I recently ran across this article in the New York Times: “The Parent Problem in Young Adult Lit” (by Julie Just). It made me think, and I’m wondering what your reactions might be.
Here’s an excerpt….
Judging from The New York Times children’s best-seller list and librarian-approved selections like the annual “Best Books for Young Adults,” the bad parent is now enjoying something of a heyday. It would be hard to come up with an exact figure from the thousands of Y.A. novels published every year, but what’s striking is that some of the most sharply written and critically praised works reliably feature a mopey, inept, distracted or ready-for-rehab parent, suggesting that this has become a particularly resonant figure….
Sometimes the parents are very, very busy, and sometimes they’ve simply checked out. The husband of the accident-prone mother is never home at night. It’s not that he’s with another woman; he’s working late at the Johns Hopkins bio lab. In Laurie Halse Anderson’s best-selling “Wintergirls,” about a dangerously anorexic high school senior, the mom is a sought-after surgeon too pressed to notice that her malnourished daughter is a bit shorter than she was four years earlier.
Like the clownish adults on the Disney Channel or “Modern Family,” the not-in-charge, curiously diminished parent is just sort of there, part of the scenery. You can even spot the type in three best- selling fantasy series: “Twilight,” “Shiver” and “The Hunger Games.” In “Twilight,” the only reason Bella meets the supernaturally good-looking Edward in the first place is that she has moved to her father’s place in gloomy Forks, Wash.; that way, her mother can follow around after her new husband, a minor-league ballplayer. “I stared at her wild, childlike eyes. How could I leave my loving, erratic hare-brained mother to fend for herself?” (Edward’s own parents are charming, competent and rich, but they are vampires.)
Afflicted by anomie, sitting down to another dismal meal or rushing out the door to a meeting, the hapless parents of Y.A. fiction are slightly ridiculous. They put in an appearance at the stove and behind the wheel of the car, but you can see right through them….
(I’ve noticed this in the books my kids bring home. The actually absent parent, once replaced by crotchety elderly relatives–Aunts Spiker and Sponge, for example, in James and the Giant Peach–are now more likely to be physically present but incompetent. Anyway, Ms. Just continues…)
You have to wonder how the distracted, failing parent became such a ubiquitous image in pop culture. In Neil Gaiman’s novel “Coraline,” from 2002, the lonely title character wanders into danger in a creepy new house because the parents are busy and preoccupied. “Go away,” the father says cheerfully the minute she appears. This theme was made more explicit in the 2009 movie version, in which both parents seem to be transfixed by their computers. “Hey Mom, where does this door go?” Coraline asks, and her mother replies without looking away from the monitor: “I’m really, really busy.” Near-fatal adventures ensue with terrifying “other parents” in the alternate world behind the door — who begin by offering Coraline delicious meals and toys, but actually want to turn her into a kind of soulless rag doll with button eyes — because the real parents are on deadline writing a gardening catalog….
Many contemporary young adult novels seem to reflect genuine confusion over what the job of parent consists of, beyond keeping kids fed and safe. This isn’t surprising, after a decade in which “overparenting” became almost a badge of honor and you could sign a child up for a clay-modeling class only to find that you, too, were expected to stay and make coil pots. The Mommy & Me trend helps explain the baffling numbers from a report, published in 2006, that found working mothers were managing to spend about the same amount of time per week with their children as stay-at-home mothers did 40 years ago. In those days they said “Go play” rather than “Go away,” but the comparison surely says something about the expectations of both groups.
So what, you’re wondering, does this have to do with home schooling? We’re not distracted, failing parents. We’re not pushing our kids away because we’re busy writing gardening catalogs. In fact, we’re spending more time with them. They’re here, in our houses, all day.
Still, the article has made me consider my parenting style a little more closely. Mostly, I wonder if I play with my children enough: hang out with them, play games, sit in the yard and blow dandelions?
We are together so much, working on school-related tasks, that when we’re done with school I generally say, “OK, everybody outside to play!” and they storm off with great enthusiasm to go…do whatever they do out there. (Hit things with sticks, mostly, I think.) And usually I don’t go outside to play with them; I clean up the kitchen or put some laundry in or vacuum dog hair off the furniture. Or catch up on some professional work.
Keeping kids fed and safe is no small matter, but as a home schooling parent I add “and making them literate” to that list. (And training their characters, of course, and all of that good stuff.)
But what about “keeping them entertained”? I think we can all agree that we shouldn’t overparent by filling every minute of the day with a planned activity–but does “go play” equal “go away”? Should I add a little more purposeful mommy-playtime to our days? (And if I do, who will vacuum the dog hair off the furniture?)
What do you think, home educating parents? Do you play with your kids less than you might if they were in school? Or more? And although you probably wouldn’t send your kid through a mysterious door into a creepy land because you’re writing a garden catalog, do you ever look up from your curriculum planning and wonder whether you’re paying enough attention to the children you’re planning for?
I have no well-thought-out philosophy to conclude this post. I’m just contemplating, and wondering if the same thoughts ever occupy your mind. And if you’d like to share them.
I think kids these days suffer more from too much attention being paid to them rather than not enough. We’re raising self-centered, over-achieving, high-strung kids because we don’t tell them to just “go play” enough. That said, I think it all comes down to the state of my heart. Am I telling them to “go play” because I’m annoyed & distracted with other things? Or am I telling to to “go play” because it’s good for them to know that life is not centered around their happiness?
The same thoughts often occupy my mind.
We do a lot of play time on the weekends – when I imagine traditional-classroomers play as well. But I too, in the afternoons, say “go play” – especially when it’s as pretty outside as it has been lately.
One thing we’ve been doing this spring is after supper is ready, but before we eat, taking a stroll around the neighborhood. This is not exercise for us (6 and 3 year olds, plus a baby in a stroller don’t lend themselves to power walking), but more of a time for us to ‘play’ as a family – a time that doesn’t have to wait until the weekend.
I think the parent play time is important. But what the Mommy and Me crew have not treasured is the idea that play time away from parents is equally important. And for those of us educating at home, those times may be even fewer and far between. And if you don’t believe that those two types of times are different – spy on your kids sometime. It’s hysterical.
I think that it might be a valid point. I think that there are times when “go play” is the same as “go away”. However, I think that leaving one’s children to find their own amusements and entertainment is a far cry from the neglect that is being depicted in these novels. Being able to entertain one’s self is actually a valuable life skill! And I think that having free time, away from the constant supervision of an adult is important for kids.
There is a time and a place to share recreation and leisure time with the kids, and it should be something to include during the day and week. It can’t be all work and no fun with Mom. But that’s not the same as being in on every game of Hide and Seek or My Little Ponies.
I’ll jump. There’s nothing new in this world. Stories of missing parents are as old as Grimm’s fairy tales and older still. No adventure happens with Mom and Dad protecting you from harm. The careless, preoccupied parents from modern YA novels are simply the newest iteration of that ancient theme, in a modern style, but unchanged.
I have similar misgivings, and I’d venture that many homeschooling parents fall prey to similar patterns of behavior, because we are the kind of people who are not satisfied with the status quo. We don’t want any old education for our kids, we want the best. Playground moral codes are unsatisfactory. People like us don’t value play enough perhaps. I know I worry at times about the workaholic tendencies of my 16 yo, but, he comes by it honestly!
I have personally tried to combat this problem by working harder to spend time with them, just playing and hanging out. The result is a messy, slightly chaotic household. But, they seem happy enough and why should I care if there is cat hair on the couch-no one else does. For me, I have decided that they care more if I play with them than if the house is spic and span at all times.
I also have the benefit of coming to this place from a former life in which I worked during the week, so I know exactly what those statistics mean-the ones that point out that working parents spend as much time with children as SAHMs did in the 50′s. I remember the serious efforts I made to set aside lots of time to “just play” with my children so that they would not suffer the awful fate of being overscheduled and overparented. I do think though that I don’t try as hard as I did when they were away in school all day. Got to work on that! At this point, I am just trying to listen to them, really listen, play as often as I can, and keep school as short as possible.
Sure, I’ll share. Why not? I’m in here at the computer while they do math, practice piano, read and wander around.
I swing like a pendulum between these two schools of thought all the time. Yes, I spend more time with them, but not my unstructured time. I do let them see me having down time, drinking coffee and reading a magazine or book. I don’t often allow them to spend my down time with me. Mainly because my “up” time is spent on them. They are my work right now. I try to talk to them about the rhythms of a day, periods of activity and loudness followed by periods of silence and contemplation. But I think they see right through me. They know I need a break. Isn’t that a valid lesson to be teaching future adults? That sometimes you need a break? My breaks are spent on healthy activities. I’m not drinking my lunch and passing out on the sofa. I don’t turn on the tv until all of the day’s work is done after they are in bed. (If you’re reading this and you do turn on the tv, that’s okay with me. I just can’t remember to turn it back off. I have learned that the hard way.)
The question I always come back to is “Has this ever been any different?” Weren’t the parents in Jane Austen novels, for instance, vapid and floating with occasional instances of humor and wisdom? Pioneer parents worked all day for survival. Sure, they played the fiddle at night, right before bedtime if our books can be believed. Well, we read aloud before bed most of the time. Would we be playing together more if, instead of paying bills on the computer, I was chopping firewood for the winter? I doubt it. I think I would fall asleep during the fiddle-playing. Except I would have been mending our one outfit each. Maybe I could talk to them while I chopped firewood, but I bet they would still wander around after they fed the chickens or whatever. Surely one lesson of all parents everywhere throughout history is that the work has to be done. (Are we chronological snobs that we think we can do something differently? We know better, and we can afford more outfits, so we ought to be able to . . . I’m not classically taught; I’m just guessing.)
I picture Susanna Wesley putting her apron over her head to pray. Sometimes you just need a break from the people in your life so that you will enjoy them again later. The right kind of absence can make the heart grow fonder. Isn’t this an important message for people who will, hopefully, one day have college roommates and spouses and children?
I think about this when I give them their lunch and then read or check email while they eat. I guess I should be eating with them. But weren’t Victorian homeschoolers in the nursery with the governess? They came down to say goodnight while the parents dined alone. My mother used to set us up with dinner and the Cosby show at the kitchen bar while my dad was working late. She would lean back in her chair and dose off. Full of my teenage wisdom I would think, “When I have a family we will all eat dinner together whether we are all present or not.” Boy, do I feel sheepish.
I know that there are times I miss an important teaching moment or hurt their feelings, but the children sure hurt my feelings too. Often when I have a stroke of wisdom to share I can’t get their eyes to focus on my face. And I think that if ever they do have spouses or children of their own, they will remember me sitting unresponsive, gripping my coffee cup for dear life, and it will all become clear. That image will come back to them when they’re so tired they can’t see straight and they may want to blow dandelions, but the dresser drawers are empty and the bills are due. I hope they will remember me with compassion, and then grant themselves a little compassion too. With their cup of coffee.
And now we’re off to the library!
i may have to print this out and keep it tacked up somewhere for frequent reference! a much needed breath of fresh air after a long day!!! wishing you were my next door neighbor :)
Love this comment!!
I have thought of this. Many times. I find myself looking past them rather than engaging with them. And I hate it….I have to literally train myself over again and look them in the eyes (like my husband & I so diligently taught them to do when they were little!) and engage fully with what they are wanting to ask or talk about. My problem is that I am not a verbal processor nor a big talker in the regular course of a day, so by 3 or 4 pm, at the end of our school day, I am done. And it seems like each year (this is our 8th), it gets earlier! Not sure how to solve this one…but I do know that I don’t want any regrets as I look back to this incredible time with our kids.
…..I’m still thinking….for me, it seems like it comes down to love. I may be giving them an excellent education, but am I loving them while I’m doing it? Love seems to be a good conduit to happiness.
I have certainly had the same question you are asking. I am not sure what the right answer is.
I do know there is another side to the coin; the side that says that children need to know their parents are humans with their own lives andi nterests outside of them (they are not the totality of the universe). For example, I, too, spend hours schooling my children during the day. This is time I connect with them and we talk about what is going on in their lives as well as school work. But when the school day is done I go do the same kind of thing you do. I am there and supervising my children, but not directly “playing” with them. This may be allowing them to grow up indepent and resourceful, where if I played with them on top of the hours of school time I spend with them, I think I might be smothering them emotionally. “Go Play” can be in the same room I am in (and often is). If they are out of hearing for very long I miss them and go looking for them (even my 18yo). So we are together, but each expanding as an individual at the same time. Most days, this looks healthiest to me, but I do have moments of doubt; moments when I think I should play with them more too. I guess we won’t really know until they are grown.
I might play with them less than I would if they weren’t home all the time. I do worry about that a bit. There was that one time when I was working on a great sewing project–I think it was dresses for them (I have 2 girls) and they were interrupting me a lot. My feeling was “Leave me alone so I can work on this to show you how much I love you!” Yeah, probably not the best parenting moment, but I didn’t say it!
I have a definite tendency to pick planning curriculum over playing with the kids, unless I try to be aware and work on it. But it also gets all tangled up with the part where I need personal downtime too, and reading, sewing, and coveting curriculum are all major relaxing activities for me.
I have one at home and one in a private school. When DD gets home, I definitely try to make the time to do things with her because I have guilt that DS has been home all day. DS and I have projects in progress almost constantly and will have field trips that DD doesn’t get to go on. He and I can discuss books or look at web sites together, too. And I feel that DD misses out on that.
On the other hand, they don’t WANT me to come play with them half the time. If I walk out the back door while they’re playing in the yard, I wind up sitting and watching. If someone suggests a game to play together, it might last all of 10 minutes. If I wander down the hall to check on what they’re doing, I’m informed and dismissed. I have to either A) work out very specific things to do like spraying shaving cream into pans for fun and actively participating by choice, or B) be happy with the 10 minutes I get. And my kids aren’t that old, either – 7 and 5. I’m happy that they are learning to be independent and have their own creative ideas and their own stories about their childhood. I don’t think I’ll ever be as absent as the parents in Coraline or Twilight, but if I’m just the background person who sometimes gets invited, I’ll be happy.
I think :)
I have been thinking quite a bit about this very topic recently. My husband travels often. I am not only mommy, teacher, nurse, chief-cook-and-bottle washer, but oftentimes the daddy-figure too. I realized one day that I don’t know my youngest daughter (4yo) like I did her siblings at the same age. I realized that I am more often wanting peace and quiet at the expense of playing and enjoying my children. And that was the “light bulb moment” for me. I want to enjoy them, not just work for them. I don’t want to feel that there is a certain time of the day when I can say, “Okay, we’ve completed everything on my To-Do list, now leave me alone.” I have found that when I am more willing to say yes to another game of Old Maid, even when I’m exhausted at the end of the day, we become more energized. I’ve shared a moment and made a memory. The laughter of my children when we’re playing make the sacrifice of my time and the delayed deadlines far less daunting. It somehow puts our lives in perspective. What are we really here for if not relationships? How important is that meeting, clean floors, or an extra page of grammar when compared with making sure my children know that I love them, appreciate them, and genuinely enjoy them? It has been a wonderful revelation for me.
I am so okay with “Go play!” In my experience that teaches them how to become independent. Even though that’s tough to hear, isn’t that our goal as parents? Independence.
I don’t equate independence with abandonment. I also don’t think that I am a child anymore. I’m not as much fun to play with as another child for my daughter. It doesn’t mean I don’t love her or that she doesn’t love me. It also doesn’t mean we don’t get silly quite often….it just means I can’t sustain that amazing level of imagination she so effortlessly achieves. We just are members of different clubs (me the Boring Club and her the Amazing Imaginative Club). That’s a good thing.
That being said, I don’t think I play with her any more or less because of homeschooling. However I certainly interact with her a lot more. I also have lots more of those accidental moments of connection. I would trade those for the world. In turn, I think those moments of connectedness help build her confidence so she is brave enough to play hard when she is told to “Go play!”
In regards to young adult lit; don’t all stories need a conflict? Isn’t the biggest conflict in young adults breaking away from their parents? How better to express that than to have the absent parent? I think that the theme speaks to kids’ fantasies about being independent. Plus, in reality, most parents (hopefully) intervene in time to make the stories worth telling mundane. And no one wants to hear a mundane story….unless you’re a parent….then you pray for the mundane!
I was just describing this post to my husband. He made the point about independence, then, I looked back at the screen and read your comment. Well said Melanie!
I don’t think “Go play” = “Go away.” I don’t remember my mom playing with me much, but I never thought of her as not there or not available. She was involved in my life in many ways, she just wasn’t a “playing” mom. I’m not really either. I do play card and board games with my kids, but unstructured “play” is not my best talent. I read to my kids a lot. I think they will remember me being there with them, even if I wasn’t playing with them.
These same thoughts occupy my mind on an almost daily basis…it is possible to be at home physically, but have our hearts elsewhere – I’ve proven that! It is a constant struggle to really ‘be’ with the kiddos, not just be in the same vicinity or under the same roof or within ear shot. To really engage them in what they’re into – whether it’s Legos, Littlest Pet Shop animals, etc. I am by no means advocating a ‘child-centered’ home environment, or catering to every whim and fancy. But I am being challenged freshly by the things I do throughout the day – computer work, household chores, home educating/teaching, character issues – which are all good, necessary, and part of God’s call on my life, and how to balance that with loving my family in things other than the logistics of running our household. I have definitely grown in this area by God’s grace. Daily struggle and asking for the Lord’s help in this area! Great post, thanks!
Popped into my brain AFTER I clicked on Submit… : )
It’s amazing what taking the time from the ‘have-to’ get done to put a puzzle together, or play a quick game of chess has done! It has meant the world to my kids these past few weeks where, in the midst of a ‘busy’ day, we stop and do something fun!!! Not something I think would be fun, but something they would enjoy doing…it has blessed them immensely, and done wonders for mommy as well!!!
As a parent in a FUNCTIONAL family, I admit I pre-read much of what I offer my kids to steer clear of themes and topics I don’t think they’re mature enough for.
I have been thinking about this topic lately from a slightly different angle. I recently attended the first meeting of a girls book club with my three daughters (ages 8-11). The hosting mother and daughter also homeschool, but no one else there does. Each mother voiced a desire to have their daughters participate, but weren’t sure how they could fit one more activity into an already crowded schedule – swimming, soccer, karate, girl scouts and more. My four children (I also have a 13b) often complain when no friends are available to play in the afternoons. I truly feel sorry for my kids who will never have what I had as a kid. My street was regularly the base for hide-and-seek, kick the can, frisbee golf, etc. Often our mothers would call us in for dinner and we would wolf down our food before returning to play outside until dark. Games were never pre-planned and there were no adult referees. Our mothers would regularly help each other with school pick-ups and childcare for appointments. Kids today have “play dates,” a phrase unheard of in my childhood. Every thing is scheduled – kids play sports on teams rather than as part of a pick-up game in the neighborhood, kids don’t just walk to their friends’ houses to see if they’re available, they are scheduled in advance.
I remember spending hours playing around the neighborhood and I’m sure my mother had no idea exactly where I was. At the same time, I have fond memories of family activities with my parents and two siblings. It never entered my mind that my mother should “play” with me or entertain me once I was old enough to wander the neighborhood. We interacted regularly and were rock solid on having dinner together as a family every night.
Fast forward to today. I’m not sure if all of the overscheduling of today’s kids is compensation for divorced homes, working parents, or what, but things have sure changed in a generation. I am currently reading THE PRICE OF PRIVILEGE by Madeline Levine and it provides much food for thought. She is a therapist specializing with teens in the Marin area of California. Most come from affluent homes and she has been led to draw conclusions on how parenting today is affecting those teens – high expectations, overscheduling, unavailability of parents, cell phones, money, etc.
I’ll admit I enjoy it when my kids are at a friend’s house and I get a rare quiet moment to myself, but I seriously doubt any of my kids’ PS peers get the same amount of interaction with their parents. Quality time demands quantity time and it usually doesn’t happen in traffic driving from one activity to the next. I think part of the problem is too many parents are worried about their kids measuring up and competing with other kids and it has snowballed into leagues and clubs for everything. I refuse to sign away my summers to a swim team because I think swimming should be fun and not for competition. My girls would love to try gymnastics or a dance class for fun, but are too inexperienced for the classes for their age group and would be a lot older than the girls in a beginner class. I hardly think my 5foot tall 10y old daughter wants to learn ballet next to 3 year olds. Any sports teams for their ages are competitive with tryouts. What happened to the neighborhood pick-up game? If any of you have this in your town, we envy you!
If I worry about enteraining my kids every waking moment I think I can really damage their creativity. When kids are scheduled to the minute they never have to be with themselves, decide what to do, or work at filling their own time. I’ve seen several kids with this deficiency. I don’t want a child of mine hanging on to bad friendships or relationships because they can’t stand to be by themselves. I actually think I’m doing my kids a favor by forcing them at times to be by themselves without suggesting ideas for activities or engaging with them. All in balance and moderation.
Many thoughts, much rambling, I’ll stop now!
Loved this response. Exactly!
Maureen, I found your response really helpful, thank you.
We are in the early stages of home schooling (eldest 5). Already, we are noticing the anxious pull toward busyness and all the relationships and skills which are undermined by it.
Great insight!
The primary caretaker/homeschool parent probably doesn’t commit enough *play time* with their children. And those wage-slaving, weekend-only parents don’t commit enough *school work time* to them.
I hit golf balls in the backyard with my kids and play catch. And we wrestle occasionally (until I fall asleep, facedown under a pile of sofa cushions and kids!) But from now on my daily checklist will ask, “Did I spend 10 minutes of unscripted fun time with my angels?”
“Keeping kids fed and safe is no small matter, but as a home schooling parent I add “and making them literate” to that list. (And training their characters, of course, and all of that good stuff.)
Should I add a little more purposeful mommy-playtime to our days? (And if I do, who will vacuum the dog hair off the furniture?)
do you ever look up from your curriculum planning and wonder whether you’re paying enough attention to the children you’re planning for?”
My initial reaction is “Yes, I wonder this all the time! And suffer guilt for it.” I wonder if it’s because when I first started homeschooling, I had nice, cuddle-on-the-couch images of how it would be, and as my kids get older, it’s just plain old getting more challenging for me. There’s stuff I don’t know, stuff I am learning to teach, new ages in my kids I am encountering and wondering how to parent them through. I am at that point now where I fully realize that doing what I consider a decent job in homeschooling is a FULL TIME JOB (me working directly with the kids, or me doing planning/reading ahead/exercise corrections), so the “keeping them fed and safe” part is added on, and then there is the family bookkeeping, grocery shopping, teaching my kids how to do a half decent kitchen-sweeping job AGAIN, etc.. This whole business is tiring, yet I WANT to do it – I want this for my family. It’s just not the way those cozy homeschooling books made it sound 8 or 9 years ago. And not every homeschooler chooses the same path – I’ve chosen one that is….different from the original cozy, fun-outings-all-the-time style that I originally was going to do.
My kids have loved it on the rare occasion when I’ve gone to the backyard to play catch with them, or just sit in the sunshine while they play. I wish I could do it more. But I just try to do other things, like have a friendly chat with them in the van on the way to the library or errands, or take one kid at a time on errands I have to do, or have a 5 minute cuddle in bed with them at night before they go to sleep, or put a few pieces on a puzzle they are working on.
I remember someone telling me, when my kids were toddlers and babies, to go play with them during the day and leave the dishes and toilet cleaning for night time. Well, I never did, because I was too tired by night, and it really did boil down to, “who was going to do the dishes and clean the toilet?”
Guilt. Ugh. Yet, my kids do know how to entertain themselves, and they are told “Go play” every day. We have tons of books, games, Lego, Ellos, dolls, dress-up clothes, crafts, cap guns, Lincoln Logs, science kits, binoculars, light sabres, puzzles, etc., and they use them. They play in the woods in our backyard, build tree forts, swing in the hammock, climb trees. This mother-guilt business is yucky. I have to talk myself out of it, and remind myself, “I am HOME with them, I am WITH them. I TALK with them all the time.”
I completely know what you mean about the guilt. I struggle with this all the time. Another aspect to the problem (in our home, anyway) is that I am an introvert, and two of my three children are extroverts. My oldest wants to be interacting (with me, with a friend, with ANYONE) ALL THE TIME. I’ve found that even when I make an effort to “play” with him a lot, it doesn’t matter because for him, it is never enough. So often it comes down to “Mommy needs some space, go play outside.” Because otherwise Mommy will start yelling or crying, and that would be a lot worse than some free play time! :)
Hmmmm, I’m of two minds here. I agree with many of the above posters that it is healthy for hsing moms and kids to have a break from each other during play times. And that it is a challenge to be PRESENT with your children when you are with them all the time. I am more guilty than I would like to admit about being a distracted homeschooling mom. I appreciate the wake-up call (or should that be post?). :-)
However, I really want to add that I think there is something more to this theme in YA lit than just the ‘usual’ YA angst. I don’t have time to list it all here, but I have seen enough to have the slightest grasp of how isolated and alone (from meaningful, fulfilling, enlightening relationships with adults) so many children are today. A few examples: when I completed my student teaching a year ago, one of the other long-time teachers had a ‘welcome’ open house in October. It was a decent school district. Not a single parent showed up. Or e-mailed. Or called. This woman taught first grade. She said the numbers have been dwindling over the past 10 years at every parent event (held in the evenings). My friend, who teaches in a different state, has not had a single parent volunteer in three years. Yet another teacher friend in another city tried holding a “Raisins with Relatives” event at her class – a Friday afternoon, end-of-day invite-any-relative-or-adult-friend-to-come-see-you-read thing. One mom showed up. Another friend, a speech path, no longer gives people speech exercises to do at the dinner table – she gives them for the car. One of the best (& richest) school districts in our state just had a huge shock wave that went through it. They administered a friendly “mental-health/how-ya-doin” type survey to the junior class to check on attitudes and see what other activities the kids might like to have added. Survey results: 25% of the students reported thinking “seriously” about suicide. 15% had made a suicide plan. 83% reported binge drinking. 55% regular drug use. None wanted additional activities. On a related note, a 2008 CDC survey found that 25% of teen girls had had at least one STD. I have many other little factoids that I could add here, but time (and I’m sure your interest) are running out. But it is easy to see that too many kids are alone and unguided.
My point is that, as homeschoolers, we can easily become isolated from what life is really like out there for so many kids today. It’s easy to think the absentee parents portrayed in books is just the latest version of the age-old story. I really think it’s more than that. And our children will be going to college, working with, dating (and maybe marrying) children who have experienced a whole different set of circumstances in growing up than our children have. I worry about that sometimes. But I can only help my own kids cope with those differences if I myself don’t discount the realities of them.
Gurg. It’s gotten late and I’m babbling. Forgive me. Good night!
I think about this weekly. I’ve come to this conclusion, if I have schooled them, read aloud to them and played one game with them, usually a board game, then it’s “go play” but for my own peace of mind I strive to give them that extra 30 minutes of reading and 20 minutes of playing before I can shoo them off with a free mind. And at that point, if it is “go away”, who cares, I did my part….and then some! My husband thinks I’m daft, he says I pour myself into them and I don’t have enough time as it is. I don’t even remember my very involved parents playing with me over the age of 3, that doesn’t seem right. I don’t know, I say better safe than sorry.
This article really expressed some feelings I have had in the past few months that caused me to take a look at our day and how we were spending it. I felt at times as if I was nothing more than a task master, get your school work done, get your chores done, and I was working on things I had to get done as well. I took a look at what we were doing and decided to make some changes.
The first thing I did was to stop “rushing.” I was always feeling we had to stay on task because I had a list of things in my head that needed to get done and I was thinking about the next thing that had to be done. When I feel myself doing this I turn it off and say stay focused on what we are doing. This has lead to some interesting discussions during our school work.
The next thing I did was to start playing more. I knew I was not doing enough of that. My son loves to play games and we have many that are fun, but have some educational value as well. When we complete a subject, we play a game. Sometimes we get “stuck” on the same game and will play it for days. Other days we will play several, I let him choose and that is one time of the day he gets to feel he is in control. I do the same thing as I stated early and try not to “rush” to get it done so we can get onto the next subject. Overall this has lenghtened the time it takes us to get our work done, but when we are done we have also spent some time together doing something fun so it makes the school work more enjoyable. After we are done my son is ready to go off and play on his own while I am doing some of my chores and things I need to get done. I also noticed that while overall the time is longer, we spend less time on each subject because he really stays focused because he knows a “treat” is coming up.
The third thing I have done is to change my expectations, not my standards, but my expectations. Every child develops at a different rate and in some areas my son is advanced for his age and in some areas he is probably lagging a bit, but I know in the end it will all work out and he will “catch” up. In the past I was so focused on moving on to the next thing and worrying about where he was that they put stress into our day because I was trying to force something. I now say he is “where he needs to be”. I continue to challenge him of course, but I realize that he may need more time in certain areas and that is fine.
After all the reason most of us homeschool is so we can mold our children’s character and education to fit THEIR individual needs, not ours and to spend time with them. I think this is something that takes work and the longer you homeschool your children the better you will be at it.
My kids beg me to play with them….It’s their one true complaint about me. It’s not an unsolicited complaint like, “I didn’t get to play on the computer today.” It’s the one that comes out when we have a one on one conversation. It comes out with sincere emotion, instead of the whining that accompanies the aforementioned complaint.
So this week I revolted. I live on the rainy side of Oregon. We finally had some sun this week, and I couldn’t stand being cooped up indoors. So I abandoned school for the day, and went outside with the kids and played kickball. They were thrilled and so was I…it was very liberating. Even when my 10 y.o. son accidentally pegged me in the head with the ball, I laughed hysterically(surprising for me). Then I retaliated by chasing him down and tickling him. I’m sorry to say I hadn’t had that kind of fun with my kids in a long time. It was quite liberating.
I was thinking about this post today. My husband works a traditional work schedule (8:30 to 5:30, M-F), and he has his own business on the side. He’s busy a lot. He coaches hockey, too.
Today, Saturday, he took all three kids to the seven year old’s baseball practice and then went to the farmer’s market with them. He came home and mowed the lawn. For the rest of the day, he’s been cleaning out the garage. He hasn’t played with the kids at all, but they have hung around him ALL DAY, enjoying being with him, talking to him, and occasionally helping him in between bouts of running off to do their own thing. His being there, even if he’s not focusing on them, is what is important to them.
I say “It’s time for you to make your own fun.” I took this line from a children’s picture book we read several years ago. My children know I would rather play with them than do dreadful grown-up things like dishes and laundry. (Sadly, the condition of my house often reflects this.) They are intuitive about my real desires. I often tell them that I would rather be having fun with my family than anyone else in the world. They often offer to help me out so I can play too!
I know that I spend less time playing with my kids than I did when they were younger. If we spend all morning doing school together, we are all ready for a break from each other after lunch. By the time that break is over it’s time to make dinner and head to afternoon activities. This is due in part to our school day growing longer as they get older, but also to the fact that they can play much longer together without me playing along. They come up with their own ideas and solve their own problems now at eight and ten years old. It is simply easier to let them do their own thing now than it used to be. I never settle for the easy thing in regards to education, so I am not sure why I do with free time. Maybe if I actually write “play board game” or “race matchbox cars” on my lesson plan it will get done. We actually spend more of our fun time together now on outings, riding bikes, or walking together. I am just thankful that we get to spend our day together, whatever it consists of. I know too many people with kids in school, who then spend the rest of the day on homework.
Kids NEED that “go play” time by themselves to get creative , use their imaginations, even – gasp – be bored.
I had a phone call years ago from another mom of three daughters looking to see if my dd would be available to come over, because the older two girls had things to do and the youngest girl had NO PLANS for the day. The mom was frantic that her youngest might be BORED.
Watch some old Little Rascal/Our Gang shorts. Aside from the highly dangerous stuff those kids did in some of the films, (ignore those bits ;-) ) they do reflect how neighborhood kids were expected to – and managed quite well to – entertain themselves decades ago.
I think quality time is more important than the type of time spent with kids. The time I spend with my kids I homeschool is fulled with joy–mostly. We enjoy spending time reading, completing math problems, art projects, ect. I do not feel any guilt sending them out the door at the end of the day. They need time to decompress and just hang-out. I am not needed for that. I do have two teenagers attending school away from home. Now I do have to go out of my way to spend quality time with them. They leave at 6:15 each morning. My oldest sometimes has college classes until 9:15 at night. We fit in lunch and breakfast occasionally together. I feel with them gone so much we really need to fit quality time in on the weekends. But I do not think that always has to be play time. I feel no guilt over working on a project that needs done as a family instead of going to the beach. Working together builds bonds as much as playing together does. I hadn’t made really noticed the absentee parents in young adult books-perhaps I should be reading more of the new ones. I have discussed that phemomena in tv shows with my children over and over again. It bothers me to know end.
I read a fascinating book recently that helped me think about time and how to strike the balance between getting things done and not being overly scheduled. It is The Tyranny of Time by Robert J. Banks. I highly recommend it.
I’m only just beginning to homeschool, though I have always planned to. My oldest turns three this summer. I think it all comes down to your state of mind. We are all so busy as it is, we can only spend so much time on any one task. The fact remains that laundry needs to be done and cat hair needs to be vacuumed, and if we mothers don’t do it, who will? Certainly the whole family needs to pitch in, but let’s face it, mothers generally do the lion’s share. Kids need lots of outside time and play-by-themselves time. They need to work their imaginations. I think that is just as important to their getting a proper education as the stuff we actually teach them. I think it’s good to have some play time together with our kids, but they need play time for themselves too–more leisure time for themselves than with us, in my opinion. I remember being a kid. I remember spending twelve or fourteen hours outside in my bare feet in the summers, only checking in when I got hungry or needed a drink. I certainly didn’t feel neglected by my mother, as long as she was there when I came home, ready to offer me a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of milk. As long as kids feel loved and confident that we are there for them when they need us, they won’t need us every second. I think kids will let us know when they need us as long as we know them well enough to listen for their cues. The trick is knowing who our kids are. I think as homeschooling mothers we won’t help but get to know our kids really, really well.
Yes, I have asked myself the very same question and wondered if I was actually spending time with my kids, vs just “working them” then sending them out to pasture. I know that my children would love for me to finish lessons with them and then go right into playing make-believe or a board game or working on some project like building a fort in the woods. Like you said, when the lessons are done, I have to clean up the breakfast dishes, clean up hairballs the cat has puked (like one under the dining table right now), and read the WTM forum! I do know, however, that I know my kids so well, that when they do need me as a comforter / companion parent rather than the teaching / guiding parent, they let me know through their behavior and attitudes. It’s always amazing to me how quickly they turn around and are “fixed” from those problems with just the smallest amount of time–some cuddles and a book on the sofa, jumping on the trampoline for a few minutes, inviting them to help me cook dinner. It is an intuitive response on an “as needed” basis. Afterward, I reap the reward of a happy and satisfied child who is no longer nipping at my heels, and I get the time that I need. By pulling them in close to my heart, I have given them love to “bank on” and enabled them to then separate and self-direct.
Yes, the same thoughts have occupied my mind.
One thing I’ve realized is that in all honesty I don’t really enjoy a lot of the playtime. I don’t necessarily like playing with Legos or Playmobil or in the sandbox. Some moms seem to truly like those things. I’m the Mom at the playground who sits on the bench with a book while the kids play instead of the Mom who is in the sand building sandcastles. I sometimes feel guilty about that.
But what I’ve realized is that there are things I do enjoy doing that we have fun with. I love board games, I love reading to them, I like going for walks outside. I like cooking with them. I like going to the zoo. I take them on special one-on-one “dates” for ice cream. So I concentrate on doing those things and knowing that we are all truly having fun.
I also think it’s partially about being available. There is a difference between “go-play” and “go-away”. Kids know the difference even if it’s hard for us to define. I may not be upstairs playing with stuffed animals but I’m always willing to put down what I’m doing (or come in a few minutes) and watch the puppet show they created. I may not be making the sandcastle at the park but I’ll look at the one they made and genuinely admire it.
I think kids do benefit from a lot of play on their own. One of the challenges of parenting is being aware of when they are thriving with that independence and when they need a little more focused attention and playtime with me.
I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who feels that way! I don’t especially like those things, either, which is strange because I’m a full-time mother and part-time preschool teacher, so you’d think they’d be right up my alley. But I DO like the things you said you enjoy doing with them, so thanks for helping me see that it’s not terrible to feel this way :)
Me too! I bring a book to the park and am grateful for the time…and yet that nagging guilt… Agh, if we could just get rid of that guilt? Where does it come from, anyway?
I have often asked myself the same question. My mother was a single parent, she worked hard to send us to a christian school, all of which took up a lot of time. She has commented before about how messy the house was then, or how tired she felt at the end of the day. But all I remember is her taking hours to build forts in the back yard, or if it was raining, out of blanekts and the kitchen chairs and reading for hours! It was very evident to me that there was no place else she would rather be than playing, reading, prentending with us! Now whether this sprang from guilt about having to work, I don’t know, but I don’t think so…I think she knew something that I have been slow to learn…kids need that time, that undevided attention, for us to really be “into” something with them: a book series, a board game, video game, whatever, just time engaged. Homeshooling is tiring, house cleaning is tiring, parenting is too, but maybe I make it too hard. Maybe I should stop and play and read more with them. Like Mom, maybe I should grab the biggest blanket we have and make a hide out, and read…and leave the vacuuming for another day.
When our “school” is done for the day, I tend to let the kids go outside and be kids. It’s their run wild, climb trees, jump on the trampoline, make up games, make up stories, ride scooters, and just play, free from the constraints and instructions of parent-people. I keep an ear out to what’s going on, and I am in and out all the time with household tasks, so I am “there”, just not “there”…does that make any sense at all?
We do everything else together, but I see this as being their-time. It helps that their-time equates to me-time, so I can get some hosuework done too, although housework tends to be a shared responsibility and we work on it as a team. If there are four mess makers in the house, then all four mess makers should participate in the unmessing IMHO:)
Kids need time away from adult contstraints and constructs. They need time to be who they are when a parent isn’t in the room – but that parent still needs to be within earshot lol.
I find it disturbing that there are an increasing number of occasions when the mass media seems to be informing us that we are incapable of parenting without input from self-important government and para-government organisations. “The Helpless Parent” seems to be the theme for the decade and I am over it. The helpless (or absent parent) is obviously appearing in YA literature as well. How very, very sad.
I’m in 2 minds about this. I can really relate to what you’re saying. Many times I’ve felt I spend so much time planning and doing homeschooling that I don’t spend much time just playing with my son. There always seems to be so much that needs to be done. However, my husband spends a lot of time playing with him, which relieves some of my guilt. And I do play with him…just not as much as I’d like to. I also believe kids need to have more time to themselves without adult interference. When I tell my son to go outside, it is most definitely because it’s good for him. I want him to have the fresh air, interaction with nature, and imaginative play. (He often complains that there’s ‘nothing to do outside,’ but always ends up finding something…and doesn’t want to come back in!) I’ve also made a conscious effort to spend less time on the computer and less time planning. More time spent just going with the flow often leads to spontaneous quality time via games, baking, painting, etc. We also severely limit television which allows more family playtime.
I think what’s worrying are the parents who install TV’s in children’s rooms, give them mobile phones and other gadgets…these things place a wall between parents and kids and limit communication and interaction within the home. Sending them outside for a while is healthy for both parents and kids, but when the kids come inside it should be about uniting as a family, not uniting with an electronic screen or virtual friend.
I’m not worried about the playing part. We seem to manage that ok, between long family vacations stuck on a 30 foot boat, all the windshield time going back and forth to gymnastics, and our willingness to school inefficiently in a pleasant place. Also, my family likes the sorts of games that require lots of people; children and adults have include each other just to have enough people to play. It seems like someone is always doing something fun and everyone else drops whatever they are doing to go join in. When the children were too small for their games to be interesting for adults to play, all the adults in the family spent quite a lot of time playing the baby versions of the games we wanted to be able to play with them when they were grown up. My parents, my husband, and I all put hours into helping them hammer nails into a piece of styrofoam or sewing sewing cards or holding one oar while they rowed the dinghey in circles or playing open-handed dominoes, all so they could play our games with us and join us in our projects when they got older. None of us spent much time playing store or whatever games children play that don’t lead to adult fun. We only did that while we were doing something else, to keep a very small child occupied. We all had and still have games that we don’t do together, too, of course, but nobody spends so much time doing them that we feel like we don’t get enough time playing all together.
The thing that worries me is family meals. With all that togetherness during school, we don’t want to eat together. We all take our plates off by ourselves to eat. My children’s table manners are awful and we miss out on a prime time to talk about non-school, non-play things.
-Nan
I notice this ALL the time in my neighborhood. Most of the moms here work full time. Those who don’t usually send their kids to school and/or have nannies anyway. Many also have tons of “me time.” I think they feel compelled to “overmother” at some times to make up for their lack of mothering at other times.
I see this illustrated in sports. My husband manages my son’s baseball team. There are 2 practices and 2 games each week. I go to the Saturday games. That’s it. I have two other children to attend to, and I am with my kids nearly all the time. Also, he’s there for every practice and game. Do my kids really need TWO parents on hand to praise or criticise them? On the few occasions I have been to a practice, I have seen TONS of moms on the sidelines watching their children practice. And coaching from the sidelines as well. This is not necessarially a bad thing, but I don’t get it. My kids have me just about 24/7. I don’t need to watch them practice. They have coaches for that. If my mother had shown up to my band practice or sat at the rail during riding lessons, I would have been a mortified, nervous wreck! She was there for every performance and horse show. I would not have wanted more involvement! She led one of my 4-H activities, but for others, she dropped me off.
I see a lot of moms hovering over thier children at activities. I attend meetings for things like Scouting and help when I can. However, I let my children do their thing and hang out in the background, unless they need help. I would rather their craft be ugly and done by them than perfect and completed by me!
Even in areas where I am actively involved, like church activities, I work with children other than my own. We all need the break!
In the homeschooling community, I do not see this at all. Moms are often on-hand to help the group, but they do not hover. We only stay there because all of our children are there anyway! If someone needs to leave to take care of an errand or do some work, that’s fine. We all understand that you were actively involved with your child for the last 6 hours, and will be again from the time you get them in the car until bedtime.
I have to admit that sometimes “go play” = “go away”, but I do spend SO much time with them and I need some time to think and breathe (or not think and breathe). I think it’s important for them to manage their own play sometimes. If I don’t send them out to play independently, they feel like I should orchestrate ALL of their free time. That would drive me crazy. Plus, I think that they need to fall down and make mistakes and solve their own squabbles and use their imagination and make up games and all of those things that will help them to become productive, self sufficient adults. I don’t think that would happen as well if I were involved constantly.
I try to have “mommy & me” playtime each day with my kids… usually when I’m getting them dressed in the mornings (they’re still fairly young). But, I also expect them to be able to entertain themselves while I get housework (or MY schoolwork) done. I think it’s a happy balance that we need to find – it won’t look the same for every parent/child, and it won’t look the same every day.
My children go to Lutheran School. During the winter months when I tell my children to go play it is usually because they are purposely annoying me, watching television or playing video games. In our household language, it is a warning. It means, “I’m giving you an opportunity to choose playtime over this.” If they stubbornly ignore the invitation, I give them a character building task, like dish washing.
In the summer I have to set specific play hours. If I didn’t, I’m not sure I would see them at all. Most parents can tell when the child really needs them or when the activity they request is important to them.
Also, your children probably enjoy their time away from you more than you can imagine.
I agree that “go play” is so important in so many ways (lots of people have written about that already).
When there are times that I selfishly tell my children to “go play”; or times when I am fraying and need to compose myself, I say sorry.
My children need to see me owning my weakness and failure. I say sorry specifically, “I’m sorry that I was selfish and didn’t listen to you when I told you to go outside”…(or whatever the reason). We have a pattern of saying, “I love you and I forgive you”. Then I pray for myself and them. They see that I rely on Jesus’ mercy and they need to as well.
No pretending. Guilt dealt with.
I linked to this on my blog and asked for input. I’d like to increase my play time with the kids, but struggle with boredom. And housework, and needing alone time, and all that.
I’m sure that “go play” sometimes means “go away.” But, that’s not necessarily a bad thing if, on balance, you’re not shooing them away all the time.
Aside from that, I do think the absentee parent is a very compelling psychological feature in children’s narratives. I see it as a result of the age and stage that YA fiction is geared towards. It speaks to the fears and challenges faced by a child learning to deal with their own autonomy, as well as a child who is, perhaps for the first time, realizing that their parents aren’t the gods they hoped they were.
After all, we’re not gods, are we? It would be nice to be, I suppose, but we’re not. We parents are just shabby, old adults, doing the best we can with what we’ve got. To my 2 year old, I’m Hera Queen of Mt. Olympus. I know this, because when the sun gets in her eyes during a car trip she insists that I get the sun to move so her eyes won’t hurt anymore. Moving the sun–now there’s a godlike power if I ever heard of one. To my older children, I’m a less impressive thing. They delight in catching my mistakes, when they can manage it.
I guess all I have to say is that I try to take it in stride. I don’t have any doubt that my eldest runs across things in those YA books of his that make him say, “That’s just like my mom and dad.” I doubt he would tell me, though. ;)