard!
Stink, stink, stinker kid!
Sin, sin, sinning kid - just like me I know...
Momee,

You're doing the right thing.

This has been an issue with my younger two kids (from India) on an on-going basis. They CONSTANTLY test rules, and they ALWAYS get a consequence when I catch them. It's hard to follow through every single time, but they need the structure.

I tell them that they can learn how to follow rules now, from a loving mom who wants them to grow up to be responsible members of society, or they can learn the lessons as adults. Of course, as adults, if they break laws, there are much bigger consequences for them. So, as a loving mom, I work to teach them to while the consequences are minor so that they don't have to learn this stuff later, the hard way.

You feel "mean," but you're actually being KIND. Loving parents teach their children how to follow rules.

Hugs,

Lisa

[momee]

So with some time to think on it I don't see how we cannot follow through.

I explained to ds I wasn't upset with him personally but very upset with his choice to engage in this behavior yet again after being warned repeatedly. I expressed disappointment in his reaction to being caught also. No remorse, but blaming us that we never said such a consequence. LIE.

Later on though he said he knows he was wrong and though he doesn't think it's fair he knows the deal. No tantrum or yelling, he definitely knows he did wrong.

Anyway, I can see this is clearly time for us to stick to our guns. BUT wouldn't you know dh calls and says maybe we should let him have one more chance.:rolleyes:

I told him this was a conversation for him to be home and thinking logically, not at work reacting off the cuff. Oh boy is parenting hard!!!!!!!
Thanks for your replies and encouragement. This isn't a consequence that really affects us, just him. Mainly his social/recreational outlet which stinks cuz he loved and greatly benefitted from the activity!
Dang it~~~~~

[Valerie(TX)]

You are doing the right thing! Truly! Press on, and it will be one valuable lesson learned!

At the moment, one of my children is in the midst of a much needed refresher course on consequences. In addition dh and are also thinking about consequences for a serious infraction, so after you are finished with the bottle of spine strengthener, please send it back, as I am going to need it this weekend when the other shoe drops. :eek:

I can't imagine where we'd be without the discipline and consistency that have already been laid down...it's hard enough as is.

V

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

So with some time to think on it I don't see how we cannot follow through.

I explained to ds I wasn't upset with him personally but very upset with his choice to engage in this behavior yet again after being warned repeatedly. I expressed disappointment in his reaction to being caught also. No remorse, but blaming us that we never said such a consequence. LIE.

Later on though he said he knows he was wrong and though he doesn't think it's fair he knows the deal. No tantrum or yelling, he definitely knows he did wrong.

Anyway, I can see this is clearly time for us to stick to our guns. BUT wouldn't you know dh calls and says maybe we should let him have one more chance.:rolleyes:

I told him this was a conversation for him to be home and thinking logically, not at work reacting off the cuff. Oh boy is parenting hard!!!!!!!
Thanks for your replies and encouragement. This isn't a consequence that really affects us, just him. Mainly his social/recreational outlet which stinks cuz he loved and greatly benefitted from the activity!
Dang it~~~~~

If you find another incidence where you have to tell him a consequence, I recommend putting it in writing, having him sign it, and sticking it on the refrigerator.

[Joanne]

I'd encourage you (or anyone) to consider limiting consequences to those that are related, reasonable and respectful.

As such, I'd need to know what the (repeated) offense was.

Kudos for trying to be concious, engaged parents.